Tuesday Time Killaz....

[mustynutz]

Hilarity was the name of the game at work today

I don't know what set it off.

As all of you edumacated peoples here know it's the beginning of the new fiscal year. That means all of the department heads are all shipped off to corporate for a couple of day developing fancy "development strategies", "marketing analysis", and looking for real estate to put their secret volcano lair with Cobra Commanders Face on the side of it.

So that leaves us in the office basically unsupervised. Sure everyone came in thirty minutes late. And everyone wasn't dressed as snappy as usual. It was like the Friday before a holiday and shit wasn't going to get done.

And that's why it's on like Donkey Kong

It started simple and harmless.

I'm getting coffee this morning and Paul one of the younger guys from Transportation comes over, chides me about Baltimore getting their ass handed to them and then proceeds to pick a huge booger out of his nose and plunk it right in my coffee.

I was stunned.

It was like a taser to the nut sack. I was speechless.

Some normal retaliation followed. Paper clips fired from rubber bands, and wet paper towels thrown at each other. Hell Raul even tied Paul's door to James' door across the hall so they pulled against each other keeping them both shut tight. A couple of us got together and all called the receptionist at the same time pretending to be various irate agencies and asking technical questions that we demanded to be answered immediately.

And then the pranks went up a notch

Getty took some pictures from Lito's office of his oldest daughter and photoshopped them up a bit, some of them risqué some of them hilarious. They were posted all over. The reprisal was swift. We soaked Getty's chair with water and when he sat down he attained instant swamp ass. He is now being referred to as "Polly Pissy Pants" as it now looks like he pissed himself.

My absolute favorite by far might have been over the edge.

John got on the inter-office paging system and calmly asked "does anybody here know first aid? It appears that Wally got his penis stuck in a part of the copier and there appears to be some bleeding"

I was on the phone with the FDOT when this happened and tried my best to contain my laughter. I think tomorrow somebody is going to get the shit.

Not me.

Any suggestions?

The day is young!

 

[mustynutz]

was the mid nineties. Before the dot com bubble burst, before the rave scene got played out, before ecstasy was a household drug. The strange thing is that, despite the fact that I was a drug dealer and a valet (the car parking variety) at a strip club, I look back and consider myself still partially innocent at the time. I guess shit really did get gnarlier after that. Oh well, on with the show.

It was a sunny Southern spring evening in one of America's metropolises. I had gone to a club to watch DJ Keoki spin and sell X the night before (I cringe at the thought of appreciating the music of Keoki now, but it was ten years ago). So basically I was really strung out, yet still pretty high, trying not to fuck anything up too bad at work. Which was a place called the Diamond Club. My main responsibility was to park and protect the strippers' and high-rollers' cars. I made over twenty bucks an hour and got to bang a lot of strippers. It was a pretty cool job for a 20 year old rave-kid.

The way it worked was that Gino, the doorman, and I basically were the "welcoming committee" of the club. If you were friendly to the club you got ushered in by us and tended to. If you were just a customer we asked for money for parking and cover, and if you were hostile to the club then we were there to keep shit under control until the manager (a former college football star with a SK assault rifle in his desk – he actually had to pull that shit out a couple times when thug ass coke dealers started getting unruly and waving guns around) could get there to handle shit. Gino was a big-ass weight-lifter guy that sold coke on the side. I sold weed on the side, it worked out awesome.

So this stupid-ass stripper, Tas, that drove a fucking geo metro rolls up, beefy muscular type bitch that never made any money. I kind of felt bad for her in a way, but she was so fucking annoying that I hated her anyway. So at the exact same time as Tas pulled to a stop, Gino was kicking these three Mexicans out for touching one of the strippers, they were belligerently drunk. So I opened the door for Tas and as I was getting in the car one of the Mexicans broke the passenger window with some kind of little piece of metal he had attached to his keychain.

There were four of them, and they took off running in three directions, one went south, two went west, and one went north. Gino took off north, and I took off south. I'm thinking that it was the northern bound runner that was the culprit, but I don't really remember. So I chase the cat down the street, and he turns into a warehouse-storage place and where're running down the corridors of garage-door storage spaces until finally we come to a dead-end. He tries to climb the fence, but slips and falls right as I come up on him. He's on the ground, curled up, ready for me to start going apeshit on him. I would wind up in fights all the time back then. I grew up taking karate (being the white kid in the ghetto will motivate your ass to take some karate) and then in college was an over-emotional drunk. So I would fight. God, I was a dipshit.

So my adrenaline was pumping from the chase, and I was furious about the window (I would definitely be hearing about that for months from the manager). I grabbed his lapel, raised my arm and made a fist, I was about to wail on this poor chump because, well, that's the way the world works. We live in the jungle.

Then something I can only attribute to God, well God and the hits of X I took the night before, happened. Our eyes met and I was overwhelmed with compassion for him. I was unable to hurt him. I let him go and he climbed the fence and ran off. I told Gino he was too fast for me.

***** *****

A couple of weeks later a few friends and I headed up to Raleigh-Durham North Carolina for a monster rave. Ten thousand fucking kids in this huge convention center type building. The music was fucking tight too, Rabbit in the Moon, Josh Wink, Doc Martin, Uberzone. It was officially off the cheese. But it was pretty gnarly in its own right. There were cops walking around constantly busting kids for minor drug possession. The jail was probably full of kids in baggy jeans and crooked visors. And considering I was selling acid, mostly to strangers, more or less out in the open, it was pretty scary.

