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Nightbreed

Nightbreed

Sicc OG
#1,001
Apr 24, 2003
1,377
21
0
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Kansas City, MO
#1,001
lol, thats funny shit, where'd you find that?




This is the supposed real story, edited a bit to make the English better:

Bashar writes, "This is a true story in Ras el Khaimah, United Arab Emerites. This picture has been released as a police report evidence in the UAE. The story is that a young man went in the caves in Ras el Khaimah to take pictures in caves known to be deserted, with a friend. He had been warned not to go. The person who had been with him called the police saying he had seen his friend's flash go off and then his friend screamed. He called his friend but never got an answer and got scared that he'd fallen so went to the police. A few hours later they found the man in the cave dead and the single picture found in his camera is this one
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,002
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,002
Cinderella was ready to go to the ball and she got a problem, her period!She didnt know what to do! so her fairy godmother comes and says whats wrong Cinderella why are you crying? Cinderella says im sad i just got my period and now i cant go to the ball! Her fairy godmother says "here this will make everything all better, its a magic tampon!"" but you have to be back at 12:00 pm or it will turn into a pumpkin!" Cinderella says ok and sticks it in and goes to the ball! well its 12:00 and Cinderella isnt there her fairy godmother is wondering why she isnt at home yet, ok now its 1:00 and she is still not home , ok now its 3:00 am and Cinderella finally gets home and Her fairy godmother was frantic and says" Cinderella were have you been dont you remember me telling you what would of happened if you didnt come back at 12:00 pm?" cinderella says" dont worry about it i met a guy named PETER!" ( peter peter pumpkin eater)
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,004
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,004
A boy hears the ice cream truck comming down
the road and runs into his house to ask his
Mom for a dollar. She agree's and gives him
the dollar and with that he takes off running
out the door... just in time to stop the
truck. The ice cream man says: "alright son
what can I get you?" The boy say's: "What do
you have?" Ice cream man say's: "Well...I
have anything you see here...chocolate,
vanilla, and strawberry." The little boy
thinks for a second and finally replies:
"I will have chocolate!" The ice cream man
opens up his chocolate bin and say's: "sorry
son, all out of chocolate." The boy say's:
"you said that I could have anything that I
see here and I see chocolate, I want
chocolate!" The ice cream man looks at the
boy and say's: "but son we are out of
chocolate, wouldn't you like some strawberry
instead?" The boy SCREAMS: "NO! You said I
could have chocolate and that is what I
want!" The ice cream man thinks for a second
and finally say's: "Listen here...do you see
the 'VAN' in vanilla?" The boy say's:
"Yes..." Ice cream man say's: "do you see
the 'STRAW' in strawberry?" Little boy
say's: "Yes...." Ice cream man say's: "do
you see the 'FUCK' in chocolate?" Little Boy
say's: "UMM, NO!" Ice cream man say's:
"That's cuz, THERE AIN'T NO FUCKIN'
CHOCOLATE!"
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,005
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,005
One day this leprechaun comes up to a guy and says, "I'm a leprechaun, I can give you anything in the world, cars, jewlery, anything!!"

The guy says" Man!! Get out of here! Leave me alone!!"

So the leprechaun says," Come on, anything, I'm a leprechaun, I can give you ANYTHING!!"

So the guy thinks about it and says,"Anything?Anything I want?"

And the Leprechaun says, "yup, I'm a leprechaun!!"

So the guy goes, " Okay, what do I have to do?"

All you have to do is take off your pants and let me do it to you doggy style!!"

So the guys says, "HELL NO!!! I'm not gay!!"

The leprechaun goes, "Come on, I can give you anything, ANYTHING!!!"

So the guy lets him do it!! While the leprechaun is dukin' him up the behind, the Leprechaun says, "Anyways, how old are you?"

The guy replies," I'm 25,"in a pleasurable voice!!

The leprechaun goes, "DAMN!! Your 25 years old and you still believe in Leprechauns???!!!!"
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,006
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,006
Wanna play army?
I will lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!


There was a guy and a girl living in separate
trailers in a trailer park. The girl always kept
her curtains open, and the guy living next door
could see right into her trailer. One day she
was masterbating w/ a hot dog she had put
in a hole in the floor of her kitchen and the guy
next door saw her. He thought she was really
hot, so he climbed under the trailer and took
the hot dog out of the floor and replaced it with his dick.
He stayed down there for a while having the greatest
time of his life.Suddenly someone knocked on the
door and she quickly got up, put on a robe and kicked
the hotdog under the refrigerator



Three guys took a walk in the woods. They came to a point in the road that went three
different directions. They each went a different direction. A little while later the 1st guys comes to
a dick sucking machine. He put in a dollar seventy-five and stuck his dick in the hole. He didn't like it very much so he kept walking.
Then the 3rd guy came to the same dick sucking machine and put in a dollar seventy-five. He liked it so much that he put in another dollar seventy-five.
Latter the three met up at the end of the road and the second guy said, " Hey guys, I just made five bucks!"
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,009
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,009
It has been reported Ossama Bin Laden has called for all muslim women to shave their pubic hair! But Experts say he is taking his anti- Bush campaign too far!



