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Jun 27, 2002
14,470
135
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#21
Using the above techniques and tips, I was able to get this girl to agree to the sex within 10 minutes of messaging her. You'll notice I had forgotten to ask her what her name was until after we'd agreed on the course of action. Oops.

To take up space and make it look like I actually write a ton about each article on this stupid, lonely website, I will tell you the whole embarrassing truth about exactly what happened that night.

I got to her place around 8:50 and parked about 3 houses down on the opposite side of the street because I feared a trick was being pulled on me. Of the many possible horrible outcomes to this meeting, some of the most horrid were it being the wrong address, having her actually be a guy, having her boyfriend answer, having her dad answer with a shotgun, or her being a Fatty McFatty. I waited for a few minutes until I saw her porch lights come on around 9:00pm, our agreed meeting time. I gave her a call, taking care to make it a private call, and said, "I'm outside your house. Get out here."

She told me that her uncle and aunt really wanted to meet me, however, so I had to muster up the courage to go up and ring the damned doorbell. Keep in mind that we had already discussed what she'd told them about me. I was supposed to be a gay friend of hers picking her up to go to the mall or some dumb excuse similar to that. It's all in the chat log. I tell you it was a very awkward moment when her uncle opened the door, and with a twinkle in his eye looked me up and down, gave a big smile and a soft handshake and yelled upstairs for her to get down because I was here. Thank God they didn't make me go inside because I would have felt like I was walking into my death trap.

I already knew she had a lazy-ish left eye from the pictures, and I wasn't expecting anything less than a size 14 from her, so I was not surprised when I saw her lumbering down the stairs towards me standing at the front door. She was wearing some garish black cotton tights and a jacket and was looking for the whole world like a slut, except to her aunt and uncle.

We get in my car and and drove to the nearest Quik-Stop to buy Trojans and lubrication (for the finger-in-her-ass action later that night). Afterwards, we proceeded to start searching for a motel. This would, unfortunately, take up most of the night's time, as the location for cheap motels eluded us. After around 20 minutes of fruitless driving and roughly 20 words from me, I asked her, "Well, you might as well get started on that oral fixation you mentioned, huh?", to which she kindly informed me that she had never done it in a car and would rather wait until we got to the hotel. Fucking tease.

Another 40 minutes pass as I try not to think of what she looks like and not saying a word to her because I was only doing this for research and for the site and because she was a horrible example of when girls take a turn for the worse when the goddamned car ran out of gas.

You see, being a poor college student, it is often the car that takes the most abuse and usually ends up with the least amount of attention until it is too late. So, there we were, stuck at the stoplight of a semi-busy highway intersection, out of gas and sitting next to an ugly... thing. I laughed at the situation at the moment, not knowing that it save my life later that night. I walked over to the nearest gas station, which as luck would have it was 50 feet from where we were stopped, and bought a 1-gallon tank. Things were finally going my way because about 300 meters north of us was a $40/night motel that I drove over to. We'd finally get started. I'm sure the clerk wasn't surprised when I walked in there, asked for the cheapest room for one night, carrying a small brown bag that contained the Trojans and the lube, accompanied by a female resembling a dog, and I'm glad he didn't bother asking.
 
Jun 27, 2002
14,470
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#22
We get up to the room, 304, and I told her I just wanted to get this shit over with and if she could take off her clothes. Irony then took a swing at me because she mentioned wanting to do it with the lights on when all the girls I have been with that were passably cute always wanted the lights off. She took off her shirt, exposing the wavy rolls and making it hard for me not to laugh in her face at the sight of her pitifully-sized breasts. Call me weird or something but I have always found it hilarious whenever I see a fat beast with tiny breasts.

She asked if I wanted to see her cool panties, at which I cautiously said yes, so she pulled down her pants and bared her Scooby-Doo briefs. I must admit, they were pretty cool. I told her I wasn't in the mood for clothes and to just go ahead and take everything off. God the light was tormenting my eyes with her figure, but at least I saw that she was smooth shaven. When life throws limes at you, squeeze them into your eyes to ignore the rest of the horror.

She hops into bed while I crawl in, finally accepting my fate, and get down to business.

You know that oral fixation she claimed to have in the chat log? I do not know who the hell she had been practicing on, but it felt better when her mouth was not around my pole. She had the unique inability to not be able to breathe while giving head, so every few seconds she would come up and take a big gulp of air before going back down. I have to congratulate her on not gagging, even though it is not that hard since I am not that big to begin with. During this time I busied myself with playing with her tits, but like this whole thing I was soon regretting that as well. I swear her nipple must have had an infection or something because it literally felt as hard as a rock. I was too afraid to look down and see it myself because I did not want to carry that image around with me for the rest of my life, but I let my hand drop out of her tit's reach.

I finally told her to stop because I was getting tired of the lack of feeling good, and proceeded to start playing with her pussy. You know that area of folded skin above the opening that is usually bunched together on most women? This damned thing was wide open, almost like the Nile River's delta, and it was just as wet. Ugh. Since she was already naturally lubed up I stuck a finger up her cooter, but soon got tired worming around in that cavern, and within minutes I was busy pumping away with 3 fingers. Just FYI, my fingers are pretty damned fat.

I took the KY-Jelly, still with my left hand pumping in and out of her cootch, and slathered the lube all over my right hand and her anus, where I began to stick a few fingers in there and wiggle them around. She started complaining of some pain but I ignored it because damned she was moaning loud enough for both of us and I wanted some action tonight, too. Her complaining finally got to me, though, so I pulled my fingers out of her ass with a satisfactory pop, and put on a condom. Mr. Irony decided to stick his head back in my business with the following... weird dialogue:
 
Jun 27, 2002
14,470
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#23
Her: What are you doing? Don't stick your dick in me!
Me: What? Why the hell not?
Her: Because I want to stay a virgin and I am saving myself for a special guy. I can't do this with you.
Me: What the hell are you babbling about?! I HAVE 3 FUCKING FINGERS IN YOUR GODDAMNED PUSSY AND I JUST PULLED 2 OUT OF YOUR ASS, AND A MINUTE AGO YOU WERE GIVING ME A HORRIBLE BLOWJOB. HOW THE HELL DO YOU STILL QUALIFY AS A GODDAMNED VIRGIN?!

The mystery of that riddle will haunt me forever, but the most satisfactory answer I can come up with is, "Women are dumb animals."

I decided to get the fuck out of there since I was obviously not going to be sticking my dick in her poop-chute or her Grand Canyon-esque pussy and it would take me all night to pop my load from her crappy head.

I dropped her off with the excuse that I had to work that night and promised her that I would e-mail her (haha), and drove home, a bitter shell of a man.

In other news, I just got engaged on Saturday the 4th. Congratulations me!

This concludes part I of my horrible internet dating experiences because I will shoot myself if forced to remember too much of this crap in one night.