By maybe Five in the morning I had sold most of my acid and was candy-flipping my ass off. It was time to dance for about five or six hours straight. Yes, I was one of those fools who didn't start dancing until the sun was peeking through the nighttime sky. And it was in the middle of Doc Martin's set, he was playing this mystical, all-healing house music. I was jumping around and having a good old time. And I spun around and accidentally clocked a cop with my elbow. Partytime just ended, I still had about ten hits of acid in my pocket, as well as other things. I wound up crouching down in front of him. He raised his arm and made a fist. Our eyes connected and he was overcome with a sense of compassion for me. He was unable to harm me. He let me go and I walked off. Later on that day I wound up getting crazy fucked up with a bunch of big time rave promoters from all over the country and meeting Rabbit in the Moon. But that's a different story.

 

[CALiLiFE82]

WHO IS BILLY ZANE ???

 

[mustynutz]

Hi my name is sara and I am 17 years old. I am an addict. I started smoking cigs at 13 and then started smoking pot when I was a freshman. I then started taking pills and poping aderal. After that I started smoking meth. I got so bad that I spent $800 dollars in 1 month. I lost 25 pounds and had barely any friends and was in need of help but did not want it. Finally my mom found out and sent my to a treatment facility and since then I have been sober. I go to AA meeting 2 or more times a week. To all of those who want or are using meth I would say it is the worst Idea out there please think twice before trying meth

DURING MY EXPERIENCE WITH SPEED I LOST THIRTY POUNDS, WENT OUT WITH AN ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND, AND DROPPED OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL. IT WAS LIKE MY LIFE WAS A DREAM, NOTHING SEEMED REAL. I WAS INTRODUCED TO SPEED WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD BY A GIRL I KNEW AT HIGHSCHOOL. SHE TOLD ME I COULD LOSE WEIGHT AND BECAUSE OF MY INSATIBLE LONGING TO LOSE WEIGHT I WENT AHEAD AND TRIED IT. AFTER THAT ONE TIME I WAS HOOKED. I FORCED MYSELF TO EAT FAT FREE YOGURT EVRYDAY JUST SO I WOULD HAVE FOOD IN MY SYSTEM. I STARTED TO LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE AND I NEVER SHOWED UP FOR SCHOOL. THE GIRL THAT INTRODUCED ME TO THE DRUG HAD RUINED MY LIFE. I WISH I HAD NEVER MET HER, BUT I HAD AND IT WAS TOO LATE. SPEED IS A VERY ADDICTIVE DRUG AND BECAME I VERY EXPENSIVE HABBIT, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. I PAYED FOR IT VERY DEARLY. ONE DAY WHEN I WAS DITCHING SCHOOL, AS USUAL, I RAN INTO A MAN WHO JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL AND BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM WAS VERY LOW I IGNORED THE FACT THAT HE HAD JUST GOTTON OUT OF JAIL AND THE FACT THAT ON THE SECOND DAY I SAW HIM IT WAS IN MY PARKING GARAGE, WHERE HE STALKING ME FROM. FOR SOME REASON THE SIGNALS JUST WERE NOT THERE. I ENDED UP BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND AND LATER FOUND OUT THAT HE MADE SPEED. DURING THIS TIME PERIOD I WAS STILL INNOCENT MINDED. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY OUT THERE IN THE WORLD, MASKED BY CLOSED DOORS. I NEVER KNEW PEOPLE WHO HAD MURDERED ANYONE OR PEOPLE WHO WERE INNATELY EVIL. WITH MY BOYFRIEND I WAS EXPOSED TO ALL OF THOSE UNWANTED ELEMENTS. I WAS SURROUNDED BY MURDERS AND CRAZY PEOPLE WHO WOULD SIT AROUND THERE HOUSES OR CLUTTERED APARTMENTS SNORTING AND SHOOTING UP SPEED AS THEIR DAILY ACTIVITY. I REGRETED LEAVIBNG HOME AND I WANTED NOTHING MOR THEN TO HAVE NEVER MET THIS GUY OR TO HAVE DONE THIS DRUG. I WAS A REALIST AND I SAW THAT SPEED WAS ULTIMATELY GOING TO BE THE RUIN OF ME IF I DID NOT DO SOMETHING QUICK, EXCEPT NOW I HAD AN ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND, TWICE MY AGE AT MY SIDE WHO WOULD NOT ALLOW ME TO LEAVE. I WAS SCARED. I GOT AW!
AY FROM MY BOYFRIEND WHO IS NOW IN JAIL AND STAYED WITH MY MOM. IT HAS BEEN FIVE YEARS SINCE THOSE DAYS AND I NOW ATTEND A UNIVERISTY, WHICH WILL REMAIN NAMELESS, AND HAVE A PLAN FOR THE FUTURE. MY ONLY ADVICE FRO KIDS THESE DAYS IS TO STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO DO DRUGS. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO DRUGS IN THE HOPE OF ALTERING YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. STAY SHELTERED. PEOPLE IN THE DRUG SCENE ARE CRAZY, THE ONES THAT HAVE MADE IT THEIR LIFE THAT IS. AT LEAST STAY AWAY FROM SPEED, IT DOES NOTHING BUT RUIN YOU. I QUIT COLD TURKEY ONCE I SAW WHAT IT DID TO PEOPLE. MY EX-BOYFRIEND WAS THE WAY HE WAS, ABUSIVE, I BELIEVE BECAUSE OF SPEED. SHOOTING UP SPEED OVER A TIME OF TEN YEARS HAS TRANSFROMED HIM INTO A MONSTER. THE GIRL THAT INTRODUCED ME TO IT PASSED AWAY FRO AIDS A FEW YEARS AGO. I WILL NEVER GO BACK.