What are the main ingredients in VIAGRA ??
HELIUM AND FIX-A-FLAT

Q:WHAT DO U CALL A DEAD BLONDE IN THE CLOSET
A:last years hide and seek winner

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Seven... One to make the dough and six to peel the M&M's.


A blonde girl was talking to her brunette
friend about her boyfriends dandriff problem.
The brunnete says why dont you give him Head
and Shoulders. The blonde replies, how do
you give shoulders?


When I was walking around the super market I noticed a blonde staring really hard at a carton of orange juice when I asked her what she was doing, "she said well it says on the carton concentrate".


Q: Why can't blondes make Kool Aid?
A: Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that tiny little package.

There was a blonde driving through the country. She just dyed her hair brown because she was sick of being made fun of her hair color. She was really hungry so she stopped at a farmer's house and says, "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The farmer agreed. So she quickly counted them and said,"91." The farmer looked around puzzeledly and said,"Ok. Take one." When the blonde was walking back to her car the farmer asked,"If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,011
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,011
Once there was a brunette jumping on the train tracks screaming 21, 21, 21. A blonde walked by and thought it looked fun so she jumped on the train tracks screaming 21, 21, 21 a train came, AND the brunette jumped off the tracks the blond got hit by the train as it passed. The brunette jumped back onto the train tracks and started screaming 22, 22, 22.


Your so poor that you have to put a 25 cent gumball on layaway.


What sexual position makes the ugliest
babies?

I dont know, ask yor mom

Father & son canibal,set some traps,and the next day go to see if thay have cought anything,to their surprise,thay have trapped a beautiful young woman,the son says to his father,are we going to eat her,his father says,I've got a better Idea,lets take her home,and eat your mother!


A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."



A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian??"

"Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??

"Or if I had asked for taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??" The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,014
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,014
Wife Joke

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"


I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr Allen walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."


Billy Bob and Vern talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Vern, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go and all."

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Pauline got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Pauline got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Pauline didn't get pregnant again."

Vern asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Pauline with me."
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,015
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,015
A man books a taxi for the airport. The taxi arrives, the man loads his luggage and the taxi sets off. Several minutes into the journey the man notices that the driver has taken a wrong turn. He leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder to correct him. The driver gives out an almighty shriek and rolls the car into a ditch. Trapped in the wreckage the man questioned the driver "what the hell happened there mate?" to which the injured driver replied "I'm really sorry about that but I've been driving a herse for the last 26 years!"

OK this guy brings a bodiless head into a bar,
the head asks the bartender for a drink and after
he is finished POOF a torso appears. SO the head
asks for another drink and after it finishes
POOF arms come out of the torso. So the head asks
the bartender for another drink and when hes finished
POOF Leggs appear. So the head is thinking "hey,
this stuff is great" so the head asks the bartender
for one more drink for the rode and POOF his whole
body dissapears. The bartender turns to him and says
"You should have quit while you were a Head."



One day a man was sitting in his living room
watching tv when all of a sudden the doorbell
rang.The man then went to the door to see who
was there.When he opened the door he found a
six foot cockroch standing in front of him.
The cockroch then proceeded to punch him in
the face and leave.The next day the man was
sitting in his living room watching tv when
then the doorbell rang.The man answered the
door and then again found himself staring at
the same cockroch that had hit him the day
before.Then the cockroch kicked him in the
shin and poked his eye out and then proceeded
to leave.The next day the man was AGAIN
sitting in his living room watching tv when
the doorbell rang.And yet AGAIN the same
cockroch was standing there.Then the
cockroch stabbed him several times and then
yet again proceeded to leave.This time the
man managed to drag himself to his phone and
call the police.He was taken to the nearest
hospital and was kept there over night.The next
day the doctor came in to talk to the man
about what happened the night before.
"Tell me son",the doctor asked,"what happened
last night?"
"I was attacked by a six foot cockroch!",the
man replied.
"Yeah,I heard there was a "nasty bug" going
around."


The couple was dining out when the wife noticed
a familiar face at the bar.

"Elliot," she said, pointing, "do you see that
man drowning bourbon at the bar?" The husband
looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued,
"he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever
since I jilted him."

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he
said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating."
 
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SLIT_THROAT999

Sicc OG
#1,017
Apr 29, 2003
225
0
0
42
#1,017
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.


"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.



"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.



"My wife," said the man.


This guy walks into the bar with a piece of
tarmac under his arm,leans over to the barman
and says:"gimme a beer,and one for the road."

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict.
I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. you'll probably never see me on the weekends."

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."

"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. Yu'll be hitting them straight in no time."



One beautiful Saturday afternoon a priest and a man are golfing.

The priest tees-off first making a beautiful shot on the fairway. Next the man hits and his shot crashes into the water trap. "God-damn it I missed!"
the man exclaims in anger.

"Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt," the priest replies.

One the next tee the priest makes a nice shot onto the green while the man's lands in the sand. "God-damn it I missed!"

"Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt," the priest says.

Next hole the priest gets the play within range for an eagle put. The man shots and again it flys into the water. "God-damn it I missed!"

As the man said this, the sky clouded over. All of a sudden a lightning bolt came down and hit the priest.

The man looked up to hear, "God-damn it I missed!"
 
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