Think You Got Jokes
- Thread starter ArtZ69
- Start date
Just a couple quotes:
1: I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew T, Worcester, MA
2: At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient remorsefully.
--Dr. Richard B, Seattle, WA
3: I've got the perfect body and it's in the trunk and beginning to
smell.
--Stephaney Taylor, Winston Salem, NC
4: If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk - Anonymous
Jokes:
1: After several months of ill-health, an old man finally musters up the courage to see his doctor for a complete check-up.
He gets to the doctor's office, after which, the doctor runs a number of standard tests.
After a couple of hours, the doctor comes back, and just barely able to look the old man in the eye, he says:
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news...you're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"That's terrible!" says the man. "'How bad is it, Doc? How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor replies, shaking his head.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?"
The doctor looks at him sadly. Then he looks at his watch.
"Nine."
2: Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for
water?"
Little Johnny replies, "h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o".
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O."
3: There's a guy at a bar staring at his drink. He sits and stares like this for half an hour. Suddenly, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and slugs it all down. The poor man starts crying. "Come on man, I was just joking," says the truck driver. "Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I get in late to work. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to drive home, I find out my car is stolen! The police say that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I exit the cab, I leave my wallet and credit cards there and the cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar." "And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
4: The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists--two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and calmly said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
5: A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Thats enough for now.
Peace and God bless.
1: I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew T, Worcester, MA
2: At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient remorsefully.
--Dr. Richard B, Seattle, WA
3: I've got the perfect body and it's in the trunk and beginning to
smell.
--Stephaney Taylor, Winston Salem, NC
4: If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk - Anonymous
Jokes:
1: After several months of ill-health, an old man finally musters up the courage to see his doctor for a complete check-up.
He gets to the doctor's office, after which, the doctor runs a number of standard tests.
After a couple of hours, the doctor comes back, and just barely able to look the old man in the eye, he says:
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news...you're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"That's terrible!" says the man. "'How bad is it, Doc? How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor replies, shaking his head.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?"
The doctor looks at him sadly. Then he looks at his watch.
"Nine."
2: Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for
water?"
Little Johnny replies, "h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o".
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O."
3: There's a guy at a bar staring at his drink. He sits and stares like this for half an hour. Suddenly, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and slugs it all down. The poor man starts crying. "Come on man, I was just joking," says the truck driver. "Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I get in late to work. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to drive home, I find out my car is stolen! The police say that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I exit the cab, I leave my wallet and credit cards there and the cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar." "And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
4: The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists--two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and calmly said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
5: A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Thats enough for now.
Peace and God bless.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
>>which said:
>>"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
>>A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
>>have to remove the sign or go to jail.
>>Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
>>"JESUS SAVES."
>>One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
>>"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign
>>pertains to religion."
>>So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
>>drove off.
>>The following day found the same police officer in the area when he
>>noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
>>again.
>>Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he
>>noticed the new sign which now read:
>>"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
>>which said:
>>"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
>>A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
>>have to remove the sign or go to jail.
>>Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
>>"JESUS SAVES."
>>One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
>>"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign
>>pertains to religion."
>>So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
>>drove off.
>>The following day found the same police officer in the area when he
>>noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
>>again.
>>Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he
>>noticed the new sign which now read:
>>"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked the mechanics for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and one mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Look here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:
www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Look here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:
www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg
this is called pinche fruit
this hispanic guy sent it a friend of mine and he didnt seem offended so i hope it dont offend anyone i thought it was halarious
>(It's always the little Chicano kids that get in trouble for no
>reason at all ..)
>
>It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class. As the
>teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed something was written
>on the chalkboard: "T T T 1 A." She looked at the children and said,
>"Who wrote this?"
>
>Little Keith raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."
>"Well, what does it mean, Keith?" asked the teacher.
>Keith answers, "It means "To The Teacher 1 Apple," and with that, he
>gave the teacher an apple.
>
>"Very good," says the teacher. "Thank you."
>
>The next morning the teacher walks into the classroom and notices,
>once again, s! omething written on the board. This time the chalkboard
>reads, "T T T 1 O." She asks the children, "Who wrote this?"
>Little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."
>The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"
>
>Bobby answers, "It means "To The Teacher 1 Orange," and with that, he
>gave the teacher an orange. "Very nice, Bobby," says the teacher.
>"Thank you."
>
>The next morning she walks in the classroom and she noticed on the
>board, "F U C K 1 T."
>
>Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS?"
>Little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."
>Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"
>
>"It means "From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.
this hispanic guy sent it a friend of mine and he didnt seem offended so i hope it dont offend anyone i thought it was halarious
>(It's always the little Chicano kids that get in trouble for no
>reason at all ..)
>
>It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class. As the
>teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed something was written
>on the chalkboard: "T T T 1 A." She looked at the children and said,
>"Who wrote this?"
>
>Little Keith raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."
>"Well, what does it mean, Keith?" asked the teacher.
>Keith answers, "It means "To The Teacher 1 Apple," and with that, he
>gave the teacher an apple.
>
>"Very good," says the teacher. "Thank you."
>
>The next morning the teacher walks into the classroom and notices,
>once again, s! omething written on the board. This time the chalkboard
>reads, "T T T 1 O." She asks the children, "Who wrote this?"
>Little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."
>The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"
>
>Bobby answers, "It means "To The Teacher 1 Orange," and with that, he
>gave the teacher an orange. "Very nice, Bobby," says the teacher.
>"Thank you."
>
>The next morning she walks in the classroom and she noticed on the
>board, "F U C K 1 T."
>
>Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS?"
>Little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."
>Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"
>
>"It means "From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.