am trying to recover from a crack cocaine addiction. My name is Julie, I am 20 years old and live in America. I was living with a crack cocaine dealer for over 8 months... and using about every day of those 8 months. My pocket book is empty, I lost my boyfrined, and all my friends want nothing to do with me. I lost over 30 pounds during my problem... and I lost a lot of self respect. There is a long road ahead for any one who is trying to seek help... but it is possible. Just like a baby learing how to walk, you must crawl first. If I could just make it better and be cured I would not be typeing now. But you have to be willing to take the steps and the journey if you want to survive. Don't let it get too late, like I almost did before you get help. Don't let it get to the point where you have nothing before you realize there is a problem. People are not your friends if all they want is bad for you. Its all a choice... your friends, your hobbies, your life. Are you going to make the right choices... to live or die?


so want to be doing this anonmously but can't be bothered so here goes.
Just over two weeks i went out with a mate after a day feeling really horrible, crying and shit and being told basically that I have no basis for feeling bad cos I'm not a starving child in ethipoia i went out with a friend when I wasn't feeling like going out. I drank like a fish, mixed drinks, shots, and was really happy for a awhile- like i'de dropped a pill, but then BAM my world collapsed. The night (or morning) ended up with me being chased and trying to be held down by a friend and then eventually going home and hacking into my arms with a surgical scaple. I jsut wanted everything to be over, you know? Anyway, at about 4 am i changed my mind (really not sure why and presently not knowing if I'm happy about it) and went & woke up my dad who took me to the ER and spent the day in hospital and lied so that I wouldn't get institutionalised. MY arms are fucked, and I can't show them cos they are horrendous cos I slashed them EVERYWHERE...(so bad that my dad spent 2 days throwing up from seeing them and being stressed).I feel like I just need some space, from my family that is, and I'm too ashamed to call back certian relatives because suicide has played a very dramatic and sad role in their life and this relative has been my most supportive relative...My family don't really want me staying with them, they love me, but can't handle me cos when I'm happy I talk to much and well, most (not all) of my friends don't have the time for me which basically says to me that they are friends- but not friends to be relied on for emotional support etc...I just feel pretty damn alone, and the worst part is that I know, I actually am alone basically, I don't want friends to be comming and seeing me or catching up with me cos they knew what happened and are feeling sorry for me- I just wish I didn't spend so much time feeling so god damn alone. ah. rant rant rant rant empitomy of self pity bla bla ah fuck it

 

[mustynutz]

Many a time have I wanted to beat the shit out of that furry little bastard that always seems to piss me off. Either by taking a nice warm shit on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a clawing device.

In this small file, i'd like to suggest ways to hurt or piss of the little shithead that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're mom thinks it's the nicest fucker alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the fucker get's in your way, whether it be when you're taking a shit and it comes in and watches, or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put a little force into it and BLAM! The fucker goes flying. It's especially nice to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing 360's and crying like a Mexican without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and twirling in the air.

2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't really get to it's tail, you can do shit with it and the cat it defenseless. Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone time it walks, it's tail get's pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk. Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head and his ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be walking around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?). But that's kinda mean.

3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people, you kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use wiskers to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a tight spot, their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something (kind of like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the side). So what do you do? You cut the fuckers wiskers, down to you start getting fur. Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and open the door, oh, about 4 inches. The cat will naturally be fucked and stunned that us humans would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a cat cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering what the fuck....So you just sit there and laugh your ass off. The cat might eventually make it's way out of the closet, but maybe you could, hmmm...Find something else to do to it after that? (grin>

4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is throw the little fuck in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast). And start swinging the fucker around in circles, again and again, the cat will probably crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz when it get's out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and around, faster and faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure out where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow case and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall, believe me). You got to make sure you can see it (cuz you're gonna me almost as dizzy). The fucker will be sitting there, moving it's head in circles, still thinking it spinning. This is the good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's totally high on Catnip or something. You can do anything, it's up to you.

4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and would rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's are funny as hell in water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with water in it that the cat will fit in. Throw the fucker in for a minute or two (unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk about killing them later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is acid or something and yet they still drink water out of the toilet when none is available (these fuckers gotta get their facts straight). After the cat has had enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab around it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool). When a cat get's wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look like giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might persuade you to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..

5 -- Misc. shit....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really) and don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the little see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's in a really tight spot, can't move much at all...If you really want to screw the fucker, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time...The cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have radiation poisioning, which will probably kill it within a month or less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it, depending on the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out, so after a minute, it's intestines and lungs will be a little toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it or leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for 5 minutes...This is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone who did this, and saw it....It was pretty fucking gross, and being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the point, you gotta make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make sure you don't want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started to spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from it's mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures and some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a half minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated and it was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass...At 3 minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest alot of open windows and doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two minutes it the cool part...Now that the fucker is dead (for good reason too) it's time to watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes, the cat started popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets, and the blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and at about 5 minutes, the whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse. Which brings me to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer want to use (not to mention the microwave is probably broken anyway). Just throw the microwave away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.

You're probably saying, how the fuck is he going to write another 996 ways to torture a cat? Well, the answer is, he ain't.

 

[mustynutz]

Paying bills sucks, it's not something that I volunteer to do, so I like to make it fun. Here's a few ideas to try next time you have to pay an overpriced bill.

1) If you're using a check write something fun in the 'memo' or 'for' blank. When I payed the even Qwest their final payment I wrote sons of bitches in the 'for' blank.

2) If you like leaving the bill on the table in restraunts, hide it really well. Like in the napkin despenser.

3) When making night deposits decorate the envelope. Put stickers on it, draw bunnies and rainbows, or just put some goofy shit on it. Then call in later that day and make sure they got your payment, usually they'll remember yours.

4) Here's something you can do with checks for a final payment. Make the check for like 5 cents over, then call in and demand that they refund it to you.

