verse 1, feed back please

[reppin_the_509]

Some souljahs are taken, left down in a grave,
Some just fucc up, and are forced to live in a federal cage,
either way we have lost the ones we extol,
whether theyre incarcerated or god took life as a whole,
the pain is amplified when times are eminently hard,
and sometimes it can leave us so noticeably scarred,
we all goin crazy cause our visions impared,
inocent blood covering city streets has got us all scared,
thats why we gotta look back and learn from the error of our mistakes,
cause a commitment to change sometimes is all it can take,
but so many bitchs in the game, just some phonys and fakes,
so i dont know what to do (silence for rest of measure)
they kill the reala ones, and the ones that we love,
at least they outta this hell and they restin above,
this goes out to every homie that aint here on this day,
all thats left to say, resp in peace well get at you again one day,


i wrote this awhile back cause everybody started dying, the homie justin got stabbed, frank got shot, matt got shotgunned, and i got two family memmbers and some friends that are in jail, so i just wrote a quick verse bout it, feedback is appriciated
peace

 

[Preach]

try to not try so hard...hahaha... you're puttin in longer words than are necessary dog, which is fine, but on a few parts it messes up your flow... lyrics are coo, you just gotta work on keeping the flow on point and wording your verses so they sound like you and dont sound like youre tryin to use intelligent words... just be you dog...(this applies more to the beginnin of the flow)...

not too bad, could be better though... keep writing playa...stay up...one...

 

[Stealth]

And this goes to the kid who was raised to just ride/
You was savorin your pride with that glaze in your eyes/
I feel so sick inside, its a shame and I cried/
If I know you wanted to die, I woulda been saving your life/
You was just saying goodbye, that final day when you asked me/
For one last battle for the books and one last chance to try to blast me/
We were just kids when I first flowed and you laughed
It was the Master against Stealth, but I ripped myself when I rapped/
I didn't know it then though, you started a streak in my life
I got a pen and pad and headphones and a beat 'n a mic
I couldn't sleep in the nights, me getting prepped for the rematch
But we never took that step just cuz of death from a relapse/
I'm too stressed out to relax, may your family find strength
And despite the ups and downs, I sincerely owe my thanks/
Seein tattoos of tigers clutchin footballs in their fists
I'm screamin rest in peace the Master/ Five One Six/ forever missed


That's somethin I wrote a few years back when my boy died. I recorded the first 2 verses of a song, but I could never get myself to write the last verse. I dunno if it flows well in text form. That 516 is from our BDay (we were both born the same day). The other verses deal with my boys in jail and my buddies sister that got shot.

But yeah man, your rhyme scheme could be better, but when people write personal shit like that, the message doesn't matter as much as the flow does. Keep it up. And Preach is right about intelligent words. Its good to have them, show people you're thinking and shit, but make sure when you use them, they come out naturally. And make sure you have at least 2 or 3 good ass rhymes for that word.

 

[BETO916]

wrote this awhile back cause everybody started dying, the homie justin got stabbed, frank got shot, matt got shotgunned, and i got two family memmbers and some friends that are in jail, so i just wrote a quick verse bout it,

all bad in fresno...keep ya head up mane, and keep writing.

Peace


good shit stealth

 

[reppin_the_509]

yea, the flow is tight when i spit it ya know, i speed some up slow some down and make it work, and the scheme i guess is hard to get outta text, thatnx for the replies though