Women love my roommate Ralph.
Ralph is a smooth talker. He knows exactly what women love to hear, which, to me, is a complete mystery. It also doesn't hurt him that he looks astonishingly like Billy Dee Williams, only with more muscle. And he's got a huge wang.
This is why my friend Ralph is the Pussy King. This is his story, and also the story of how almost our entire apartment complex came down with gonorrhea.
***
Ralph had been my roommate for about five months. I was in a low-paying job and a high-rent apartment, so I asked Ralph, who was my coworker and best friend, if he wanted to live with me. The deal worked out nicely; the rent was split in half, he took out garbage and did dishes, and I cooked and kept the place tidy. It was never spoken but always understood that our rooms were our own private areas, and permission was needed to enter the other's domicile. Again, this was a nice deal for both of us.
And in spite of the fact that Ralph got laid often and I never do, it was a great friendship. Of course, saying that Ralph got laid often is a complete understatement.
Let me put it to you this way, friends: If pussy was Mecca, Ralph was making the pilgrimmage about four times a week.
Ralph and I frequented the bars only a few blocks away from our apartment. We'd go down for a brewsky or a martini after dinner most days, and I, being the homely man that I am, would be his wingman, and jump on the fat grenade for him while he would distract and verbally seduce his prey. It was, again, another fine example of how our friendship worked out.
One particular evening, Ralph had met a girl named Julie. Julie was incredibly hot, but in the short conversations I had had with her that night at the bar, she didn't seem like she was the sharpest knife in the drawer. I mentioned this to Ralph, and he but shrugged his shoulders. "As long as she wants to fuck she's alright by me." This was typical of him.
I became tired quickly that evening.
"Hey, I think I'm going to head on home," I told him.
"Why? The party is just beginning!" He winked at Julie, and continued drinking his Jack and Coke.
"Eh, I'm tired. Work wore me out today, so I'm gonna go back. I'll leave the keys in the mailbox for you." I waved goodbye, and headed back to the apartment.
A mere four hours later, while I was laying in bed, I heard Ralph enter. I looked at my clock. It was already half past midnight, which was still early for him. I could hear some muffled voices, and figured that he had brought Julie home with him. Wearily, I rolled over to get back to sleep.
My eyes weren't shut for more than seven minutes or so when they began to fuck. Apartment walls are normally pretty thin, especially bedroom to bedroom. Not only was the bed creaking, but Julie was by far the loudest person on the planet Earth during sex. Screaming. Moaning. Yelling. Loud, loud dirty talk. I wrapped the pillow over my ears and tried getting back to bed.
My alarm went off at 7 am. Because of the fiasco the night before, I only ended up sleeping about three hours. I headed to the bathroom for my morning shower and shave, and noticed dark circles underlining my bloodshot eyes. I was tired. I was cranky. And both Ralph and I had to go to work in about an hour. I hurried with my morning routine, and knocked on Ralph's door.
"Buddy, you awake? We've got to be at work in thirty minutes."
Ralph rolled over. Julie was still here...strange. Normally he kicked his guests out at a quarter to three, with the obligatory taxi fare, too. "No, I'm not going in today."
"Not going in? What the fuck, Ralph?"
"I already called in sick." He pointed to Julie, who was still asleep, apparently wore out from her adventures with my friend. "So did she. Get it?" He smiled from ear to ear. "I'll see you when you get back."
I rolled my eyes, shut his bedroom door, and headed off for work.
I came home that evening from work, beyond exhausted, and opened the front door. Ralph was lying on the couch, half covered by a sheet but still naked. I grinned a little, and entered. I could already tell it was going to be a good story.
"It smells like sex in here," I said to him.
Ralph had a strange look in his eyes. "Dude."
"What?" I asked.
"Fuckin', check it out." He pointed to the corner of the living room, and that's when I noticed it. My video camera was set up on it's tripod, pointing directly at the couch.
"No FUCKING way! No fucking way! How?!"
"She was a fucking beast, I'm telling you. After you left for work, we both went to shower, but ended up fucking more in the bathroom. We finished, took our shower, and fucked more in the shower. After that, we came back into my room to dry off, and fucked some more. After THAT, we went to the kitchen, because we were both starving..."