5) In retail stores you can really piss of a clerk by paying for a smell purchase with a check (because usually they have to write your drivers license # on it if it's not local), or with a credit card (its esp. annoying for them if they have a manual credit card machine). Then when you've paid, insist that they wrap it up.

6) I wonder if anyone makes checks with naked chicks on them?

7) Call in a lot to see if they've gotten your payment. Even if you haven't sent it in.

8) Make out the check in spanish or some other foreign language, what can they do about it?

9) I've always wanted to pay for something expensive with rolls of change.

10) Send in your payment with a mysterious yellow stain on it (no, I did not save the best for last).

 

[mustynutz]

http://www.harmreduction.org/idu/ch1.pdf

an entire manual on how to shoot up heroin...wow

 

[mustynutz]

How to fuck with People at KFC

1. If you queue in a register with a really hot girl, request a 'fillet' of breast, but say it like "Can I please have a 'feel-et' of your breast?"

2. Or if you're really game request a look of one of the lovely lady's thighs.

3. FREE MEAL: When the 'Drive Thru' is really crowded, drive up behind another car and when you get to the service counter just point towards the car in front of you and say something like "I'm with them." Sound confident and where applicable and if possible sound MEAN! The order taker should let you drive past into the waiting point between the order window and the collection window... When you reach the collection window the employees will automatically assume your are the next customers and give you the meal which is next in line... Which of course will not be your order but the one of the person behind you. Be prepared to wait and act naturally... Do not demand your meal unless you've been waiting for longer than you would consider fair... When you get your meal, leave... NOW! Don't ya' just love the Colonel's stupidity?

4. ANOTHER FREE MEAL: Approach the manager's register during a rush. And bitch very angrily... Without insulting anyone that you came here (to their shop) last night and order a four-person family meal and the chicken had hair completely through it and that this made you feel sick and you could no longer eat the chicken and had to have sandwiches for dinner... Tell them that you are most dissatisfied with this... If he/she offers to replace that part of the meal (and you feel in control) tell them that you think that they should replace the whole meal as none of it was eaten and went cold. Presto!

5. Complain that the chicken is too fatty or that it has 'brown stuff' all over it.

6. Call them from your home and sound very anxious, say "Uh, uh... Excuse me. I'm uh in your um toilets and I seem to have run out toilet paper here and I'm calling from my mobile so could you please send someone to replace the toilet paper. After they apologise or say "Ok. Yes. We'll send in someone right away." or some shit like that, thank them and hang up.

Ten to fifteen minutes later call them back up (it should be the same person) this time sound quite angered and impatient, say fast "Hi it's me again! I've been waiting in here for 20 minutes for someone just to come in here and give me some goddamn toilet paper and I'm getting really impatient now. Could you please send me in some toilet paper, NOW?" They should sound confused, worried or angry at their worker's, which (if you were in there, they would have replaced the toilet paper) And he/she will say something like "Um... I'm soooo- sorry, I thought I sent someone in their 10 minutes ago to replace the toilet paper." Then you say, much calmer now. "Oh... OK, which KFC location is this?" When they tell you, apologise and say you're at another local KFC and hang up.

7. Approach EACH and EVERY member of the one at a time in private with a note pad and ask them that the "11 Secret Herbs and Spices" are... When they tell you they don't know, tell "Ah, don't give me that." and dismiss whatever they said as bullshit. Then stare at them and wait until they start talking again, when they do say, pen to paper, "Well can you tell me just one of the secreat herbs and spices?" If they answer, thank them and move on... If they don't tell them they're wasting your time and move on.

8. Ask for a 'fried chicken head' when he/she says they don't serve those... Bellow "HOW DARE YOU?! NEVER HAVE I HEARD SUCH DISGUSTING FOWLNESS! GET YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW!" When the manager comes casually order your meal as if nothing happened.

9. Request a discount from a particularly large order. When they decline with some line like "The combo's already are discounted." kindly correct them by telling them that the combo's are not discounted and ask them again.

10. Complain that the 'potato' in the 'potato and gravy 'is not really potato and that the name should be changed to "ARTIFICIAL POTATO and gravy" POST HASTE!

11. Complain that your coleslaw salad is not infact a salad.

12. Bitch LOUDLY that their fries (chips) are not thin enough.

13. Ask if any of their product is Genetically modified, engineered or enhanced in quality IN ANY WAY buy genetic manipulation.

14. Ask how the Colonel died.

15. Order a drumstick and tell the person serving you that they have nice legs.

16. Tell the person serving you that "I Heard that KFC was actually serving rabbit instead of chicken as it was cheaper to buy and better for the environment." Then lean forward and ask them to, "Now, please tell me... How do you make the rabbits grow wings?"

17. Make two chicken legs dance in front of the employee of your choice. Complete with your own mouth-music, give each leg a name, personality and favourite dance.

18. Complain to the manager that they don't have a 'PlayLand'.

19. Ask for a coffee refill.

20. Select the 'hottest' manager... Each time you visit the shop and they're working there, call them and play the "My Neck, My Back, Lick My Pussy And My Crack" song pausing at regular intervals and bringing the receiver to your ear to hear what they say. If they don't answer, ask the person on the line to speak with them with regards to the quality of their food.



1. Walk into any McDonalds (their like chinese ppl>everywhere they shoudnt be) and do the following...

2. Ask the person behind the counter if you can have 1 "Mctesticle Fillet" or one "Mcpenis Fillet".

3. If you want to just piss them off by asking them for a "Mcpizza with extra cheese" or a BK (Burger King) Broiler" This will make them angry and they will say something like "we don't serve that here..." tell them "then go get it for me bitch!" This is so much fun to piss them off and if they fight with you, they get fired!

