True Tech Support Stories

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G

G-Dubb

Sicc OG
#1
Apr 25, 2002
6,082
2,253
113
45
#1
These are real e-mails I got back before I got promoted out of Tech Support. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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hey my name is __(Customer Name)__ and i got a program and i instaled it into my com and when i tryed to start it... i gave me an iligel operation is accoring and i dieleded it fomr the com and i unstaled it again and that is what it gave me again... so what do i do i like to type and i like this program and i want on my com but the drections are gawn and i cant find them.. so if u can help me here is my e-mail __(E-Mail)__ thanx

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Just wanted to let you know how I am thanking my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, for answering my need according to Philippians 4:19 with your __(Software Title)__.

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Your __(Software Title)__ sucks.

thanks for taking my money!

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I have windows ME. Your product, __(Software Title)__ is a peace of shit as it does not install, nor do you even have it listed as a product on your web site. I expect a full refund, plus a monetary reward. You represent everything evil in software and Internet. I can cause you more problems than your illigetiment mother, so you better do something to fix this issue. You are responsible for my miserable, crying son, and the failure of my wife's’ __(Software Purpose)__ skills. I believe you are the cause of mass male suicides and the break up of many good families. You are proof that there should be no gun control and the death penalty is not severe enough. I don’t understand why in the hell you think you can write software, much less try to distribute it when you know nothing about operating systems. You’ve let the snake out of the bag and now you must deal with it. Get your ass in my domain, fix this issue. It may be easier for you to get an honest job and sell manure because we know you are not any good at what you are doing. Regardless, you need to deal with me.

Yours Truly,
__(Customer Name)__
 
Deep Thought

Deep Thought

Sicc OOG
#3
May 21, 2002
3,955
128
0
51
Sacramento, CA
#3
When I used to be a tech I had end users bring in monitors several times that, "didn't work anymore". After turning up the brightness, I would charge them full price. Morons.

Also had a printer brought in that, "smelled funny, smoked, and did not work anymore." Turns out that once taken apart, I found a dead mouse electrocuted in his own piss. I guess the poor fucker had crawled in there and when the printer was powered up, it scared the piss out of him literally and he fried himself. Poor lil bastard.

Another lady complained that her data kept getting lost, seemingly overnight, everynight. I had several components looked at and some disks replaced but to no avail. Finally I broke down and went over to her office and told her to go thru the motions and show me exactly what she does each morning when she comes in. "First off, where are the disks you save on kept?" I asked. This buffoon reaches over to a tall METAL filing cabinet next to her desk and pulls off the MAGNET that was holding her 5.25 inch floppy diskette to the side of said filing cabinett. I could have shit my pants right there.

It took every ounce of professionalism not to beat her upside the head with her "filing" magnet.
 
M

Mr. Cynical

Sicc OG
#5
May 5, 2002
569
0
0
42
#5
LOL I had a tech support job once...It was for people using UPS software & hardware 2 ship their own shit...This dude called one time and said that his "Compters coffee cup holder had broken off" Lol turned out it was his CD drive....What a fuckin idiot lol....

:::gOnE:::
 
G

G-Dubb

Sicc OG
#7
Apr 25, 2002
6,082
2,253
113
45
#7
This is the Shitty Customer List, 4 of us made it a couple years ago at work, all taken from real customer experiences:

