some lil verses...let me get some feedback

[CHRISHOGGALYPSE]

Let me know what you did or didn't like out of these verses. Keep the unecessary hating to a minimum, thanks

You should always look both ways before you cross the street
Because that bitch is always watching, and she’s constantly in heat
and inside of me, I have my guilty conscious steady fighting me
I’m of the hogg variety, the last of a dying breed

Victim of society? Because my parents lied to me?
That doesn’t entitle me, to break the laws they still apply to me
It’s good versus evil but my people want a dynasty
I’m thinking of finer things and why Christ died for me?

I should be in Sunday service instead of accessory to murder
I can’t take it any further, but one foot is in the cooker
And one hand is on the burner, one man in front of jurors
I could live a normal life, or chance that 25 to dirt

Is it worth my freedom? I guess I’ll ask the Lord when I meet him
Should’ve never tried to cheat him, for the blessings I’m receiving
It’s in my nature to be greedy, repeating sinful things I’m needing
To be forgiven so I can see him cause I can’t change alone while I’m breathing
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I AIN’T PICKIN HER BRAINS TO SEE HOW SMART SHE IS
I BE DICKIN HER BRAINS JUST TO SEE HOW LONG SHE’LL GIVE
I’M ON THE BITCH, LIKE THE FUR ON AN OTTER DICK
CHRISHOGGALYPSE, SOUNDS LIKE I’M ON A FARM AND SHIT
APOCALYPSE,THE END IS NEAR, AND I’M APART OF IT
CHRISPOCALYPSE, WAS IT REALLY ALL THAT HARD TO GET?
THE FATHER FIGG, TREATING MC’S LIKE A DAUGHTER BITCH
I AUTHOR SCRIPT, AND LEAVE YOU SMILING LIKE I’M A PHARMACIST
I’M STEADY BURNIN UP THE MIC LIKE I’M AN ARSONIST
LEAVE THE AUDIENCE SHOCKED WITH NOTHIN LEFT BUT A DARKENED FIST
YOU MIGHT, THINK THAT I’M WEAK, BUT BOY I’M FAR FROM IT
AND WHEN I FIGHT, I’LL SURPRISE YOU LIKE A TARVER HIT
WITH YO BACK ON THE MAT, SEEING STARS AND SHIT
THINKIN, WHAT WAS THAT? LIKE A STARTLED KID
YOU AIN’T, BETTER THAN ME, FUCK THE RETARDED SHIT
BUT IF YOU GOT SOMETHIN BETTER, WHERE’S YOUR ARGUMENT

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this isn't EVER going on wax, but just some random rhymes here....

HOW DID I GET TO THE POINT, WHERE MY FUTURE WIFE COULDN’T STAND ME?
I NEVER GUESSED THAT THIS SIDE OF THE COIN, COULD BE SO AT HOME WITH IT’S LANDING
ALL THIS UTTER CONFUSION, I FIND MYSELF ALWAYS ASKING
QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS, GETS MYSELF NOT A DAMN THING
A LIFE WITHOUT LIVING IS LIKE GIVING HUGS TO CACTUS
I’M IN PAIN ON THE DAILY, LIKE A STUNT DOUBLE ACTRESS
OR LIKE I SLEEP EVERY NIGHT, ON A RAZOR BLADE MATRESS
THIS STRAIN ON MY BRAIN MAKES ME ANXIOUSLY MAD IT’S
THE SCOWL ON MY FACE, AND THE ANGER THAT GRABS ME
IT’S THE FOUL IN THE GAME, AND THE RAIN ON MY TAXI
THE PROFOUND CAUSE OF PAIN, I CAN’T EXPLAIN ALL THE BAD THINGS
I’VE PAID ALL MY DUES, WITH A LITTLE LEFT AFTER TAXES
AND I’VE MADE ALL MY MOVES, BUT I’M DOOMED TO BE PAST TENSE
LIKE A SCREW THROUGH THE MOON, I NEED A NEW STAINLESS AXIS
BEFORE I SPIN OUT OF VIEW, WITHOUT A CLUE TOWARDS MY ACCESS
MY INNER FUEDS ARE ON DISPLAY, BUT HOW DID YOU GET THE PASSES

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[tadou]

The only thing i can say is, when you try to keep your rhyme schemes going, you're making everything sound too forced --- "FARM AND SHIT", "APART OF IT", "HARD TO GET?", "DAUGHTER BITCH", "PHARMACIST", "DARKENED FIST", etc.

Those 3 syllable patterns can really be a trap, so if you're going to do that, make sure you throw some 4's and 5's in there too: "...Pharmacist/I dont want to be a part-of-this-shit/...daughter, bitch/you actin bad, but you honestly-a-bitch".....etc.

Thats that next level shit right there. You're close....just need to work on the syllable structure.

 

[CHRISHOGGALYPSE]

thanks for the feedback. If you've seen some of my verses that are done, you'd see that I pretty much have my flow down. I unlike most people who write/rap, actually come up with a rough draft first, then come back and finish it up and change shit. Pretty much all of this I sat down and wrote til it was done, and I'll come back to it later. Thanks for the feedback

 

[tadou]

I'm sure you do have your flow down, but it is juvenile. Listen to Camron "S.D.E.", then listen to the Diplomats last album, and you will see what i mean. 4 years ago, Cam was rhyming like you are now, the multi-syllable balanced style...he's moved on to bigger and better shit. So have many other rappers. Others, like Jadakiss, stay relatively the same.

Think of writing raps as being like karate, and your favorite stance is the flying tiger stance. Now, you can either fuck with that one stance for the rest of your life...move onto another stance....or THOROUGHLY UNDERSTAND all the stances and how to freely switch between them.

Baby, Juvenile, BG, C-Bo, Yukmouth, Nelly--you name the rapper, and they have went from their original style, to the 'flying tiger' style. I'm not just throwing you bones here, I am telling you how to separate yourself from the 75,000 other rappers who use the style you are using right now.


Feedback..."the verses are cool".....indeed, if only i was capable of keeping my replies to 4 words and nothing else. My life would be a whole lot easier