"You fucked in the kitchen?!"
"Yep. On the counter," he replied. "And on the table, above the sink, on the floor, in here, out on the back balcony..."
"On the balcony? The fucking balcony?!" I was impressed.
"Uh-huh. Then we fucked in your room, and that's where she saw the camera. She wanted to film it, so I agreed."
"You know, normally I would be pissed off because you went into my bedroom, but since you got some video I'll let it slide this time. Lemme see!" Curiosity and excitement filled me while Ralph pushed play on the remote.
For three hours, we watched Julie getting rammed, boned, poked, prodded, sucked, fucked, and fondled. It was a cinematic masterpiece.
Over the course of the next few days, Ralph became somewhat despondent. After not going out to the bars for five days, I became concerned.
"What's up?" I inquired.
"Nothing."
"Okay, c'mon. Don't give me that bullshit. What's going on? Is this about the videotape?"
"No."
"Then what is it?"
Ralph looked up at me, almost ready to cry, it seemed.
"It burns when I piss."
Any normal friend would have comforted Ralph. But since I was no ordinary friend, I laughed out loud at his plight.
"Haha! I KNEW it was going to happen someday. I'm sorry man, but this is one of the reasons I like being ugly."
"Well, thanks for the support. I already made an appointment with the doctor, so I'm going in tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's the Clap."
"Yeah, if you've got a discharge too, then it's probably 100%." I snickered. "Dude, you shoulda wrapped it."
I could tell Ralph was getting angry. "Hey, did -I- make fun of you when you got crabs from that one broad?"
"Actually, yes you did. Remember all the "Crustacean Man" comments? And "Lobster Boy"? Yeah, you made fun of me."
"Oh...well, this is serious! I can't deal with this." He was indeed pained.
"Don't worry, the doc'll fix you right up."
The next day, Ralph seemed worse. He had been to the doctor, and indeed was diagnosed with gonorrhea. They gave him some antibiotics and said it would go away in a few days.
"Okay, what's wrong now?"
"A couple of other things came up."
I became concerned at this point. After all, this is the age of HIV. "What? What? Anything else show up on the test?"
"No, I'm fine. I tested negative on everything except for the clap, so I got lucky."
"Okay, so, what's the big deal?"
"Because I had sex with Stacy a couple days ago."
My jaw dropped. It was well known in our apartment complex that Stacy was a big time hoe. Her boyfriend Todd was a complete dickhead to her, so to get back at him, she had been with everyone in pretty much the entire complex, myself excluded. At the moment, though, she was fucking Ralph and a guy a few floors down, Danny.
"So, you gave it to Stacy?" I asked.
"Yeah, but that's not all." He looked troubled.
"Well, okay, she's probably given it to Todd and Danny. You should probably tell them."
"I already talked to Stacy and told her what's up. Needless to say, she's pissed."
I nodded in agreement. "Well, I would be too."
"Okay, that aside, she told ME that she was not only with Danny and Todd and myself, but also with Mr. Peterson, upstairs..."
"Good God!" I cried out. "That guy's, like, 200 years old! What the fuck?!"
"So he's got it too. Now here is where the fucked up part comes in. You know that Filipino maid that comes over once a week?"
"No..." I drawled.
"Yep. Her too, probably. Which is pretty bad since she also cleans up the landlord's apartment."
"Get the fuck out! Seriously?!"
"On top of that, I overheard Ms. Jenkins next door talking about how good Danny was in bed." Ms. Jenkins was bi.
"Jesus! So she's got it." It was turning from a horrifying story to an amazing one.
He nodded again. "So, basically, everyone here has gonorrhea, except you."
I laughed out loud at Ralph, and started to applaud. "Get it, Ralph? I'm...CLAP-ing for you! Ahahaha!"
Ralph only let out a sigh, popped an antibiotic, and walked into his room.
I learned some valuable lessons from that experience.
Never take home a hot girl named Julie...
Wrap your stump before you hump...
Don't fuck anyone in your apartment complex...
...and sometimes, it pays to be ugly.