The Shitty Customer List

Customers with hick accents
Customers with Canadian accents
Customers with kids in the background
Customers who are eating while talking to you
Customers who breathe into the phone
Customers who are old and can't hear or understand what your saying
Customers who act like they know shit
Customers who think they know more than you
Customers who want help because they fucked up their computer even worse by trying to fix it themselves
Customers who take apart their computers to try to fix a software problem
Customers that are hicks and call Microsoft "Mikersoft"
Customers with Windows 3.1
Customers with DOS
Customers who call back
Customers who have barnyard animal sounds on their computers
Customers who aren't at their computer when they call
Customers who don't have e-mail addresses or fax numbers
Customers who call us about Windows problems
Customers who do their own Y2K testing on their organizers and roll over all their to-do items to the year 2000
Customers that talk about things other than their problem
Customers that ask if you're hiring
Customers with Macs
Customers who don't save their information
Customers who don't believe you
Customers who think the program has a "bug" because it wasn't designed to do what they want
Customers who buy software that has a copyright date of 1989 for $1.00 at a garage sale and wonder why it doesn't work on their Windows 98/ME/2000/XP computer
Customers who use the Windows Briefcase
Customers who start the call with "My great-grandchildren gave me this program..."
Customers who whine
Customers who's noses whistle while they're breathing
Customers who call installing "downloading"
Customers who use beta versions of Windows 2000 and wonder why their software doesn't work anymore
Customers who have their computer set on Large Fonts
Customers who are old and can't see their screen
Customers who can't double-click fast enough
Customers who think that on Jan. 1, 2000 all their data is going to disappear from their hard drive
Customers who try to install programs to a floppy drive
Customers that say "This isn't an old program, I only bought it about 3 years ago!"
Customers who want to register their software over the phone
Customers who don't read the manual
Customers that put you on hold
Customers who install software into the Windows Briefcase
Customers who keep calling over and over until the queue opens
Customers who call on Monday morning and complain about how long they waited
Customers who get mad at us because the salesman said the program can do something that it can't
Customers who don't speak English
Customers who start doing things in other programs when you're telling them what to do
Customers who ask about the weather
Customers who whistle while they're rebooting
Customers who want you to "walk them through it"
Customers who refer to file size in terms of "kilograms" instead of KB
Customers that have to ask if you put the CD in with the writing facing up or down
Customers who say "And what do I do when that doesn't work?"
Customers that try to send you a virus because you didn't fix their problem
Customers who forward you chain letters
Customers that ask for your extension
Customers who have program files in their Recycle Bin and swear that they didn't delete anything
Customers who start the call by saying "Well, my toddler was on the computer..."
Customers that complain that a $5 program doesn't do everything that they want
Customers with less than 1 MB free disk space
Customers who say "I'm not very computer illiterate, so you'll have to go slow..."
Customers who put you on speakerphone
Customers who have to put down the phone to type
Customers who have Illegal Operations in module SOLITARE.EXE
Customers who say they're gonna "come down here and kick my ass"
Customers who think they're supposed to see a picture of Merlin in the "install wizard"
Customers with AOL that want you to e-mail them, but it comes back because AOL isn't set to accept e-mail from you
Customers who don't want to use an "Install Wizard" because "Wizards are related to Satan, and I don't want any on my computer!"
Customers who call a .DLL file a "dill" file
Customers who have a 5 1/4" drive
Customers who try to tell you the error message from memory
Customers who call because our website's down
Customers who call tech support and try to haggle software prices
Customers who think that their Desktop is what they set their monitor and keyboard on
Customers who lie and say they don't have an e-mail address because they want you to walk them through the fix
Customers who try to create shortcuts by dragging the softwares folder from Program Files to their desktop
Customers who have .98 GB hard drives with 8 MB RAM and say "your program is running slow"
Customers who ask you to walk them through using the program
Customers with an Illegal Operation in "model MFC40.dll"
Customers who call and complain about getting porn in their e-mail
Customers who delete all previous e-mails when they reply
Customers who e-mail you with their font set to Comic Sans size 18
 
G

G-Dubb

Sicc OG
#8
Apr 25, 2002
6,082
2,253
113
45
#8
Customers who e-mail tech support along with all their friends and tell them to visit their webpage
Customers that try to make conversation while they're rebooting
Customers who have their computer upstairs and their phone downstairs
Customers who think their computer broke when all it did was went into suspend
Customers who think that their monitor is their computer
Customers who think that you care where they bought your software
Customers who get ahead of you when you're giving them instructions
Customers who are mad because you're interrupting their game of Mah Johng when you pick up the phone
Customers who think that turning off their monitor is turning off their computer
Customers who start the conversation by saying, "I bought this at a flea market..."
Customers that call about another company's software
Customers who call you on a cordless phone and say "Hold on im just getting out of the bathroom."
Customers who ask "Are you going to sell my name and phone number to other companies?"
Customers who call to brag and say "Hey, you know your 30-day trial version software? I've been using mine for 34 days!"
Customers with lisps
Customers who have screen enlarging software for people with vision problems and wonder why the text in the program looks wrong
Customers who get annoyed by us asking how to spell their last name when it's something like "Wyzacokawhitchz"
Customers that think we care if they buy the competitions product
Customers who don't have a CD-ROM drive but want to install the software on the CD anyway
Customers that try to install Windows software on Macs
Customers who think that the software they bought has a virus
Customers who want to save their work to the CD
Customers who type the words 'star' or 'asterisk' instead of '*'
Customers who call to make "sure they're doing it right"
Customers who tell you that their ISP is "Netscape" or "Internet Explorer"
Customers who don't know how to right-click
Customers who get ahead of you and do the wrong things "uh-oh... Hold on a sec..."
Customers who say, "While I've got you on the phone..."
Customers that have their mate pick up the other extension so you're now working with two idiots
Customers who are elderly and call with their husband/wife
Customers who are deaf and call through a TDD translator
Customers who tell you that they've worked with computers, written their own software, blah blah blah and still can't figure out how to perform a simple operation.
Customers who want to "talk to your supervisor"
Customers who threaten to take you to court over a $30.00 program
Customers who only turn off the monitor when you tell them to restart the computer
Customers who keep saying "Huh?" as you explain the situation
Customers who say, "Well why doesn't it say that on the box?" when it does
Customers who are Network Administrators
Customers with Regedit disabled
Customers with more than three monitors hooked up to one machine.
Customers who "need it now" for a meeting in 5 minutes. (Print the shit out the night before, Deadline Boy!)
Customers with no modem that can't figure out what you're saying when you tell them they can't get on the internet
Customers who think Internet Explorer is an Internet Service Provider.
Customers who find one rare, obscure coincidental glitch in a program and think they discovered some mystery of the universe.
Customers who find one rare, obscure coincidental glitch in a program and think they deserve a special prize "or at least a free copy of the program."
Customers who think that if a program can't do what they want, it's a bug
Customers calling from Germany
Customers who call over an Internet Phone connection
Customers who email 10 different times over the weekend (Yeah, like we work Saturday.)
Customers who open My Computer and tell you that they see "3 1/2 Sloppy Disk"
Customers who are holding their crying child while they're on the phone
Customers that call icons "buttons" or "pictures"
Customers that never back up their information
Customers with their volume all the way up
Customers who say "Hold on, I'm checking my e-mail..."
Customers who don't know the title of the software they're calling about
Customers who mute the phone while they beat their children
Customers who put foriegn objects into their disk drives
Customers who get mad because replacement for scratched CD's isn't free
Customers who want free upgrades
Customers who call for help opening the box
Customers who ask "Is this program Y2K completed?"
Customers who stutter
Customers who don't know what letter their CD-ROM drive is
Customers who don't know what a hard drive is
Customers who want to "run it from the CD"
Customers that think you're personally responsible for every bug in the program
Customers who don't know their e-mail address
Customers who don't tell their screaming children to shut the fuck up
Customers who call Run-time errors "Time run errors" or "Run timer errors"
Customers who use font colors other than black in their e-mail
Customers who ask if pre-1990 software is Y2K Compliant
Customers that want to keep talking after their problem is solved
 
