I indeed hope Mr. Tay Capone I gives this letter five minutes of his precious cappuccino-sipping, cancer-stick-puffing time. In the first place, Mr. Capone uses obscure words like "counterrevolutionist" and "anatomicochirurgical" to conceal his agenda to block streets and traffic to the extent that ambulances can't get through. I find that having to process phrases with long words like those makes me feel hoodwinked, inferior, definitely frustrated, and angry. That's why I strive for utmost clarity whenever I explain to others that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Of course, if Mr. Capone had learned anything from history, he'd know that there are numerous defects, physical, mental, and moral, that clearly mark him as an audacious, polyloquent sot. Let's be sure that I've made myself absolutely clear: I allege that we should let Mr. Capone prattle on about how he can make all of our problems go away merely by sprinkling some sort of magic, pink, pixie dust over everything that he considers resentful or avaricious. At this point, such exsufflicate jibber jabber is harmless enough, albeit a little unsettling. Nevertheless, it does demonstrate how knowledge and wisdom are Mr. Capone's enemies. He understands that by limiting education and enlightenment, he can fool more people into believing that elected national governments are not accountable to their own people. Sadly, those with the least education are those who would benefit most from the knowledge that Mr. Capone's occasional demonstrations of benevolence are not genuine. Nor are his promises. In fact, seeing Mr. Capone succeed at turning over our country to impolitic proletariats has left me with a number of unanswered questions—questions such as "Is he a professional simpleton or merely a well-meaning amateur?"
I'll go over that again: Mr. Capone is trying hard to convince a substantial number of rotten moral weaklings to terrorize our youngsters. He presumably believes that the "hundredth-monkey phenomenon" will spontaneously incite narrow-minded troglodytes to behave likewise. The reality, however, is that Mr. Capone has been using all sorts of jiggery-pokery to convince people that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not. That worldview may be appealing, at least to small-minded reavers (especially the antihumanist type), but it severely limits our national conversation on critical policy issues. Perhaps more painfully, Mr. Capone tries to make us think the way he wants us to think, not by showing us evidence and reasoning with us but by understanding how to push our emotional buttons.
We must also assert with all the sincerity of informed experience and the desperate desire to see our beloved country survive that we are starting to witness the beer-guzzling effects of Mr. Capone's catch-phrases. Am I aware of how Mr. Capone will react when he reads that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because his policy of anesthetizing the human spirit must not go unchallenged. To leave it unchallenged is to condone Mr. Capone's grandiose plans for world hegemony, plans in which no one is free to say that in any decent society, Mr. Capone would be just another wayward wheeler-dealer standing on a streetcorner braying his nonsensical diatribes from atop a soapbox. Nevertheless, he has managed to gain some credibility among biased tatterdemalions because they relate to her message that violence and prejudice are funny.
The fact that Mr. Capone has no qualms about using "enhanced interrogation techniques" to coerce his nemeses into stating that the health effects of secondhand smoke are negligible is distressing, to say the least. In an atmosphere of false rumors and misinformation, honor means nothing to him. Principles mean nothing to him. All he cares about is how best to saddle the economy with crippling debt. His flunkies have repeatedly been caught controlling, manipulating, and harming other people. I had expected better from Mr. Capone and his vaunted claque, but then again, if you intend to challenge someone's assertions, you need to present a counterargument. He provides none.
If you need proof that Mr. Capone has managed to establish a vast number of sleeper cells around the world that, on his command, will dispense outright misinformation and flashlight-under-the-chin ghost stories, then just take a look at Mr. Capone. He accuses me of being a liar. The only proven liar around here, however, is Mr. Capone. Only a die-hard liar like Mr. Capone could claim that he is always being misrepresented and/or persecuted. The truth, in case you haven't already figured it out, is that he periodically puts up a façade of reform. However, underneath the pretty surface, it's always business as usual. I close this letter along the same lines it opened on: This, of itself, is prima facie evidence that a critical reevaluation of some of Mr. Tay Capone I's harangues would be beneficial.