What about:
"Hi everyone, I'm 4'11, 209 lbs, green hair, 3 treatable STD's, one permanent STD, 4 children, no job, crack cocaine addiction. I am a man-hating lesbian. I enjoy my Harley Davidson motorcycle and out-aiming men at the shooting range. I chew Skoal Wintergreen and wear dentures. I do not like to reciprocate oral sex because of my teeth, but I love receiving. Please date me, I attach to the point of smothering. Also, please be shaved or you will get crabs."