I think all of us find in the course of our lives that that one person comes along that make us hornier than anyone. Commonly referred to as the 'soul mate', this person becomes in most cases the one we fuck on a regular basis; that is if we disregard those meaningless times with those random people we pick up at bars and at Subway restaurants - they were conveniently forgettable and their pussies were too loose anyway. No, my friends, I am talking about TRUE love. The kind of love that never dies....unless they really deserve it.
The following is a guide on how to get rid of those annoying little details (new boyfriends) that emerge when your true love tries in vain to leave you....The following steps are ways to punk dat little bitch out while at the same time making her realize that she's is indeed the dumb-ass bitch you always told her she was....
STEP 1. Threaten him physically.
Nothing makes girls realize what a fool they've been more than showing them that you are willing to kick ass (or get your ass kicked) for them. Not to mention the fact that they love drama...(why do you think they watch those boring-ass soaps - because it makes them cleaner??? NO!!!) Imagine how much more they'll love it knowing that the drama is REAL and it is about them!
2. Threaten his intelligence.
Show your ex what a complete and utter bitch she was to you by systematically pointing out all the cereberal flaws of her new beau. YOU know he's an idiot...(he is with her after all)...now it's time for her to know it!!! Challenge him to a friendly game of russian roulette and let him go first. If he accepts he is a indeed a dumbass, and you should not miss the opportunity to point this out in front of as many people as possible. If he does not accept, just shoot him (see section 1). NOTE: If gun jams at this point there is no need to panic...just challenge him to the ULTIMATE test of intellectual skill and cunning.....TWISTER!
3. Threaten his livelihood.
Nothing will make that fucking cunt whore of an ex of yours sweat more than showing her what a loser she's involved with. And what better way to do that than plant a bomb in his car and call in a threat while he's at work. Then when the bomb sqad comes to do the routine sweep of the perimeter they can't help but notice how this Al-Queida-linked terrorist fucker has an arsenal of volatile substances in his possession. She'll have no choice but to come crawling back to you when everyone else shuns her because of her ties to known terrorists.
4. Threaten his ego.
Send him all the videotapes you made of his present girlfriend and you having sex while you were still together just to remind him how much better you are in bed than he is. NOTE: For bonus points, be sure and send him the one where you're fucking her in the ass while making exaggerated expressions at the camera.
5. Threaten his family.
If none of the above suggestions have borne fruit, try kidnapping one of his cousins or something and using them for ransom. He'll have no choice but to send your ex back to you. If he doesn't he'll be responsible for her death, and nobody wants that. NOTE: For bonus points, send him the video of you fucking his cousin in the ass while she's bound and gagged. This will have the dual effect of pissing him off while at the same time reminding your cunt-sucking, bitch-monkey whore of an ex what a good time she had while in that position.
6. Make them both feel guilty.
Kill yourself and mention them profusely in your suicide note. They will have no choice but to see the error of their fornicating ways thinking they could ever FUCK with YOU!!!!! I mean, who do they think they are!? - This one is really aimed more sqarely at your ex. Imagine how guilty she will feel when she finds out how much you really loved her and was willing to prove it. This will surely make her question the depth and sincerity of her present relationship. NOTE: For bonus points, fake your death instead. That stupid slut will surely realize how much she really loves you when she sees how much trouble you're going through for her worthless ass.
7. Tape all your phone calls!!!!
Tape all the phone calls you've made to him in the execution of the above points, and then use your Pro Tools, Cool Edit Pro, or Soundforge programs to edit the conversations making them sound as if YOU were the one being threatened. That you were just trying to be the good guy and stay away while she got on with what you thought was her new and better life, but MY GOD is this guy an asshole! How can she stand being with such a controlling person??? The stupid bitch can do much better than him.
8. Just KILL HIM.
This one is tricky because you have to try and do it right. I'd recommend watching plenty of "FBI: COLD CASE FILES" on A&E. Also TLC has some good programming that teaches you how to get away with it. If however in the event that you don't get away with it, you must make sure that you do it in a lenient state with conjugal visits, because you know that nasty cunt bitch bohemian whore will be coming around to see you......after all, if you can't have her, noone can!!!
