10. Ignore the advice of so-called ‘experts’
Many wife beaters will tell you to only hit your wife where bruises can’t be seen, for example, the arms and legs. I’ve never heard a bigger load of bollocks in my life. Imagine; you give the dopey bint a good kicking to the legs, then the stupid tart forgets and takes her jeans off to try a skirt on in Etams. There’s a reason for pasting her in the first place. If the shit witch can’t remember to cover the bruises you gave her for not taping Grandstand, then she deserves everything she gets. Hit her in the face good and proper. No one will dare believe that you would hit her in the face – after all, you took 50 economy burgers to her sister’s barbecue last week.
9. Sex can be a useful weapon
Once you've got your bitch properly trained, you can use sex to reward or punish. If she's being good, and hasn't burned the baked beans, gentle sex will let her know that this is how you expect her to behave in the future. However, if the trifle had her pubic hair in it, a mouth rape followed by buggery with a cheese grater will soon let her know that hairy food is not acceptable
8. Recognise that different misdemeanours deserve different punishments
There’s no point in breaking the bitch’s nose just because she didn’t get any Stella in for your mates during Match of the Day. That’s more of a slap around the chops offence. No, scratch that. She’s embarrassed you in front of your mates and made you look a right cunt. Smash her in the face with a frying pan. It’s the only way the bitch will learn. Having said that, you should remember to reserve your full fury for major offences, like switching over to Coronation Street when Top Gear is on, or when she puts red sauce on your bacon sandwich instead of brown.
7. Don’t just use your fists
Good lord, there’s a whole house of beating apparatus just waiting to be discovered! This is useful to remember if one has an event coming up at which the stupid mare is bound to wear a dress, such as a wedding. My wife’s sister was getting married a few years ago. A couple of days before the big one, I remember being a little annoyed as the stupid slag had recorded over the cup final with The Clothes Show. I knew I couldn’t hit her because she had bought a sleeveless number from Dorothy Perkins. So I shoved her ugly face into the pan instead and gave it a good flush!
6. Don’t always be a shit husband or she’ll run off like Tina fucking Turner ran away from Ike, the poor bastard
Occasionally, it’s the done thing to treat your bitch right. You don’t want her to run off because, for all her faults, she makes a mean lasagne and the bathroom’s always clean. Treat her like a lady and take her to the local Beefeater. They do two-for-a-fiver, so it’s not even as though you’ll be spending your beer/snooker cash but the stupid cunt will think you’re making a grand effort. Just try not to smash her face in if she expects to have breaded mushrooms as well as her main course, the greedy fat slag. How does she ever expect to get rid of that pendulous post-baby gut?
5. Never underestimate the power of those three magic words
Those 3 words, “I can change” will get you some slap and tickle (all slap and no fucking tickle). But seriously, there’s no point in giving the old tart a slap about and then expecting some how’s your father without saying “I can change.” If you really want to go to town and want the stupid cow to nosh you off, try making her a hot cup of tea in addition to saying “I can change.” But resist the urge to throw it in her fucking face.
4. Don’t do your business in front of the kids
Kids are indiscreet little shits at the best of times, and there’s no way they’d think twice about blabbing to some do-gooder lesbian man-hater at school, through the medium of a shitty crayon drawing about what daddy does to mummy, the little shit. Before you know it, junior is coming home from school with a ChildLine sticker on his lunchbox with Esther Rantzen’s horse face beaming up at you. If she was my wife….
3. Remember that it isn’t your fault
Or at least that’s what you want the fat arsed bitch to think. On her more uppity days, after a sound thrashing, she might threaten to leave you or even call the police. Promptly break down in tears on account of what old Uncle Raymond did to you when you were a kid and she’ll be putty in your hands. How can you not want to punch someone that stupid?!
2. Sometimes a surprise attack is necessary
This is especially true when you’ve been married for some time. Imagine that you have been beating your wife for 2 years, because of the way she irons creases down the front of your jeans, making you look like a bona fide cunt in front of your mates at the snooker hall. Eventually, she will realise her error and stop ironing the creases into your jeans. Then what? You have no reason to throw hot oil in her face. Surprise attacks solve this problem and stop life becoming predictable for you both.
1. Show her the man she fell in love with occasionally
As I said in point 6, don’t always be a shit husband. I learnt from Trisha that women whose poor husbands hit them don’t leave them because sometimes “he’s still the man I fell in love with.” Soppy fucking slags. However, if you don’t want your dishwasher to run off with the fucking milkman, I advise surprising your missus every now and then when she gets in from work by putting on your wedding suit (she won’t even notice that it’s too small) and putting a bit of Barry Manilow on the record player. If you’re really feeling in a good mood, you might even want to Brylcreem your hair a bit. But don’t expect the missus to put on her wedding outfit. She wouldn’t be able to fit her little toe into it, the fat bitch. How can you not want to hit her?