4. Something really cool to do but make sure you can run away is to walk in to Mc'D's and stand at the counter ready to order...when the person asks if they can serve you or what would you like, scream at the top of your lungs "is that a fat person joke?!?!" then he/she will deny it...next reply to watever they say with "you hate blacks!?!?" and then begin to yell at them more and more starting a riot! This is so much fun.

Something else fun to do is if someone ever honks their horn at you when your walking...just pick up a big rock and simulate a throw! Then pretend to throw it at them but drop it out of your hand(or if you can run then throw it at their windshield). After this...stick up your middle finger and run.

Even better and so hilarious is to get a pathetic little flower from the side of the road or something and rip off all its petals except one and wave it pass cars passing you screaming would you like to buy a flower! And see who stops. If someone does either run like a fat bitch or sell it to them for 1 cent.

When people call you on the phone you should answer like you called them>>so say something like "hey is michael there" or someone else rather than saying the conventional hello. This will confuse whoever is calling.

You have to do this one! Go up to a nun or clergy member and ask them "since Jesus had bread at the last supper, and you serve God, can I have Jesus's bread recipe>>and don't let the person go until they give you a fuking good reason why they don't know Jesus's recipe. Or even funnier...ask a clergy member what Jesus's blood type was! and if they say they don't know then say "and you call yourself a servant of God?" then spit at their shoe and say is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?

 

[mustynutz]

How to fuck wit people at Mickey D's


1-Get a crew together, friends from back in the day, some boys you can trust. Get 3-5, and you can start, if you don't know any local Dons or don't live near anybody. You'll have to pick a Don out of your crew.

2-With the Don, He must appoint a UnderBoss,or Capo Bastone - the one he trusts most shouls fill this position.

3-Now the Don should pick a Consigliere, a verteran criminal is required here, better yet a real made man.

4-The rest will be caporegime, and they'll need to recruit 3-10 men for soldiers in a crew. The capo runs that crew, though he is run by the UnderBoss who is run by the Don.

5-If you meet another family Don who started up like you did from this text file, then unite your familys and elect a Godfather, or Padrone, to look over the Dons.

If your the Godfather over 200 men or more, you could be making millions of dollars a month.

Rules to live by;

1-Respect the Omerta, the vow a Mafioso takes, he musn't tell anyone about his ill dealings, or he should be put to rest.

2-NO DRUGS, Drugs kill ambition, kill men, and kill organizations, not to mention-Drug Dealers get harsh penalties in prison.

3-RESPECT THOSE WHO HAVE CAME BEFORE YOU-Respecting those who came before you is important in two ways. you must hand a cut of the take to your capo, or whomever is directly above you on the Mafia org. Chart. Then, this rules goes hand in hand with the first, by breaking the omerta, you dishonor men who never broke the Omerta, possibly dieing because of it.

4-RESPECT THE LORD YOUR GOD, though he frowns on your ill dealings, he still loves you, and you should love him, Theres only one way out, but what you do now helps God decide where you go after your killed. Ok, those are the basics, now I'll give you a little list of How-to's.

1-Shakedown:

A-Blackmail an important person, local politicians, prominent buisness man, entertainment star, one with much to lose as depends on the public eye. Don't Blackmail average people , they are far more willing to go to the cops.

B-Extortion, pretty simple-make them an offer they can't refuse, or an offer they can refuse but with sever penalties. Sever penalties are only restricted by imagination.

2-Loan Sharking: Lend someone money who needs some, with a ludicrous vig{Intrest rate}, like 20 points{percent} a month or in a small amount, a week.

3-Protection: If someone needs Mafia protection, the person is often willing to pay alot of money to do so. Lok for someone like a gang member or bullied kid to turn a real profit.

4-Gambling: Give people free food, drinks, and maybe even broads, so they will come and gamble against each other, make sure the table{you; the mini casino;the pot} takes 10 points of whats bet, and you'll turn a real profit.

5-Gambling2: Have people bet on Sports games and write their bet down in your books, people may bet the same way or for the other team, but make your profit from taking points from peoples profit and making odds in the favor of underdogs.

If you're lucky you can lie cheat and steal enough for a comfortable lifestyle.

 

[mustynutz]

This text was taken from the book Make 'em Pay by George Hayduke. If you are a truly spiteful person and like revenge this book is for you.

1. Thou shalt not trust, nor confide in, anyone!

If you do, that person could eventually betray you. Even if it is a relative or spouse, don't tell them what you are up to. Implicated accomplices are OK.

2. Thou shalt never use thine own telephone for revenge business!

Always use a public telephone, or an unwitting mark's (target), so calls cannot be traced back to you, or someone who knows you.

3. Thou shalt not touch revenge documents with thy bare hands!

Bare hands leave fingerprints! Wear gloves.

4. Thou shalt become a garbage collector!

Once your victim places his garbage outside his home/office for pickup, it is 100 percent legal for you to pick it up yourself. You can learn about your victim by sifting through his trash. The pros do it all the time.

5. Thou shalt bide thy time before activating a revenge plot!

Give the victim time to forget about you and what he has done to wrong you. Getting even to quickly makes it easier for him to discover who is doing it.

6. Thou shalt secure a "mail drop" address in another city!

You don't want revenge mail being traced back to your residence/town, do you?

7. Thou shalt learn everything there is to learn about thy victim!

The best revenge schemes/plans are hatched by people who now their victim better than their victim does.

8. Thou shalt pay cash all the time in a revenge plot!

Checks, money orders, etc., can be traced back to you. Cash cannot!

