anti-jokes thread
- Thread starter M BUTCHER 206
- Start date
A duck walks into a drug store and approaches the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "Excuse me sir, but could you point me in the direction of the chap stick? My bill is totally chapped." The pharmacist looks at the duck and says, "Get out of here!"
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What did the homeless man get for christmas?
He didn't get anything because he has no family and friends, and no job or any income to provide himself a present.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
He got frostbite from sleeping in such extremely cold conditions. His feet were later amputated and it was billed to local tax-payers.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.
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Why do black people like fried chicken?
Because fried chicken is delicious and if you don't like it you must be a fuckin faggot.
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A cop approaches a little boy who is sitting on a park bench crying. He asks the kid, "What's wrong little buddy?" He learns that the boys entire family has just been murdered.
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What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
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What did the homeless man get for his birthday?
Nothing. He was in jail because he was arrested for vagrancy.
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A moose walks into a grocery store and yells at the female cashier, "YO CHECK OUT LADY WHERE DA POTATOES BE AT?", to which she replies, "Aisle four". He goes to aisle four, and there ain't no potatoes.
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A dog walks into a bar. The bartender quickly calls animal control and the dog is removed without incident, allowing the bar patrons to happily continue on with their night. It is later euthanized at the local dog shelter due to a lack of willing adopters.
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What do you get when you have unprotected sex with a street hooker?
An STD
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Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Daves eyes begin to water, as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him. His memories with her flash before his eyes and he begins to cry.
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" to which the horse replies "I have cancer."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?" Because the horse is an animal and incapable of communicating, he says nothing.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse answers, "My alcoholism is slowly killing me and is tearing my family apart."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender finds this to be very odd, and almost immediately he wakes up and realizes it was just a dream. He laughs and turns to his wife and explains to her his very odd dream. She gives him a crude look and says nothing, and he turns over and begins to cry because he realizes that his marriage is in shambles.
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A state patrol officer pulls over an extremely attractive blonde at 3am, after observing her weaving around dangerously on the freeway. He asks if she's been drinking tonight to which she replies, "Maybe we can take care of this some other way?" He asks her to step out of the vehicle, performs a sobriety test and then places her under arrest for being under the influence of alcohol while operating a motor vehicle.
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What's green and has four wheels?
Grass. I lied about there being wheels, sorry.
---
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
He didn't get anything because he has no family and friends, and no job or any income to provide himself a present.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
He got frostbite from sleeping in such extremely cold conditions. His feet were later amputated and it was billed to local tax-payers.
---
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
----
Why do black people like fried chicken?
Because fried chicken is delicious and if you don't like it you must be a fuckin faggot.
---
A cop approaches a little boy who is sitting on a park bench crying. He asks the kid, "What's wrong little buddy?" He learns that the boys entire family has just been murdered.
---
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
---
What did the homeless man get for his birthday?
Nothing. He was in jail because he was arrested for vagrancy.
---
A moose walks into a grocery store and yells at the female cashier, "YO CHECK OUT LADY WHERE DA POTATOES BE AT?", to which she replies, "Aisle four". He goes to aisle four, and there ain't no potatoes.
---
A dog walks into a bar. The bartender quickly calls animal control and the dog is removed without incident, allowing the bar patrons to happily continue on with their night. It is later euthanized at the local dog shelter due to a lack of willing adopters.
-----
What do you get when you have unprotected sex with a street hooker?
An STD
---
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Daves eyes begin to water, as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him. His memories with her flash before his eyes and he begins to cry.
---
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" to which the horse replies "I have cancer."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?" Because the horse is an animal and incapable of communicating, he says nothing.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse answers, "My alcoholism is slowly killing me and is tearing my family apart."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender finds this to be very odd, and almost immediately he wakes up and realizes it was just a dream. He laughs and turns to his wife and explains to her his very odd dream. She gives him a crude look and says nothing, and he turns over and begins to cry because he realizes that his marriage is in shambles.
---
A state patrol officer pulls over an extremely attractive blonde at 3am, after observing her weaving around dangerously on the freeway. He asks if she's been drinking tonight to which she replies, "Maybe we can take care of this some other way?" He asks her to step out of the vehicle, performs a sobriety test and then places her under arrest for being under the influence of alcohol while operating a motor vehicle.
---
What's green and has four wheels?
Grass. I lied about there being wheels, sorry.