Many wife beaters will tell you to only hit your wife where bruises can’t be seen, for example, the arms and legs. I’ve never heard a bigger load of bollocks in my life. Imagine; you give the dopey bint a good kicking to the legs, then the stupid tart forgets and takes her jeans off to try a skirt on in Etams. There’s a reason for pasting her in the first place. If the shit witch can’t remember to cover the bruises you gave her for not taping Grandstand, then she deserves everything she gets. Hit her in the face good and proper. No one will dare believe that you would hit her in the face – after all, you took 50 economy burgers to her sister’s barbecue last week.
9. Sex can be a useful weapon
Once you've got your bitch properly trained, you can use sex to reward or punish. If she's being good, and hasn't burned the baked beans, gentle sex will let her know that this is how you expect her to behave in the future. However, if the trifle had her pubic hair in it, a mouth rape followed by buggery with a cheese grater will soon let her know that hairy food is not acceptable
8. Recognise that different misdemeanours deserve different punishments
There’s no point in breaking the bitch’s nose just because she didn’t get any Stella in for your mates during Match of the Day. That’s more of a slap around the chops offence. No, scratch that. She’s embarrassed you in front of your mates and made you look a right cunt. Smash her in the face with a frying pan. It’s the only way the bitch will learn. Having said that, you should remember to reserve your full fury for major offences, like switching over to Coronation Street when Top Gear is on, or when she puts red sauce on your bacon sandwich instead of brown.
7. Don’t just use your fists
Good lord, there’s a whole house of beating apparatus just waiting to be discovered! This is useful to remember if one has an event coming up at which the stupid mare is bound to wear a dress, such as a wedding. My wife’s sister was getting married a few years ago. A couple of days before the big one, I remember being a little annoyed as the stupid slag had recorded over the cup final with The Clothes Show. I knew I couldn’t hit her because she had bought a sleeveless number from Dorothy Perkins. So I shoved her ugly face into the pan instead and gave it a good flush!
6. Don’t always be a shit husband or she’ll run off like Tina fucking Turner ran away from Ike, the poor bastard
Occasionally, it’s the done thing to treat your bitch right. You don’t want her to run off because, for all her faults, she makes a mean lasagne and the bathroom’s always clean. Treat her like a lady and take her to the local Beefeater. They do two-for-a-fiver, so it’s not even as though you’ll be spending your beer/snooker cash but the stupid cunt will think you’re making a grand effort. Just try not to smash her face in if she expects to have breaded mushrooms as well as her main course, the greedy fat slag. How does she ever expect to get rid of that pendulous post-baby gut?
5. Never underestimate the power of those three magic words
Those 3 words, “I can change” will get you some slap and tickle (all slap and no fucking tickle). But seriously, there’s no point in giving the old tart a slap about and then expecting some how’s your father without saying “I can change.” If you really want to go to town and want the stupid cow to nosh you off, try making her a hot cup of tea in addition to saying “I can change.” But resist the urge to throw it in her fucking face.
4. Don’t do your business in front of the kids
Kids are indiscreet little shits at the best of times, and there’s no way they’d think twice about blabbing to some do-gooder lesbian man-hater at school, through the medium of a shitty crayon drawing about what daddy does to mummy, the little shit. Before you know it, junior is coming home from school with a ChildLine sticker on his lunchbox with Esther Rantzen’s horse face beaming up at you. If she was my wife….
3. Remember that it isn’t your fault
Or at least that’s what you want the fat arsed bitch to think. On her more uppity days, after a sound thrashing, she might threaten to leave you or even call the police. Promptly break down in tears on account of what old Uncle Raymond did to you when you were a kid and she’ll be putty in your hands. How can you not want to punch someone that stupid?!
2. Sometimes a surprise attack is necessary
This is especially true when you’ve been married for some time. Imagine that you have been beating your wife for 2 years, because of the way she irons creases down the front of your jeans, making you look like a bona fide cunt in front of your mates at the snooker hall. Eventually, she will realise her error and stop ironing the creases into your jeans. Then what? You have no reason to throw hot oil in her face. Surprise attacks solve this problem and stop life becoming predictable for you both.
1. Show her the man she fell in love with occasionally
As I said in point 6, don’t always be a shit husband. I learnt from Trisha that women whose poor husbands hit them don’t leave them because sometimes “he’s still the man I fell in love with.” Soppy fucking slags. However, if you don’t want your dishwasher to run off with the fucking milkman, I advise surprising your missus every now and then when she gets in from work by putting on your wedding suit (she won’t even notice that it’s too small) and putting a bit of Barry Manilow on the record player. If you’re really feeling in a good mood, you might even want to Brylcreem your hair a bit. But don’t expect the missus to put on her wedding outfit. She wouldn’t be able to fit her little toe into it, the fat bitch. How can you not want to hit her?
