This is pretty good. Only a true boxing fan will think this is funny
By Dan Rafael ESPN
Monday was Labor Day. Did you have a barbecue? My wife, Jenn, and I threw a mythical one in our backyard, filled with folks from the boxing world. With an assist from the Fight Freaks during a recent off-the-wall chat, here's how it all went down:
Just as the barbecue was about to begin, Larry Merchant closed his eyes and said slowly, "With all the pre-barbecue marinating, will this go down as a sizzling cookout, or will the flames of expectation be extinguished due to an empty propane tank?"
At first, Floyd Mayweather Jr. said he wasn't going to come because he wasn't even thinking about a barbecue. But then he showed up with chicken salad, sushi and rice. I think I saw Don King chasing after him across the yard.
Manny Pacquiao, of course, entertained everyone by singing. He wanted to do a duet with Mayweather, but Mayweather refused to get on stage. I was glad, though, that Pacquiao decided to come on short notice, because originally he said he'd only show up if he knew about the party 14 days ahead of time.
The members of the California State Athletic Commission voted 5-1 not to come. Texas officials were surprised. They showed up without even asking for directions.
Sergio Martinez was so thankful to be invited that he didn't care what we were serving. But he wasn't happy when he sat down to eat and Paul Williams tried to grab more than half of his meal.
David Haye, of course, didn't show up, even though he promised he would. He was supposed be in charge of our Duck, Duck, Goose game.
Antonio Margarito brought a piñata filled with candy, but when nobody could crack it open, we discovered it was made out of wood. Margarito said he was surprised and claimed he didn't make it. He said he had only just picked it up at Javier Capetillo's house.
Although he had nowhere else to go, Alfredo Angulo passed on an invitation. He said he wanted lobster, steak and Dom Perignon, but we were only serving burgers, dogs and beer. (I only serve Tecate.)
Ricky Hatton brought 10 cases of beer, but he wouldn't share it with anyone.
Joan Guzman said he'd bring two pounds of macaroni salad, but he's a helluva guy: He showed up with four.
It was great to see George Foreman, who brought a few extra grills with him. It's a good thing we had extras, too, because the guests from Top Rank and Golden Boy insisted that their food be cooked separately.
Evander Holyfield showed up, too. He said he plans to keep coming every year until I bar him. He even brought corn on the cob -- but only half an ear.
I asked Lennox Lewis if he was having fun. "Absolutely. Definitely," he said.
Mike Tyson kept a low profile. He was off by himself feeding pigeons. He didn't threaten to eat anyone's children this year.
Juan Manuel Marquez showed up with what he said was lemonade, but we couldn't be sure.
Shoot, meant to invite Roy Jones. We all must've forgotten. When Jones didn't show up, Antonio Tarver came over and asked me, "Did he have any excuses tonight?"
Shane Mosley and Sergio Mora set up a lemonade stand in the driveway and tried to convince everyone to buy a glass even though it wasn't very tasty.
WBC president for life Jose Sulaiman swung by and brought a special diamond spatula to flip the burgers with -- for a small sanctioning fee, of course. He said the decision to bring the special diamond spatula was made in a unanimous vote of his puppet board of governors.
Oscar De La Hoya and Richard Schaefer enjoyed themselves so much that they offered to make me president of Golden Boy Virginia, as long as I promised to give them control of most of my BBQ dates next year.
I don't know who the hell invited Panama Lewis, but he crashed the party and took over bartending duties. He would only serve from the bottle he mixed.
Sid Brumback was only supposed to bring one thing -- napkins -- but he forgot, so Kelly Pavlik escorted him out.
Bob Arum gave me the finger when I said I didn't like his contribution to the potluck. Besides, he said, he was hoping the BBQ would be in Macau.
Juan Manuel Lopez and Yuriorkis Gamboa made it, but Arum refused to let them sit at the same table. He said he might allow it next year.
Andre Berto didn't want to bring anything, but he expected to be let in anyway. I refused to do that, but Kery Davis covered him by bringing an extra dish.
Nobody wanted to sit with Celestino Caballero.
Ken Hershman was impressed that I could throw such a good party with a budget so much smaller than my neighbor's.
John Ruiz was there, too. He's a great guy. Gave everybody a hug.
When Vic Darchinyan found out that Nonito Donaire was coming, he changed his plans.
