Throughout the six hundred year history of professional wrestling, nobody has captivated worldwide cable television crowds with the same unique combination of style and finesse as Sergeant Slaughter. Nobody that is, except for Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Jake is most widely known for becoming addicted to cocaine and having a fat daughter. But this courageous old man is much more than that, he possesses an in-depth knowledge of how to beat you up with a snake. Ric Flair, who represents 99% of wrestlers, brings a dressing gown to the ring; Jake Roberts brings a fucking 15 foot snake. As you can see, I have conclusively proven the superiority of Jake the Snake over every other wrestler on Earth. The rest of this article will be devoted to random shit.
The reason I feel sorry for Jake the Snake is he has a fat daughter. This is unlucky for Jake, because most famous people raise daughters that could easily be classified as bonkworthy. Poor old Jake is stuck with a fat bitch who cries all the time and embarrasses him in the movie "WWF: Beyond the Mat." But when this inflated cow's gut of a daughter is off camera, we learn Jake's life is as cool and chemical fueled as always. His section of the film starts off with a disclaimer, saying he would only agree to be interviewed if the producers bought him cocaine. When you're Jake the Snake you can do shit like that, and nobody is going to stop you, unless they want a giant snake clinging to their goddamn face.
As an average citizen who's familiar with every single detail of wrestling, most of you will know that all famous wrestler's are required to undergo a stage of being the Bad Guy. When Vince McMahon told Jake he had to become a Bad Guy, Jake was cool with that. He just got his snake to bite the Macho Man on his fucking face a few times. As a professional student of wrestling I can verify this as the most spectacularly complex wrestling maneuver ever executed. Most wrestlers become a Bad Guy by making fun of the audience's home town or some lame shit; Jake Roberts gets his cobra to bite you on the goddamn face. Also, I know a lot of you are saying wrestling isn't real, and that's because you fucking suck, so shuttup.
I'd like to see more people finding out Jake the Snake's address, and mailing their wages to it. People may think they need this money for trivial things like surviving, but the bible teaches us that Jake can put our money to the much more valuable use of snorting cocaine in a bar. The reason Jake needs all your money is that Vince McMahon gave all the 1980s wrestling money to Hulk Hogan, and random faggots like "Zeus". Who the fuck remembers Zeus? Nobody gives a flying fuck about Zeus for christ's sake. Zeus can get clusterfucked by a rampaging pack of baboons for all the public cares; the true messiah of the world is Jake the goddamn Snake. And he still isn't richer than God. Fuck you Vince McMahon.
Although Jake the Snake is the most dynamic superstar the WWF has ever seen, he never won a title. That's because Jake realises title belts are for pink-tights-wearing poofsexuals named Brett Hart. Jake was officially noted to laugh and snort cocaine when Brett's brother died by falling from the catwalk of a stadium during a live broadcast. Nobody gave a fuck about Owen Hart anyway, what the fuck did he do? I'll tell you what he did: he teamed up with a retard named Koko B. Ware. Koko B. Ware's most distinguishing feature was that he owned a parrot. Koko is recently famous for turning up at d-class "wrestling" contests that are located in a barn. When attending these prestigious events, Koko wears the same unwashed fluro green parachute he wore in 1988. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for him, if you're a fucking loser.
To give you an idea of how cool Jake Roberts was, his snakes were named Lucifer and Damian. Rumours that the cobra who bit the Macho Man's face off was named "The Prince of Killing You" have so far been proven true. Everything about Jake the Snake spells tough, except his fatass daughter, who is a mysterious anomaly in the life of an otherwise supremely cool man. Some wrestlers, like The Ultimate Warrior, would have epileptic seizures in order to make themselves look tough. This technique is inferior to the method used by wrestling scholar Jake Roberts, who found out that throwing a bag full of snake onto someone's eyeball accomplishes much more in the way of fear.