A

AdolfOliverBush

Sicc OG
#9
Apr 25, 2002
4,692
2,577
113
43
Houston
#9
Deep Thought said:

Another lady complained that her data kept getting lost, seemingly overnight, everynight. I had several components looked at and some disks replaced but to no avail. Finally I broke down and went over to her office and told her to go thru the motions and show me exactly what she does each morning when she comes in. "First off, where are the disks you save on kept?" I asked. This buffoon reaches over to a tall METAL filing cabinet next to her desk and pulls off the MAGNET that was holding her 5.25 inch floppy diskette to the side of said filing cabinett. I could have shit my pants right there.

It took every ounce of professionalism not to beat her upside the head with her "filing" magnet.
Click to expand...
Why? What did she do wrong? (I'm a computer retard, so I'm assuming this is something obvious that I should know)
 
G

G-Dubb

Sicc OG
#15
Apr 25, 2002
6,082
2,253
113
45
#15
Shitty Customer List from an Internet Service Provider:

People who want you to help them "program the internet into their computer"
People who refer to their machine as "thing-a-ma-jig"
People who call and want help on their computer, when they are at work and the computer is at home.
People who call wondering if a hacker has gotten into their computer because they got a message saying they perfomed an "Illegal Operation"
People who use Trumpet Winsock on Win 3.1
People being mad at you because their Cute FTP shareware expired
People pissed because EBay is down (that should be #1)
WebTV users.
People who can't handle "double clicking"
People who get confused when I tell them to double click on "My Computer", they say "how can I do that when you're there and I'm here???"
People who pronounce "logon" as "Logan"
People who don't know their username/login, but they know their fucking email address (fuckin Ebay sons of bitches)
People who call and say "Is the Internet down today??"
People who think its our fault because their shitty ass 386 laptop running Dosshell won't dial up.
People who don't pay their bill and wonder why they can't get online.
People who get online.
People mad at me because their kids get into porn sites.
People who don't know how to disconnect from the net/shut down their computer (yes i've had several of these calls)
People who refer to CD-Roms as "tapes"
People who bang on their monitors when the computer locks up
People who think all internet companies are incahoots with AOL.
People who email me for tech support and use emoticons. :)
People who email me for tech support.
People who call my house after hours wanting to play Quake 3/get tech support.
Customers who manage to get ahold of my ICQ number.
Female customers who call and tell me "you have a cute voice" knowing damn well I don't.
People who read off ever letter/number on a floating point processor/general protection fault error when their fucking Outlook Express shits itself.
People who send 1+ meg emails.
People who FREAK when they don't get email that "they know someone has sent them". (ebay fuckers)
People who want to put in DNS numbers in their TCP/IP setup after i fucking tell them NO you do NOT fucking need them, fucking fuckers.
People who start off the convo with "i'm really new to computers, never touched them before, so I'm a real dummy. You'll have to go slow...."
People who tell you "I haven't gotten my bill sent in because my (fill in the blank of any relative) just died and *sob* I haven't gotten around to it, Can you turn me back on so I can get on EBay?"
People who use "Outdoor Express"
People who call about "Microwave Internet Explorer"
 
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