9. Thou shalt trade with merchants who have never heard of you!

Do business with people only once when involved in a revenge plot. Possibly wear a disguise so they will have trouble identifying you in a legal confrontation.

10. Thou shalt never threaten thy intended victim!

Why warn your intended victim that you are going to get even? When bad things begin to happen to your victim, whether or not you caused them, your victim will remember your threat, and he'll set out to even the score with you.

 

[mustynutz]

This is first hand knowledge from someone that not only used to work for Target, but was an Assets Protection Team Leader (LP manager) for several stores. Why would I write this article? For starters, I'm tired of reading articles by amateurs, the kind of amateurs that we used to catch all of the time. I have my own personal anarchistic/nihilistic reasons for wanting the company's shrink to go through the roof. First off, a lesson in the Assets Protection structure at Target. Remember, you are responsible for how you use this information. This article is for informational purposes only, if you get caught, that's on you.

The people that stand at the doors are called Target Protection Specialists (TPS). The people in plain clothes that walk the floor and look at cameras are called Assets Protection Specialists (APS). The manager of the AP team at store level is the Assets Protection Team Leader (APTL). There are of course district APTL's and so on up. There are market investigators that investigate organized theft rings (MIT's), and check fraud etc.

Now, some of their policies that you need to know about. The TPS' cannot make apprehensions unless they are directed to do so by an APS or APTL. There are five steps that must be followed in order for an APS/APTL to apprehend a shoplifter:

1- Initiate observation. Must see the individual in an area without the company's merchandise.

2- Selection. Must observe the subject select Target merchandise.

3- Concealment. Must observe the subject conceal Target merchandise. Reasonable doubt can be used. For instance, if you see someone with a cd in their hands, and they turn around, with their back facing you, and when they turn back the merchandise is no longer in their hands.

4- Maintain observation. Must maintain reasonable observation of the individual.

5- Exit/Apprehension. The individual must pass all points of sale, making no attempt to pay for the stolen merchandise.

 

[mustynutz]

Now I need to clarify a few things. Just like there are laws that are broken everyday, so Target AP team members break the rules. Just like our citizens, some AP members bend the rules, some outright break them, and some altruists follow them to a T (they aren't around long though because they don't catch anyone). Most are somewhere in the middle. The first two rules are not important. The 3rd and 4th are critical, particularly the 4th. Let me give you some examples of ways to make your shoplifting experience at Target both enjoyable and profitable:

1: The lone shoplifter. You're alone and want to get some things. Fine. Just don't come in looking like a meth addict that needs a quick fix. Now, Target AP team members are not to discriminate based on age, race, social status (poor) etc....right. Believe that if you want. If you walk into a Target store with trashy, baggy jeans, an antisocial t-shirt, and more hair color than cyndi lauper you will be watched (if someone is working, or paying attention). I'm not saying wear a suit and tie, just ask yourself, "if I was in AP, would I watch me"? Ok, there's a ton of things you can get, let's just say you want a few DVD's. You make a selection (I would suggest no more than three at one time), now make your way to the back of the store. Go somewhere in the back that is not next to anything they would want a camera on (GPS units for instance, probably have a camera on them). Go somewhere in toys, furniture, etc. Make your move quickly and decisively, no need to look around, just be alone on the aisle you conceal on. Even if they see you, you're still in the clear because now I'm about to reveal the holy grail of shoplifter insider trading...AP cannot make apprehensions if you go to the fitting room or the restroom. PERIOD! I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it is VERY rare, and they usually get written up for doing it. So now, you go to the fitting room with a pair of jeans. Go inside for a minute or two. This gives you a chance to make sure that they cannot see a square imprint on your pants. If they see the imprint they might take you! Now, the second holy grail...go to the bathroom. Most likely if you were being watched they would try to "PMR" you. PMR stands for 'Productive Merchandise Recovery', in plain terms they will try to intimidate you into 'dumping' the merchandise. If you see the TPS come in, or a guy in plain clothes with a radio staring at you, they are trying to PMR you. If they were going to apprehend you they would conceal themselves as much as possible (you most likely won't see them). If they are PMR'ing you then you've won the game. Simply smile and leave. Don't worry about the alarm, just keep going. If they stop you make up something like, "you're watching me because I'm FILL IN THE BLANK". Tell them you don't have time for this and keep going. Now, don't do this ALL the time because the team can get permission to make a bathroom/restroom stop from their DAPTL if they show a pattern on an individual, but only in extreme cases.

I recommend shoplifting in groups. The following is almost full-proof (nothing is 100%).

 

[mustynutz]

2- Box Stuffing

Why more people don't do this I will never know. I see idiots walk in and fill up a cart of merchandise and walk out. It's bold and will work often, but if they are watching you're toast. Box stuffing needs at least 2 people, but three works best. The toughest part about this is getting up in the morning! You should start this routine between 8:15 and 11:00 am, the earlier the better. Take a marker, clear packing tape and a box-cutter with you. Get a cart and select whatever you want to lift. Think about what you want and then go to the box size you need. For instance, if you are taking as much electronics merchandise as you can, then you'll need to go to a vacuum aisle. If you just want 10 dvd's, then go to the lamp aisle in furniture. Let's assume you're going for a big load. Go to vacuums. If you have a lookout, great, they will help you stop when a team member or guest (customer) comes near the aisle. Now think SPEED! You will want to open the vacuum (the cheaper the better) on the bottom. You will then begin stuffing as much of the merchandise in the box as possible. If there is tape on the box that has a bullseye,and TARGET on it, that is ok. Once you get all of the merchandise in then seal the box up with the clear tape OVER the Target tape. The cashier won't be able to tell! Now take your marker and mark the box with a small dot (don't use black)near the bottom or on the bottom. Have your accomplice (NOT YOU) come in at least one hour later (no more than 2-3, or else someone else might get your treasure). Tell them to get a cart, go to the vacuum aisle, and look around for a couple of minutes. Make it look like they are shopping, but don't go overboard, a couple of minutes is fine. Find your box by the mark (and the description of the vacuum from the accomplice) and put the vacuum in the cart. When you go to the checkout just go up, smile, and help the cashier by moving the box closer to them so they can scan the vacuum WITHOUT holding the box. Now, if the phone rings, and they ask to check the box you've been caught! But that's ok, they can't apprehend you. If this happens just act like you're in a hurry and leave. You have not committed a crime. As far as the law is concerned, all you did was get a vacuum that had merchandise in it. Make sure the person buying the stuffed box is driving a different vehicle than the person that stuffed it. Later, you can bring the vacuum back with the receipt and return it. Now, if you go to the same store all of the time, eventually a market investigator might get involved. Just don't get greedy and you'll be fine.

