Fuck its only Wednesday...Kill some time to get closer to Friday
- Thread starter mustynutz
- Start date
So every guy at some point in his life finds a girl that really peaks his interest... and by peaks I mean "hardens" and interest I mean "monster." But what if the girl doesn't seem to hold that same interest? What if despite every sneaky ploy to go beyond the level of friendship, she still resists. What.... what if alcohol doesn't work?
I have found the solution. Sure, it's dastardly. Sure, you're going to go to hell. Sure, you'll share a rock with Stalin, but you'll also get laid with the forbidden fruit. So how do you do it? Well mother fuckers, it's all in the viewing entertainment.
You see, when a girl looks at you and doesn't see the connection in your eyes or whatever love bullshit the ho believes in, you've got to find a way to make her think you do feel that way about her. Now, you might be wondering how you get her to watch the movie, well that's pretty simple. Flaky chicks love these movies, especially the hot ones that believe in "true love" and "ohhh romance" and my favorite "the one". HA. HA. HA.
So, the list (Ratings on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the best):
Pretty Woman – Yeah, you had to figure this would be in here somewhere, but it's got to go number one. The Cinderella subtleties and the flowering of a somewhat innocent woman get girls wet like I've never witnessed with any other film. Basically, every woman sees it as a classic, and every guy sees it as legal date rape.
Level of wetness: 4
Level of horniness: 5
Chances of you getting ass: 89%
Notting Hill: So what if it's another Julia Roberts flick, do you think there's a coincidence here? Women flock to this actress, which is why she is consistently the winner of the People's Choice award for Best Actress. On top of that, now you have that chode licker Hugh Grant to add to the movie. The film has this atmosphere of Rocky in it, only it works for girls. You know how pumped you get at the end of Rocky II when he finally beats Apollo Creed? Well that's how girls feel when Roberts gives Hugh her love. Hugh's some bullshit store clerk or something, probably similar to the failure that you are. When the girl you're trying to hook up with sees this, she'll feel sympathy.
Level of wetness: 3
Level of horniness: 3
Chances of you getting your cock smoked: 59%
ANY MOVIE WITH BRAD PITT: It doesn't matter, get over yourself. Plus, most of the movies are good. Three to stay away from: Seven, Fight Club, and Twelve Monkeys. Yeah, he's in them, but they're pretty fucked up and not much romance to them. This would be the kind of thing Steve Buschemi shows a girl right before they drop acid. Hey, if she's into that, cool... but then you really wouldn't need the aid of movies to get ass. These movies will most likely just leave your date feeling depressed. Save this one for the third or fourth date to show her your culture or something.
Level of wetness: varies (5 if it's Meet Joe Black)
Level of horniness: 4 (5 if it's Meet Joe Black)
Chances for a very special rim job: 81%
Sweet November – There's a decent chance that this one might leave your girl depressed, but it's worth the risk. Basically, the story is the same old cliché story, guy meets girl, falls in love, finds out she's terminally ill and was just going to play him for a month to let them both "live" a little. So basically, somebody dies in it, which is sort of close to an action movie. Note: if you know she's sensitive about cancer, stay away from this one. The only thing people EVER DIE FROM in a chick flick is cancer.
Level of wetness: 2
Level of horniness: 2.33
Chances you've got to tea bag her: 29%
Chances for a second date: 97%
So there you have it. Now you guys have finished watching the movie, and still nothing has happened. You're on opposite ends of the couch, or worse yet, she keeps answering her phone during the movie and saying things like "Oh, nothing" and "This sucks ass, I don't know why I ever agreed to do this. Yeah, he's ugly too."
Don't give up. Now it's time for your secret weapon. If this doesn't work, just take your fingernails and scrape you face off: you're that ugly.
Bust out.... SEASON 5: SEX AND THE CITY
For some reason, no girl can resist this show. Not only can they not resist it, but it completely revolves around sex and relationships. Chances are, you're going to see boobs too, which rocks. And all the girls in it agree that promiscuous sex is okay. Not only that, but she'll then want to talk about sex with you because of the issues brought about in the show. Basically, just call this girl Paris Hilton and let her have at it.
