some jokes for yall.....

[caff]

Confused

There was this Native American boy who was
confused so this is what he asked his mother:
Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?

She answered: Because he was conceived during
a wind storm.

Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine? She
answered again: Because she was conceived when
the moon was shining.

The poor little boy looked sad and confused.

His mother said, ''Why are you so sad and confused
Brokenrubber?''

____________________________

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[caff]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

___________________________________

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

___________________________________

the the original thread that this was in didnt get any response here u go again....

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[caff]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

 

[caff]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

 

[caff]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."



-------------------------------------------------------------

300 people die in a bus crash...it just so happen they all were ugly as hell...the elephant man lookin types
they get to the gates of Heaven and God says " since you all have died horrible deaths i'll grant you one wish before you enter"
so the first man inline says "i wanna be handsome" God makes him handsome the lady next inline says i wish to be beautiful God makes here beautiful
everybody else starts wishin the samethin...and the last man inline starts laughin
by the time its his turn he is damn never hysterical with laughther GOD asks him whats so funny he says nothin
so GOD says well then what do you wish
the man says "i wish all them muthafuckas that were just in front of me to be ugly again"

 

[caff]

a man walks into a pet shop...the man behind the counter says "i got somethin really special in the back...its a parrot that talks with no wings or ft"
the man says "well how does it sit on the perch?"...the man says "he has a 12 in penis he wraps around the bar to sit up there"
not believin it the man walks into the back and sur enough there was a talkin parrot no wings/ft and a 12in penis
so the man bought it home his wife and kids loved it
one day the man came home from work and the parrot told him he had to tell him somethin
he said "earlier today your wife was on the couch with your beat friend...they started kickin and grindin on each other...he took off her shirt and was suckin her nipples...then she pulled off his pants and started rubbin his nuts"
the man says "OMG what happen after that?"...the parrot says " i dunno my dick got hard and i fell off the perch"

hahahahahaa...give the boah a joke forum

-------------------

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

The little boy goes back and plays on the beach.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

The little boy goes back and plays on the beach.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, 'Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
__________________

 

[caff]

The nun, the hippy and the bus driver


A nun and a hippy were on a bus together, when the hippy asks the nun 'do u want to have sex with me'. The nun, is very shocked and taken aback and replys 'Certainly not! its against all my vows'. The nun then gets off the bus, leaving the hippy disappointed.

A little while later, the hippy gets off the bus, but before he goes, the bus driver calls him back and says, 'hey, i know that the nun always goes to the churchyard every night and prays at midnight. if you dress as jesus, she will have sex with you'. So, the hippy trys this.

He goes the churchyard dressed as jesus and there the nun is, like the busdriver said. He walks up the nun and says 'hello, i am jesus, would you like to have sex with me?' The nun says 'Ok, but could you make it anal, cos i'd like to keep my virginity'. The hippy agrees, and they have sex.

The hippy then tears off his clothes and says 'HA! IM THE HIPPY!' The nun then tears off her clothes and says 'HA! IM THE BUSDRIVER!'

-----------------------

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eyes. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on.

"On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 500 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his meat and ass.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
___________________________________ _

two blonde genies

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and then begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

 

[D'struction]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

haha!

 

[kayvee]

hahaha good thread

~k.

 

[M BUTCHER 206]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

lmao

 

[Codeine]

Good Shit........

 

[kayvee]

here's some for my latinos...

the chicana and the genie:

A Chicana was walking along the bank of the Rio Grande when she
stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed
it and a Genie appeared.

The Genie told her he would grant her ONE weesh. She said to the Genie, "I heard from my Prima that I could get THREE weeshes if I ever found a Genie". The Genie said, "Oh no! Sorry Esa. THREE- weesh Genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-weesh Genie. Uno, no mas! So, que tu quieres?"

The lady didn't hestitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eash other and I want all the Arabs, you know, the vatos that have the toallas on their heads, to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in that botella for five hundred years. Oye, I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done, please make another weesh!"

The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never bean able to find the right hombre. I want a Chicano boyfriend. Ju know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is nice y funny, likes to Cumbia & Ranchera, and helps con cleaning la casa. One that doesn't have a big ol' panza, I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. Yes, that's what I weesh for, a good Chicano man!"

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza and said, "Chingada
Vieja! Let me see that pinche map again."

only a mexican wife... :

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only
hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales
more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales.

With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife, Chita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: "Leave them alone, pendejo!"

"...They're for the funeral!"

~k.