THE MANGO LESSON
This goes back to my childhood. My uncles took me out back for the ‘Mango Talk.’ Y’see, Americans give their kids that “Birds and Bees” talk. Filipinos give their boys the “Mango Talk.” When my extended family started seeing that I was noticing girls, it was that time. Two of my uncles, fresh off the boat from the islands, took me outside with a mango.
“Leesen carepuly, my nepew,” Uncle Romy said in a tone an octave and a half lower than normal, “Yoo must learn how to make a woman happy.”
“-Yep!” Uncle Titoy chimed in, “-Second to handling a knipe, dees is the most important ting yoo must know as a Pilipino man.”
Uncle Titoy pulled out his bad-assed butterfly knife: shaklinkklinkklink! He flipped the blade open in an impressive display of casual skill and proceeded to cut the mango in half. He gave me one half and the other he gave to Uncle Romy.
“Now, we want to show yoo someting: a girls ‘peck-peck’ you know…''”
Uncle Titoy was chuckling. Uncle Romy flashed him a stern look, then continued, “…'' a girls ‘peck-peck’ is a lot like dees mango…''” He pointed to my half of the mango.
“Ip she is happy por yoo, she is joocy like de mango.”
He proceeded to eat his half and instructed me to do the same. Uncle Titoy was still stifling his giggling.
“Gibe her some nice licks, like dees…''”
He proceeded to run his extended tongue up and down the length of his half. I followed suit. “Now, dees ees bery, bery important! Up at de top ob de ‘peck-peck’ es a ‘grape’…''”
Uncle Titoy put both hands over his mouth, his eyes squinted shut as he choked on his laughter. “Dees ‘grape’; ip yoo lick and suck on dees, de mango gets eben more joocy!”
He squeezed his half-mango for effect. The juices were running down his forearm. I squeezed mine and made a mess. I slurped up the sticky nectar that had pooled in the palm of my hand. “MMMmmmm! -tastes so good! Eh?”
I nodded my head, hardly understanding the humor that my Uncles were getting from this, but still, I was happy that they were happy. Happy that they were spending this time with me.
“OK…'' now, remember: yoo are peenished only when she is happy and smiley.”
He paused and looked at Uncle Titoy, smiled, then brought his fingers up to his mouth.
“And when yoo are all peenished…''”
He started to pick his teeth with his pinky nail, “…'' You can pull de hairs prom yur teeth!”
Then they both busted up into uncontrolled laughter.
I didn’t get it back then. But I do remember picking the fiber of the mango fruit from my own teeth…''
