RIP George Carlin
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Here are the best George Carlin quotes spoken by one of America's hippest comedians.
1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Here are the best George Carlin quotes spoken by one of America's hippest comedians.
1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
Baseball vs. Football: by George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform, you'd know the reason for this custom.
Baseball is a walk in the park. Football is war.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs — what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups — who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end — might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! — I hope I'll be safe at home!
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform, you'd know the reason for this custom.
Baseball is a walk in the park. Football is war.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs — what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups — who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end — might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! — I hope I'll be safe at home!
