WWE NOC -
***Ziggler v Kofi Kingston for the IC Title***
I love when King, Cole, and Striker are all announching. They're fucking hilarious.
PPV starts with the IC title match. Before they can even announce the match Vickie Guerrero pulls the "Excuse me" bit to introduce the current IC champ, (and her boyfriend) Dolf Ziggler. I guess Dolf and Vickie are having some problems where Dolf is eventually going to fuck her NXT rookie diva. (Who cares??)
Kingston comes out and does the same "boom boom boom" routine which is fucking retarded. We've known you're not Jamaican for a year now? Change your music and your entrance, stop wearing that goofy face on your ass and be a fucking man.
Vickie Guerrero sends her NXT diva to the back because the broad checked on Ziggler. What was the point of bringing her out in the first place?
The arena is so full of smoke it looks like two guys wrestling in heavy fog that a plane would be afraid to take off in. It looks like Saving Private Ryan out there.
This match is boring.
King just told Cole that he will be getting the (and I quote) "Lifetime jerk award." Ziggler hit a Famasser (sp?) that Bad Ass Billy Gunn used to use and Striker referenced making Kofi "famous". Weird to reference a guy that hasn't been around for ten years now.
So Ziggler can get counted out and still lose the title. Kingston was beating the shit out of Ziggler outside the ring to an 8 count and for some reason rolls Ziggler back into the ring for a 2 count. The wrestlers seem to not understand the rules they're wrestling under.
Ziggler retains the IC.
Boring match is boring.
Backstage Edge is interviewed by Todd something and says the other five guys have to beat him, not the other way around. He's going to win... blah blah blah.
***CM Punk v Big Show***
The crowd pops for CM Punk since they're in Chicago. He pulls one of those "I love this city, I love being here, but the one thing I hate about Chicago is... The people" promos.
Big show wins.
Whatever.
Why is Big Show allowed to use a closed fist as a finisher when that shit is illegal in the ring?
Jericho does a promo about... How he's going to win.
***Miz v Bryan Daiels Brians Danielsons***
Miz is still carrying that briefcase... Do you need to carry that with you 24/7? You gonna use it in your own match, guy?
There's a lot of Daniel Bryan Daniels going for the crossface and Miz jumping out of the ring. The wrestling isn't too bad actually. Cole and Stryker yelling at each other is actually entertaining. I can't wait to find out why Cole is swinging so hard from the Miz's nuts, but I hope it doesn't turn out that he's the GM. WWE has a great opportunity to surprise their fans with that GM thing, but lately they've been going with the obvious. Kane was so obviously the guy who attacked Undertaker but he still walked around for 3 months beating people up looking for the real culprit. We all know it's you Kane, and guess what... it was.
I can't put my finger on why Daniel Bryan Daniels is so interesting to me, but his in-ring work is great. There's something so ANTI-WWE "Superstar" about him. He's got more than three moves, for one. He just seems natural and "real" in the ring. Holy shit Miz just clotheslined the shit out of Bryans Daniel Bryan. Damn.
Daniel Bryan Daniels gets his face punched in and the ref threatens a DQ. Bryan Daniels locks the crossface out of nowhere and Miz taps. This was a great match, even though I'm 80% positive that Miz's leg could have easily been under the rope if he just extended his leg.
Cole calls the win, and I quote, "a fluke" and "a disgrace."
John Cena cuts a promo about how he's going to win. It's somewhat funny. He says something about there being a 0% chance that the Rated R Superstar is still rated R because it's a PG show. LoL.
***Some Diva v Melina in a Lumberjill match to unify titles***
Matt Stryker sees Jillian and says "Jillian... Jillians still here?"
Boring happens, some boring happens... Melina had the pin but the ref was out of position. Melina pulls the Matrix moves but the McCool still manages to beat the shit out of her. McCool sets up Melina on the top in the corner, and they appear to go for some move but fuck up and wind up falling out of the ring. The "Lumberjills" clearly don't know what to do because instead of beating the shit out of them they all just stand around like a bunch of squares, making it even more obvious that they fucked up.
McCool wins.
Whatever.
Wade Barrett is in the back and he's sure he's going to win.
***Kane v Taker for the world championship, No holds barred***
Undertaker does the usual... 15 minutes to get to the ring enterance. He looks to be in decent shape. Kane comes out and Taker meets him on the ramp throwing fists. Taker is tossing Kane all over the place including the fake pillar that's part of the set. Decent start to what is surely going to be a slow match. I expect to see a lot of punching here, and there is.
Why is it that when you put your hand on a bald dudes head you can still pick him up as if he had hair? Wrestling physics are interesting sometimes.
Kane beats the shit out of Taker for about 10 mins. Don't one of these guys know any wrestling moves? I haven't seen a wrestling move sinse the fucking diva's match and that's sad. The angle seems to be that no matter what Taker does, Kane gets back to his feet quickly. Clever. I think they should have busted out the urn if not go the full nine and bring back Paul Bearer. Maybe we'll see something like that leading to Hell in a Cell.
I still haven't seen a wrestling move.
Kane is knocking the shit out of Taker. Just punching him in the grill and Taker doesn't even put his hands up. Taker is doing the "Bring it" type motion and Kane responds by bitchslapping the shit out of Taker.
I absolutely LOVE the "Yay/Boo" spots where they exchange punches. That shit makes me laugh.
Taker just used the first wrestling move of the night with a clothesline abut 10-15 mins into the match, and the second with a leg drop. Congrats Taker. Kane wins with a Tombstone counter to Tombstone and retains. Taker stumbles out of the ring and they're selling it like he might be done. He's hobbling like the old man he is. Perhaps the Undertakers "powers" are gone now that there's a ban on Soma's.
It's good to see Kane actually get to keep a fucking title for more than a day this time.
Orton is backstage and his promo consists of him looking around like a douchebag for 30 seconds before saying that he doesn't have anything to say.
***Tag Team Turmoil Match for the tag championships***
5 tag teams participating. Only two are real tag teams and none of them are any good.
Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre win.
Whatever.
If you're watching the replay like I am, you'd be wise to skip this whole thing. I actually watched it and it's worthless.
Dear Mr. Del Rio... You're fucking boring. He missed a great opportunity to be funny when he said that so many people have constipation of the mind. He should have followed that up with "I on the otherhand have diarrea of the brain."
Sheamus is backstage and he's pretty sure he's going to win. So let's start this fucking match already.
Jericho is the first person out so I'm done watching this.. lol.
Orton won. If it wasn't Jericho at least it was Orton. I guess that's good-bye for Jerich for a while.
Best match of the night was Bryan Daniel Bryan and the Miz. Seriously... I know, right?
Cool story, huh?