But at least we've got a good video now
Ralph is a smooth talker. He knows exactly what women love to hear, which, to me, is a complete mystery. It also doesn't hurt him that he looks astonishingly like Billy Dee Williams, only with more muscle. And he's got a huge wang.
This is why my friend Ralph is the Pussy King. This is his story, and also the story of how almost our entire apartment complex came down with gonorrhea.
***
Ralph had been my roommate for about five months. I was in a low-paying job and a high-rent apartment, so I asked Ralph, who was my coworker and best friend, if he wanted to live with me. The deal worked out nicely; the rent was split in half, he took out garbage and did dishes, and I cooked and kept the place tidy. It was never spoken but always understood that our rooms were our own private areas, and permission was needed to enter the other's domicile. Again, this was a nice deal for both of us.
And in spite of the fact that Ralph got laid often and I never do, it was a great friendship. Of course, saying that Ralph got laid often is a complete understatement.
Let me put it to you this way, friends: If pussy was Mecca, Ralph was making the pilgrimmage about four times a week.
Ralph and I frequented the bars only a few blocks away from our apartment. We'd go down for a brewsky or a martini after dinner most days, and I, being the homely man that I am, would be his wingman, and jump on the fat grenade for him while he would distract and verbally seduce his prey. It was, again, another fine example of how our friendship worked out.
One particular evening, Ralph had met a girl named Julie. Julie was incredibly hot, but in the short conversations I had had with her that night at the bar, she didn't seem like she was the sharpest knife in the drawer. I mentioned this to Ralph, and he but shrugged his shoulders. "As long as she wants to fuck she's alright by me." This was typical of him.
I became tired quickly that evening.
"Hey, I think I'm going to head on home," I told him.
"Why? The party is just beginning!" He winked at Julie, and continued drinking his Jack and Coke.
"Eh, I'm tired. Work wore me out today, so I'm gonna go back. I'll leave the keys in the mailbox for you." I waved goodbye, and headed back to the apartment.
A mere four hours later, while I was laying in bed, I heard Ralph enter. I looked at my clock. It was already half past midnight, which was still early for him. I could hear some muffled voices, and figured that he had brought Julie home with him. Wearily, I rolled over to get back to sleep.
My eyes weren't shut for more than seven minutes or so when they began to fuck. Apartment walls are normally pretty thin, especially bedroom to bedroom. Not only was the bed creaking, but Julie was by far the loudest person on the planet Earth during sex. Screaming. Moaning. Yelling. Loud, loud dirty talk. I wrapped the pillow over my ears and tried getting back to bed.
My alarm went off at 7 am. Because of the fiasco the night before, I only ended up sleeping about three hours. I headed to the bathroom for my morning shower and shave, and noticed dark circles underlining my bloodshot eyes. I was tired. I was cranky. And both Ralph and I had to go to work in about an hour. I hurried with my morning routine, and knocked on Ralph's door.
"Buddy, you awake? We've got to be at work in thirty minutes."
Ralph rolled over. Julie was still here...strange. Normally he kicked his guests out at a quarter to three, with the obligatory taxi fare, too. "No, I'm not going in today."
"Not going in? What the fuck, Ralph?"
"I already called in sick." He pointed to Julie, who was still asleep, apparently wore out from her adventures with my friend. "So did she. Get it?" He smiled from ear to ear. "I'll see you when you get back."
I rolled my eyes, shut his bedroom door, and headed off for work.
I came home that evening from work, beyond exhausted, and opened the front door. Ralph was lying on the couch, half covered by a sheet but still naked. I grinned a little, and entered. I could already tell it was going to be a good story.
"It smells like sex in here," I said to him.
Ralph had a strange look in his eyes. "Dude."
"What?" I asked.
"Fuckin', check it out." He pointed to the corner of the living room, and that's when I noticed it. My video camera was set up on it's tripod, pointing directly at the couch.
"No FUCKING way! No fucking way! How?!"
"She was a fucking beast, I'm telling you. After you left for work, we both went to shower, but ended up fucking more in the bathroom. We finished, took our shower, and fucked more in the shower. After that, we came back into my room to dry off, and fucked some more. After THAT, we went to the kitchen, because we were both starving..."