I hope this guide is helpful. Furthermore I absolve myself of any and all liability if any of the above suggestions don't go as planned. I realize that all scenarios are different and not all will work properly, especially if you don't follow the fucking directions. Don't whine to me when your true love leaves you for good because you don't know how to follow directions
The following is a guide on how to get rid of those annoying little details (new boyfriends) that emerge when your true love tries in vain to leave you....The following steps are ways to punk dat little bitch out while at the same time making her realize that she's is indeed the dumb-ass bitch you always told her she was....
STEP 1. Threaten him physically.
Nothing makes girls realize what a fool they've been more than showing them that you are willing to kick ass (or get your ass kicked) for them. Not to mention the fact that they love drama...(why do you think they watch those boring-ass soaps - because it makes them cleaner??? NO!!!) Imagine how much more they'll love it knowing that the drama is REAL and it is about them!
2. Threaten his intelligence.
Show your ex what a complete and utter bitch she was to you by systematically pointing out all the cereberal flaws of her new beau. YOU know he's an idiot...(he is with her after all)...now it's time for her to know it!!! Challenge him to a friendly game of russian roulette and let him go first. If he accepts he is a indeed a dumbass, and you should not miss the opportunity to point this out in front of as many people as possible. If he does not accept, just shoot him (see section 1). NOTE: If gun jams at this point there is no need to panic...just challenge him to the ULTIMATE test of intellectual skill and cunning.....TWISTER!
3. Threaten his livelihood.
Nothing will make that fucking cunt whore of an ex of yours sweat more than showing her what a loser she's involved with. And what better way to do that than plant a bomb in his car and call in a threat while he's at work. Then when the bomb sqad comes to do the routine sweep of the perimeter they can't help but notice how this Al-Queida-linked terrorist fucker has an arsenal of volatile substances in his possession. She'll have no choice but to come crawling back to you when everyone else shuns her because of her ties to known terrorists.
4. Threaten his ego.
Send him all the videotapes you made of his present girlfriend and you having sex while you were still together just to remind him how much better you are in bed than he is. NOTE: For bonus points, be sure and send him the one where you're fucking her in the ass while making exaggerated expressions at the camera.
5. Threaten his family.
If none of the above suggestions have borne fruit, try kidnapping one of his cousins or something and using them for ransom. He'll have no choice but to send your ex back to you. If he doesn't he'll be responsible for her death, and nobody wants that. NOTE: For bonus points, send him the video of you fucking his cousin in the ass while she's bound and gagged. This will have the dual effect of pissing him off while at the same time reminding your cunt-sucking, bitch-monkey whore of an ex what a good time she had while in that position.
6. Make them both feel guilty.
Kill yourself and mention them profusely in your suicide note. They will have no choice but to see the error of their fornicating ways thinking they could ever FUCK with YOU!!!!! I mean, who do they think they are!? - This one is really aimed more sqarely at your ex. Imagine how guilty she will feel when she finds out how much you really loved her and was willing to prove it. This will surely make her question the depth and sincerity of her present relationship. NOTE: For bonus points, fake your death instead. That stupid slut will surely realize how much she really loves you when she sees how much trouble you're going through for her worthless ass.
7. Tape all your phone calls!!!!
Tape all the phone calls you've made to him in the execution of the above points, and then use your Pro Tools, Cool Edit Pro, or Soundforge programs to edit the conversations making them sound as if YOU were the one being threatened. That you were just trying to be the good guy and stay away while she got on with what you thought was her new and better life, but MY GOD is this guy an asshole! How can she stand being with such a controlling person??? The stupid bitch can do much better than him.
8. Just KILL HIM.
This one is tricky because you have to try and do it right. I'd recommend watching plenty of "FBI: COLD CASE FILES" on A&E. Also TLC has some good programming that teaches you how to get away with it. If however in the event that you don't get away with it, you must make sure that you do it in a lenient state with conjugal visits, because you know that nasty cunt bitch bohemian whore will be coming around to see you......after all, if you can't have her, noone can!!!
I hope this guide is helpful. Furthermore I absolve myself of any and all liability if any of the above suggestions don't go as planned. I realize that all scenarios are different and not all will work properly, especially if you don't follow the fucking directions. Don't whine to me when your true love leaves you for good because you don't know how to follow directions