Level of wetness: 5
Level of Horniness: 5
Chances you're working with to stick it in her butt and make her oink like a pig: 99%
I have found the solution. Sure, it's dastardly. Sure, you're going to go to hell. Sure, you'll share a rock with Stalin, but you'll also get laid with the forbidden fruit. So how do you do it? Well mother fuckers, it's all in the viewing entertainment.
You see, when a girl looks at you and doesn't see the connection in your eyes or whatever love bullshit the ho believes in, you've got to find a way to make her think you do feel that way about her. Now, you might be wondering how you get her to watch the movie, well that's pretty simple. Flaky chicks love these movies, especially the hot ones that believe in "true love" and "ohhh romance" and my favorite "the one". HA. HA. HA.
So, the list (Ratings on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the best):
Pretty Woman – Yeah, you had to figure this would be in here somewhere, but it's got to go number one. The Cinderella subtleties and the flowering of a somewhat innocent woman get girls wet like I've never witnessed with any other film. Basically, every woman sees it as a classic, and every guy sees it as legal date rape.
Level of wetness: 4
Level of horniness: 5
Chances of you getting ass: 89%
Notting Hill: So what if it's another Julia Roberts flick, do you think there's a coincidence here? Women flock to this actress, which is why she is consistently the winner of the People's Choice award for Best Actress. On top of that, now you have that chode licker Hugh Grant to add to the movie. The film has this atmosphere of Rocky in it, only it works for girls. You know how pumped you get at the end of Rocky II when he finally beats Apollo Creed? Well that's how girls feel when Roberts gives Hugh her love. Hugh's some bullshit store clerk or something, probably similar to the failure that you are. When the girl you're trying to hook up with sees this, she'll feel sympathy.
Level of wetness: 3
Level of horniness: 3
Chances of you getting your cock smoked: 59%
ANY MOVIE WITH BRAD PITT: It doesn't matter, get over yourself. Plus, most of the movies are good. Three to stay away from: Seven, Fight Club, and Twelve Monkeys. Yeah, he's in them, but they're pretty fucked up and not much romance to them. This would be the kind of thing Steve Buschemi shows a girl right before they drop acid. Hey, if she's into that, cool... but then you really wouldn't need the aid of movies to get ass. These movies will most likely just leave your date feeling depressed. Save this one for the third or fourth date to show her your culture or something.
Level of wetness: varies (5 if it's Meet Joe Black)
Level of horniness: 4 (5 if it's Meet Joe Black)
Chances for a very special rim job: 81%
Sweet November – There's a decent chance that this one might leave your girl depressed, but it's worth the risk. Basically, the story is the same old cliché story, guy meets girl, falls in love, finds out she's terminally ill and was just going to play him for a month to let them both "live" a little. So basically, somebody dies in it, which is sort of close to an action movie. Note: if you know she's sensitive about cancer, stay away from this one. The only thing people EVER DIE FROM in a chick flick is cancer.
Level of wetness: 2
Level of horniness: 2.33
Chances you've got to tea bag her: 29%
Chances for a second date: 97%
So there you have it. Now you guys have finished watching the movie, and still nothing has happened. You're on opposite ends of the couch, or worse yet, she keeps answering her phone during the movie and saying things like "Oh, nothing" and "This sucks ass, I don't know why I ever agreed to do this. Yeah, he's ugly too."
Don't give up. Now it's time for your secret weapon. If this doesn't work, just take your fingernails and scrape you face off: you're that ugly.
Bust out.... SEASON 5: SEX AND THE CITY
For some reason, no girl can resist this show. Not only can they not resist it, but it completely revolves around sex and relationships. Chances are, you're going to see boobs too, which rocks. And all the girls in it agree that promiscuous sex is okay. Not only that, but she'll then want to talk about sex with you because of the issues brought about in the show. Basically, just call this girl Paris Hilton and let her have at it.
Level of wetness: 5
Level of Horniness: 5
Chances you're working with to stick it in her butt and make her oink like a pig: 99%
