I read in the paper

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Homeless J

Sicc OG
#1
Jan 31, 2003
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#1
about a woman who was horrifically obese.

She tried everything short of liposuction. diets, drugs, etc. She couldn't lose the weight.

one day she went in and completely by accident, the doctor discovered she had a 140 pound tumor in her stomach.

This bothered me a lot. so I went in to the doctor to get myself checked.

he said I had a 20 pound tumor, and it was my brain. and it would need to be sawed off immediately, lest I become prone to salpingitis and pediculosis pubis.

Now I'm 20 pounds lighter but my balance is completely thrown off. it's like when Shaun Livingston changed from the huge afro to cornrows and ended up completely and sickeningly destroying his knee on a simple layup, because he was used to the added weight on his landings.

I try to go to my ballerina recitals and they laugh me out of the building. every Tuesday night I walk home in my pink tutu and frilly waistband, weeping softly into my rumpled-up stockings.
 
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Homeless J

Sicc OG
#3
Jan 31, 2003
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#3
shut up, you do that on purpose anyway. Stop making excuses!

I like to shit on the toilet seat at resteraunts. I've only been to one expensive place and I'm proud to say I made the towel man quit his job.
 
DaKingSodomizer

DaKingSodomizer

Member
#4
Jul 15, 2007
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#4
man i hate having to take a shit at a place where there is a towel man ( or black dude ) because he is usually sitting very close to the shitters and you know he ain't gonna step out so you just gotta let it explode... I think they get off on that shit. What a poor fucking excuse for a fucking job that is.... i have more respect for the man who actually begs outside for some money. I ain't gonna give some fucking stupid fuck some money just cause he is in the bathroom sitting right next to the paper towels i need to dry my hands. I just started to never wash my hands no matter what i do in a bathroom if there is someone in there purportedly working.
 
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G-Dubb

Sicc OG
#6
Apr 25, 2002
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#6
This story is false, Homeless J doesn't read newspapers except for the comics and Anne Landers, and when he's done he uses them to clean windshields on the street corner, taking business away from my car wash.
 
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Homeless J

Sicc OG
#7
Jan 31, 2003
267
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#7
g-dubbington, that's what you get for firing me from the car wash for showing up in a two-piece bathing suit. Just because my ass hair was poking out and one of my balls was stuck outside on the front in plain sight doesn't mean I can't wash cars. it just means I look SEXY AS FUCK washing cars. it's practically your own fault that I have started my own car washing empire to compete with yours.

also, you forgot to mention that I use the newspaper for toilet paper also, and THEN I use it to wash windshields. and then I use it for a blanket. in that order.

also also, you have the best sig ever. I hate children and watching them be kicked repeatedly gives me a sense of fulfillment that I usually only get when I take a huge shit, or successfully masturbate into someone's drink when they're temorarily away from it, such as during a trip to the bathroom.
 
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Homeless J

Sicc OG
#8
Jan 31, 2003
267
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#8
also also also, I'm kind of surprised King Sodomizer doesn't enjoy shitting in front of black people. I don't know why, I just kind of am. I always figured you for that type of guy.
 
DaKingSodomizer

DaKingSodomizer

Member
#9
Jul 15, 2007
63
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#9
Homeless J said:
also also also, I'm kind of surprised King Sodomizer doesn't enjoy shitting in front of black people. I don't know why, I just kind of am. I always figured you for that type of guy.
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Oh I do dude . Don't get me wrong . Just not ones that are waiting for my money. When I shit in front of a black dude , It is usually because I'm getting ready for some prison style sex!! I like to have my asshole nice and lubed up with my moist shit for some nice and dirty backdoor entry.
 
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G-Dubb

Sicc OG
#11
Apr 25, 2002
6,082
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#11
Homeless J said:
g-dubbington, that's what you get for firing me from the car wash for showing up in a two-piece bathing suit. Just because my ass hair was poking out and one of my balls was stuck outside on the front in plain sight doesn't mean I can't wash cars. it just means I look SEXY AS FUCK washing cars. it's practically your own fault that I have started my own car washing empire to compete with yours.

also, you forgot to mention that I use the newspaper for toilet paper also, and THEN I use it to wash windshields. and then I use it for a blanket. in that order.

also also, you have the best sig ever. I hate children and watching them be kicked repeatedly gives me a sense of fulfillment that I usually only get when I take a huge shit, or successfully masturbate into someone's drink when they're temorarily away from it, such as during a trip to the bathroom.
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The problem wasn't the two piece bathing suit, you know they're encouraged, the problem was that the only two pieces you were wearing were a headband and wristbands.
 
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Homeless J

Sicc OG
#13
Jan 31, 2003
267
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#13
G-Dubb said:
The problem wasn't the two piece bathing suit, you know they're encouraged, the problem was that the only two pieces you were wearing were a headband and wristbands.
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In my defense, before the now-infamous incident mentioned above, there was no specific vernacular in the employee handbook that stated exactly two pieces of WHAT I had to wear. In your defense, you did later on provide the Homeless J Provision stating that they must at least cover the urethra and butthole.

I also don't remember anyone complaining that day I wore a thong made out of stapled-together banana peels and a bowler hat.
 
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