One scary moment came only 29 seconds after the festivities began when Paul Briggs fell down. I think he felt a slight breeze.
Another scary moment happened when James Toney, exactly 3 minutes, 19 seconds after finishing his lunch, started choking and slapping the picnic table.
Kimbo Slice had never been to a BBQ before, but he decided to give it a try.
Lou DiBella was having fun, but he suddenly erupted in anger when his hot dog got slightly burned. He railed about how terrible the BBQ business model was for about an hour, but then he was fine.
I asked Dan Goossen what he wanted for lunch, but he said he wasn't sure because he had to ask Al Haymon first.
Gary Shaw must not have realized it was going to be such a hot day, because he was wearing a sweat suit.
Artie Pelullo brought cigars for everyone, but he insisted on owning 50 percent of the next BBQ.
Andre Ward, Mikkel Kessler, Andre Dirrell, Carl Froch, Arthur Abraham and Allan Green were supposed to carpool together, but guys just kept bailing left and right, and they weren't sure if they'd make it all the way to the house.
Tavoris Cloud wanted to come, but his boss only lets him go to one BBQ per year and he was just at one last month.
Jim Lampley couldn't help himself. He offered a blow-by-blow of my cooking: "Dan squints his eyes and looks at me through the smoke billowing off the red-hot grill as if to say, 'THOSE! BURGERS! ARE! DONE!'"
Gus Johnson didn't want to be outdone, so when I brought over a platter of food to his table, he shrieked, "DAN!!! THIS BARBEQUE IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!"
Joe Cortez was very specific with his lunch order: "Remember," he said, "I want my burger rare but firm."
Alexander Povetkin wanted to come, but Teddy Atlas talked him out of it. He said they weren't ready to attend a BBQ and that maybe they'd come next year.
Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko entered our watermelon eating contest, but they backed out when they realized they'd have to eat against each other.
Floyd Mayweather Sr. arrived a little late, but he brought Taco Bell takeout. Roger Mayweather was with him and had a jug of Gatorade.
I think I saw Cameron Dunkin sitting at the Golden Boy table instead of Top Rank's.
I saw Kevin Johnson, but all he did was stand in the corner not doing anything.
When Sergei Dzinziruk arrived, I heard one of the HBO guys say, "Who's that?"
Kermit Cintron left as soon as he found out we didn't have a diving board for the swimming pool.
Chad Dawson brought some terrific wine made from sour grapes.
Bernard Hopkins refused to talk to Dawson, but he partied all day with Jean Pascal.
Amir Khan didn't look happy. I think it's because we were using plastic spoons instead of the silver ones he's used to.
Paulie Malignaggi missed the party because Gale Van Hoy was driving. He couldn't see the street signs.
Ivan Calderon always used to win our games of tag, but this year Giovanni Segura caught him.
Devon Alexander and Tim Bradley agreed to come -- so long as the BBQ wasn't held in St. Louis or Southern California.
Jermain Taylor was having a blast until just a few seconds before the party ended.
Joshua Clottey didn't seem to have any fun at all, but he hung around until it was over.
My wife wasn't feeling well, so I decided to call off the last hour of the BBQ. But Arthur Mercante Jr. wouldn't accept that, even after I threw in the apron.
Lucian Bute sent his apologies for not attending. He was busy hosting a party for 20,000 in Montreal.
I invited James Kirkland, but he told me he was tied up for a couple of weeks.
Tomasz Adamek and Kathy Duva appreciated the invitation and said they'd have come even if the HBO people hadn't.
The party was too long for Andrew Golota, so he quit eating and went home.
Max Kellerman declared it the best BBQ since Pernell Whitaker's.
Chris John left early after getting poison ivy.
The WBA sent me a letter declaring my gathering the official WBA Labor Day BBQ. But then I found out that it sent the same letter to a guy in Nicaragua whom I'd never heard of.
Winky Wright couldn't make it. Too busy processing new applications for his business school.
The only reason Miguel Cotto came is because his uncle, Evangelista Cotto, wasn't invited.
Luis Collazo didn't show up. He said he hadn't been to a BBQ in a long time and needed a tune-up BBQ first.
That was one helluva party. Bert Sugar ranked it the 23rd-best BBQ of the last 100 years and the third-best BBQ in Virginia history.
In the end, it was a great party, even though Leonard Ellerbe denied that it ever happened. Thankfully, Ross Greenburg assured everyone that it had