As I have painstakingly outlined for you, Jake the Snake is the most technically accurate and spontaneously combustible of the various wrestling species. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake is Jake's only known competitor in the world of wrestlers who transcend the lameness of their sport. In conclusion, I want everyone to know that Jake Roberts knows about murder, and will do it to you via a snake if you ever talk shit to him. Rumours that Jake the Snake is making a movie with Shaq and Mike Tyson about slam-dunk-wrestle-boxing are currently unconfirmed.
LMMFAO......where do people think of this shit
The reason I feel sorry for Jake the Snake is he has a fat daughter. This is unlucky for Jake, because most famous people raise daughters that could easily be classified as bonkworthy. Poor old Jake is stuck with a fat bitch who cries all the time and embarrasses him in the movie "WWF: Beyond the Mat." But when this inflated cow's gut of a daughter is off camera, we learn Jake's life is as cool and chemical fueled as always. His section of the film starts off with a disclaimer, saying he would only agree to be interviewed if the producers bought him cocaine. When you're Jake the Snake you can do shit like that, and nobody is going to stop you, unless they want a giant snake clinging to their goddamn face.
As an average citizen who's familiar with every single detail of wrestling, most of you will know that all famous wrestler's are required to undergo a stage of being the Bad Guy. When Vince McMahon told Jake he had to become a Bad Guy, Jake was cool with that. He just got his snake to bite the Macho Man on his fucking face a few times. As a professional student of wrestling I can verify this as the most spectacularly complex wrestling maneuver ever executed. Most wrestlers become a Bad Guy by making fun of the audience's home town or some lame shit; Jake Roberts gets his cobra to bite you on the goddamn face. Also, I know a lot of you are saying wrestling isn't real, and that's because you fucking suck, so shuttup.
I'd like to see more people finding out Jake the Snake's address, and mailing their wages to it. People may think they need this money for trivial things like surviving, but the bible teaches us that Jake can put our money to the much more valuable use of snorting cocaine in a bar. The reason Jake needs all your money is that Vince McMahon gave all the 1980s wrestling money to Hulk Hogan, and random faggots like "Zeus". Who the fuck remembers Zeus? Nobody gives a flying fuck about Zeus for christ's sake. Zeus can get clusterfucked by a rampaging pack of baboons for all the public cares; the true messiah of the world is Jake the goddamn Snake. And he still isn't richer than God. Fuck you Vince McMahon.
Although Jake the Snake is the most dynamic superstar the WWF has ever seen, he never won a title. That's because Jake realises title belts are for pink-tights-wearing poofsexuals named Brett Hart. Jake was officially noted to laugh and snort cocaine when Brett's brother died by falling from the catwalk of a stadium during a live broadcast. Nobody gave a fuck about Owen Hart anyway, what the fuck did he do? I'll tell you what he did: he teamed up with a retard named Koko B. Ware. Koko B. Ware's most distinguishing feature was that he owned a parrot. Koko is recently famous for turning up at d-class "wrestling" contests that are located in a barn. When attending these prestigious events, Koko wears the same unwashed fluro green parachute he wore in 1988. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for him, if you're a fucking loser.
To give you an idea of how cool Jake Roberts was, his snakes were named Lucifer and Damian. Rumours that the cobra who bit the Macho Man's face off was named "The Prince of Killing You" have so far been proven true. Everything about Jake the Snake spells tough, except his fatass daughter, who is a mysterious anomaly in the life of an otherwise supremely cool man. Some wrestlers, like The Ultimate Warrior, would have epileptic seizures in order to make themselves look tough. This technique is inferior to the method used by wrestling scholar Jake Roberts, who found out that throwing a bag full of snake onto someone's eyeball accomplishes much more in the way of fear.
As I have painstakingly outlined for you, Jake the Snake is the most technically accurate and spontaneously combustible of the various wrestling species. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake is Jake's only known competitor in the world of wrestlers who transcend the lameness of their sport. In conclusion, I want everyone to know that Jake Roberts knows about murder, and will do it to you via a snake if you ever talk shit to him. Rumours that Jake the Snake is making a movie with Shaq and Mike Tyson about slam-dunk-wrestle-boxing are currently unconfirmed.
LMMFAO......where do people think of this shit
o shit and Repo man Or whatever
