i'm not hating or mad that you typed it, i could give a fuck for real, but my question is why did you type it? i do have a few other questions/comments...
In the first "sentence" you state...
EpidemicReborn said:
Its about Lynch and Linus they had beef after Charlie Brown slapped Lynch at the East Mount Mall...
Well, first you lead us to believe the story is about Lynch and Linus by saying "It's about Lynch and Linus", which it is not, and if Charlie Brown is the one who slapped Lynch then why do Lynch and Linus have beef? Why not Lynch and Charlie?
You should really change the topic sentence and elaborate more on what you mean. It's in desperate need of revision. Linus and Charlie are phased out of the story which doesn't make sense if we're to believe what you stated prior to introducing the characters ... (It's about). We can't believe you as an author if you're going to tell us the story is about one thing and then say another. It's like you were just going off on tangents.
Next you say ...
EpidemicReborn said:
...and X-Raided was Mad because Someone tried to take his
girl Sicx,
First thing I have to ask was X raided at the mall too? Because you say and Xraided was mad, like he was there and according to the rest of your story he's in prison. You should have dropped the "and"...and made this a separate sentence. Next you say "someone" tried taking his girl from him. Who is "someone"? You need to be more specific and state who you mean.
Now I'm not going to go line for line because some of it is comphrensible, but i will point out a few more things here and there...
EpidemicReborn said:
...and sicx is going to wear a white dress(Made Of Hairnets) will be knitted by the brides(Sicx)maids
Ok, here let pretend you didn't use parenthesis when stating "made of hairnets". You sentence would read...
"... wear a white dress will be knitted by the brides ..."
See how that doesn't make sense. When you use parenthesis act like they're not there and read your sentence. If it sounds funny (like above), then it's incorrect, but if you can read the sentence with out them, and it still sounds good, then 90% of the time you're good to go.
EpidemicReborn said:
... and One of the other molesters asked Sicx if he wanted to go and watch a movie in the day room but Sicx was like I love my man Raided hes my boo and Ill be with him forever and he told X and X was mad because sicx used to be Lynch's girl ...
Why does Sicx react to someone's question like that? Was the molester coming on to him? Please elaborate on Sicx's eccentric behavior. Then you make it sound like X was mad because Sicx told him about the molester, but you stated he's mad because Sicx was once Lynch's girl. You need consistency. This throws us for a loop, but not in a suspensful way. It's like you were just jumping from thought to thought. Pretty sloppy here, please revise. These are two separate story items. Did X even here Sicx telling him about the molester or was he just sitting there brooding about Lynch? Please elaborate.
EpidemicReborn said:
so X was like yo lynch shes mine now and Lynch is cool with that he has Zaggoki now (Thats a cross between Zagg and Loki because you never see them in the same place at the same time on now eat it was editing thats why you seen them as different people ) So thats why.
So did X call Lynch or is Lynch in prison too? Because you make it sound like they're all just sitting around in the same room. How do we know Lynch is cool with it? It seems you're just stating your opinion. You give everyone else dialogue, but you speak Lynch's mind for him. The Zaggoki thing made me chuckle, but I'm sure you could've been more clever with the name, and "so that's why" what?. If you're trying to clarify the previous statement about editing, we get it. Just cut that out. Its unecessary.
EpidemicReborn said:
I hope it works out because young couples usually get divorced.
Is this fact or your opinion? Back it up.
EpidemicReborn said:
Oh and Doc was on it to wish X a happy marriage to Sicx.
You shouldn't really start sentences with "oh" and Doc was on what?
Ok, now you should revise and rewrite, revise and rewrite. Then maybe you will have a story on your hands, and not a garbled mesh of incomplete thoughts and flubbed up sentence structure.
EpidemicReborn said:
IF YOU GET MAD BECAUSE I SAID THIS THEN FUCK YOU GET A SENSE OF HUMOR.
Take your own advice because if you get mad at me then that makes you a hypocrite. Like I said, I'm not mad about what you wrote. I just want to know your motives. If you were trying to be funny ... try harder because you weren't. Again, I don't give a fuck what you say about anyone, but if you're going to talk shit ... be funny, not ...hell I can't even think of a word to sum it up. Just try harder next time. This shit was wack.