Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
address, telephone number, date of birth, social security
number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message
after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please
wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
address, telephone number, date of birth, social security
number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message
after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please
wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons.