3- The bathroom heist (works better for women).

Ok, this only works for small items (cd's, dvd's, etc). You need two people for this. Have a friend (same sex) waiting for you in the car. Arrange for them to go into the store 2 minutes after you. You go in and select whatever you want (make sure the other person can conceal it all, this is why women are better for this because they have purses). The second person will have already entered the store and gone into the restroom. Have them wait in a stall. You go in with the merchandise out in the open. Go into the other stall. Peek down at your friend's shoes to make sure they are next to you. Do not talk! Hand the merchandise over, have them conceal and walk out. You wait two minutes, and then leave. They might try to PMR you, but you don't have anything, so just walk right out. If they apprehend you then you've really hit pay dirt! Don't admit ANYTHING...you did nothing wrong. Tell them you changed your mind and put them down, you don't know where they are at. They will let you go, and you are in the clear. Then call back and complain, you might get a giftcard out of it! There is virtually no chance of getting caught at this game!

As many of you know, there are other ways to go about stealing from Target, but these are almost guaranteed to get you off free! Don't do stupid shit like walk out the fire exit with a cart load of merchandise. Yes, people do it, but they will immediately pull pictures of you entering the store and then distribute those pictures to other store's AP teams. Why bring that kind of attention to yourself? If you know someone that works for Target then you are really in the clear, because it makes box stuffing 10 times easier! Having a cashier pass merchandise works, but is risky. All it takes is for one of the AP members to be watching and your both going to jail. If you guys like this article, let me know, and I will reveal some other secrets! Never admit if you are caught, don't say a word

 

[mustynutz]

Risk Levels:

Each Target store has a risk level between 1 and 4. A 4 is the highest risk, with a 1 being the lowest risk. Risk levels determine how much equipment and payroll AP gets. Want to find out the risk level of your local Target? Simply call the store, and ask to speak with the APTL, if the APTL is not present, ask to speak with the APS. If neither is present then hurry over and grab something! Once you get the APTL/APS on the phone, explain to them that you are the APTL at fill-in-the-blank(just name a store in another state, not one close by...you can get a list of stores on Target.com) and you are working on a project to make sure that all of the stores in the group have performed a site survey in the last year. After the APTL answers, then just ask him what his risk level is. Equipment:

If you are at a SuperTarget, then most likely the store is equipped with a digital recording system over every lane. This means that EVERY transaction is captured on digital recording, and usually has a retention time of 45 days. Searches can be done to look up any transaction. Most risk level 4's have a digital recording system. Many 3's do, with 2's rarely having one, and 1's almost never. ALL SuperTargets have them. Most of the domes are fake, but each store is different.

Payroll:

Risk level 4 stores usually have at least 80 hours (per week) of APS, but can have more depending on the area. 3's have 40-80, 2's have 20-40, and 1's 20-40. Odds are a 1 will only have 20. These are just averages, as each market is different.

Parking:

Before doing anything at Target, make sure you park in the back of the parking lot. All of Target's parking lots are equipped with PTZ's (Pan/Tilt/Zoom cameras) that can read license plates in the parking lots. They can't reach to the back of the lot though. I know the instinct is to get in and out as quick as possible, but if you get away, or they let you go because they missed a step, they can get your plates and begin building a case on you.

 

[mustynutz]

Passing:

This goes for those of you who are current Target team members, or those of you who have friends that are target cashiers at Target. Passing is a great way to get a lot of merchandise, but it must be done carefully. Passing is when a cashier does not scan an item that a guest brings up. The guest leaves without paying for the item. Cashiers: when passing DO NOT void or price change an item. This leaves a paper trail that reports can flag. If the store is equipped with a digital system you have a good chance of getting caught eventually, if not the first time if it is a high dollar void. Do not pass thousands or even several hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise at one time. Find out what the felony limit is in your area, and keep it under that. Do not pass to the same person more than twice a week. If you pass every week to the same person you will eventually get caught. Have the person you are passing to use a credit card to pay. If someone is watching, and they catch you, it is against Target policy to apprehend the guest for passing if they paid with a credit card. Think about it, when you pay with a check or cash, you know exactly how much you are paying. If you pay with a credit card, you can argue that you were just signing the slip, and didn't realize how cheap it was. Cashiers, if you are caught for this, explain that you made a mistake. At the end I will explain in detail what to do if you are caught. The best time to pass merchandise is Monday morning, when the APTL is in the executive meeting. This is not full proof, but if you are going to do it, this is the best way. Also, for the person making the purchase, don't make it obvious that you are waiting for a specific person. This is one of the things the AP team looks for: someone has a cart load of merchandise, and there are 4 lines open. One line has two people waiting, the other 3 don't have anyone waiting, don't be an idiot and stand in your friends line for ten minutes while the other lanes are open. Walk around some until your friends line is open.