"You fucked in the kitchen?!"
"Yep. On the counter," he replied. "And on the table, above the sink, on the floor, in here, out on the back balcony..."
"On the balcony? The fucking balcony?!" I was impressed.
"Uh-huh. Then we fucked in your room, and that's where she saw the camera. She wanted to film it, so I agreed."
"You know, normally I would be pissed off because you went into my bedroom, but since you got some video I'll let it slide this time. Lemme see!" Curiosity and excitement filled me while Ralph pushed play on the remote.
For three hours, we watched Julie getting rammed, boned, poked, prodded, sucked, fucked, and fondled. It was a cinematic masterpiece.
Over the course of the next few days, Ralph became somewhat despondent. After not going out to the bars for five days, I became concerned.
"What's up?" I inquired.
"Nothing."
"Okay, c'mon. Don't give me that bullshit. What's going on? Is this about the videotape?"
"No."
"Then what is it?"
Ralph looked up at me, almost ready to cry, it seemed.
"It burns when I piss."
Any normal friend would have comforted Ralph. But since I was no ordinary friend, I laughed out loud at his plight.
"Haha! I KNEW it was going to happen someday. I'm sorry man, but this is one of the reasons I like being ugly."
"Well, thanks for the support. I already made an appointment with the doctor, so I'm going in tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's the Clap."
"Yeah, if you've got a discharge too, then it's probably 100%." I snickered. "Dude, you shoulda wrapped it."
I could tell Ralph was getting angry. "Hey, did -I- make fun of you when you got crabs from that one broad?"
"Actually, yes you did. Remember all the "Crustacean Man" comments? And "Lobster Boy"? Yeah, you made fun of me."
"Oh...well, this is serious! I can't deal with this." He was indeed pained.
"Don't worry, the doc'll fix you right up."
The next day, Ralph seemed worse. He had been to the doctor, and indeed was diagnosed with gonorrhea. They gave him some antibiotics and said it would go away in a few days.
"Okay, what's wrong now?"
"A couple of other things came up."
I became concerned at this point. After all, this is the age of HIV. "What? What? Anything else show up on the test?"
"No, I'm fine. I tested negative on everything except for the clap, so I got lucky."
"Okay, so, what's the big deal?"
"Because I had sex with Stacy a couple days ago."
My jaw dropped. It was well known in our apartment complex that Stacy was a big time hoe. Her boyfriend Todd was a complete dickhead to her, so to get back at him, she had been with everyone in pretty much the entire complex, myself excluded. At the moment, though, she was fucking Ralph and a guy a few floors down, Danny.
"So, you gave it to Stacy?" I asked.
"Yeah, but that's not all." He looked troubled.
"Well, okay, she's probably given it to Todd and Danny. You should probably tell them."
"I already talked to Stacy and told her what's up. Needless to say, she's pissed."
I nodded in agreement. "Well, I would be too."
"Okay, that aside, she told ME that she was not only with Danny and Todd and myself, but also with Mr. Peterson, upstairs..."
"Good God!" I cried out. "That guy's, like, 200 years old! What the fuck?!"
"So he's got it too. Now here is where the fucked up part comes in. You know that Filipino maid that comes over once a week?"
"No..." I drawled.
"Yep. Her too, probably. Which is pretty bad since she also cleans up the landlord's apartment."
"Get the fuck out! Seriously?!"
"On top of that, I overheard Ms. Jenkins next door talking about how good Danny was in bed." Ms. Jenkins was bi.
"Jesus! So she's got it." It was turning from a horrifying story to an amazing one.
He nodded again. "So, basically, everyone here has gonorrhea, except you."
I laughed out loud at Ralph, and started to applaud. "Get it, Ralph? I'm...CLAP-ing for you! Ahahaha!"
Ralph only let out a sigh, popped an antibiotic, and walked into his room.
I learned some valuable lessons from that experience.
Never take home a hot girl named Julie...
Wrap your stump before you hump...
Don't fuck anyone in your apartment complex...
...and sometimes, it pays to be ugly.
But at least we've got a good video now