Another variation on passing is to have the friend put some high dollar items in a duffel bag. The cashier knows not to check the bag. If you are caught, they will just call the lane and tell the cashier to look inside. Don't make a big deal about it, just leave. They shouldn't apprehend on this, but if they do, explain that you meant to pay for the items, but forgot. Their case is weak and the district attorney probably won't take it (you'll get off).

Push-Out:

I don't recommend this method simply because eventually you will be caught. SuperTargets are much easier to pushout of than regular Targets, in fact, I seriously do not recommend doing a pushout at a regular Target unless the TPS is no-where to be found. But if you are in a bind and need lots of merchandise then I have some pointers to make your chances better. The idea is to get in and out as quickly as possible, without looking like you are trying to get in and out as quickly as possible. The best time to pushout is during busy times, or early in the morning. Dress nice, this is critical when doing a pushout. Don't look like someone who can't afford new shoes, but has a thousand dollars worth of merchandise in their cart. Don't do this late at night, AP is usually there on nights, and if it is slow they will see you. It's simply a game of chance from this point. Either AP is watching soemone else, or they are not there. As you are selecting merchandise, stay out of DVD's and music. The TPS' are there, plus the AP office always has the cameras on electronics. Do what you need to do by getting phones, cd players, GPS units etc, just stay away from the electronics showcase. Once you have what you want, go up front. Now if you are doing this at a Target, you will need to make sure the TPS is either not there or have a friend distract them. Hint: if there was a TPS there when you came in, but he is magically not there now, he is either on break, or the APS/APTL has told him to get the hell out of there because they can tell you are doing a pushout. You may think this is paranoia, but we used to do it all the time, and it is a classic trick of the trade. If the AP staff is good, pushouts are easy to spot from the beginning. I'm not saying it's impossible, in fact, the odds are you'll get away with it, but it's a crap- shoot. Now if the coast is clear (no TPS'), then start to make your move, just when you get to the carpet, turn around quickly and look to see if anyone in plain clothes is looking right at you. If they have been watching you, they will have to come out to make their move on you. If you spot them (someone walking briskly toward's you, with no merchandise or only one article of merchandise), then simply leave your shit. It might be a regular guest, but odds are they had you. Use your instinct on this one. You haven't committed a crime until you have proven that you made no attempt to pay for the merchandise. If someone in red and khaki asks for your receipt, tell them you already paid for it, and keep walking. Only stop if a TPS or plain clothes person asks for your receipt. Don't debate with them, just keep going. Keep reading to see what to do if they approach you in the parking lot.

 

[mustynutz]

Quick Tips:

Do not write stolen checks at Target if the person you stole them from can identify you. Unfortunately there are people stupid enough to do this, don't be one of them. Remember the digital system.

Don't have a modus operandi. If you got away with something on a Monday at 9:00 am, don't come in every Monday and do the same thing at 9:00 am. I recommend coming in every two weeks to ensure they don't start noticing you.

If you keep taking the same thing over and over, it will come up on a report (the counts are updated when the product is no longer available). If it is a high theft item, the APTL may put up a covert camera to see who is cleaning out that item. Be unpredictable.

If you are caught:

I plan on writing an entire article about this in the future, but basically do not admit anything. When I was an APTL, and I interviewed internals (team members) it amazed me that just about everyone I interviewed admitted and signed a statement explaining what they did and why. The only people that get something out of an admission statement is Target. It makes their case stronger, not yours. Don't sign anything, don't admit anything. If you can't afford to get caught (externals only aka shoplifters), when they approach you to apprehend you (usually outside), you can run. It is against Target policy to chase shoplifters. Once you make it to the parking lot, they are supposed to let you go. Don't get in your car and drive off because they will get plates and possibly file with PD. Keep going until you can call a friend to pick you up. Have your friend pick up your car. If they do chase you, they have seriously violated policy and are usually terminated or put on final warning. If they chase you, they will want to not tell anyone. Make sure that the officer who responds knows that you were chased. This is where you drama majors can use your talents. Explain that the security personnel startled you and you began running. Tell them exactly where they caught you. Later, call the store manager and get the district office. Explain that you were apprehended for shoplifting (do not admit, just explain you were apprehended) and that you almost got hit by a car because someone chased you in the parking lot. You will have been caught, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that the person who apprehended you lost their job.

If you want to be safe, have a friend wait outside of the exit you plan to leave (for SuperTargets with multiple exits) in their car with a cell phone. Sometimes AP will have someone wait outside before they make an apprehension. Have your friend look for someone who walks outside in plain clothes, and waits by the exit. They will usually have their radio out so the person on the floor or on cameras can tell them the subject is about to exit. Have your pal call you if they see this, and dump the merchandise.

Women have a better chance at getting away with shoplifting at Target because the female to male ratio is high at Target. If you have a female girlfriend or friend that is willing to lift at Target, they have a better chance of getting away. Read articles on magic bags for women to convert their purses so that the tags don't go off.

Disclaimer: these are just tips that I have because of my experience. If you decide to shoplift at Target, that is your decision, I do not encourage people to shoplift at Target because their security is better than most retailers. I have provided these articles for informational purposes only. This article is for information and for people who are going to shoplift at Target regardless of what they read. I am in no way encouraging this behavior. If you get caught, that is part of the risk, nothing is full proof.

 

[mustynutz]

.....

 

[CALiLiFE82]

DAMN .... ONE OF MY HOMIES JUST GOT FIRED FROM TARGET EARLIER LAST WEEK ...... BUT HE'D BEEN TAKIN' ALL KINDS OF SHIT FOR LIKE 5 MONTHS.