As many of you know (and if you don't, then now you do), I work for a children's entertainment company on the weekends. What this means is that I'm the fellow who dresses up in costumes for children's parties. On one hand, it's a fun job. I like being paid to receive hugs and to go to parties. On the other, the costumes are very warm and my co-workers are---well, nuts.
This is one of them (names changed to protect the masturbating).
Ralph Sharpe, 50, is the office manager, second or third down in line from the boss. Ralph keeps the costume area tidy, stays on top of the scheduling, and is always there, answering the phones to talk to a client. He certainly is a godsend, and it's amazing that we were ever able to make it by without him.
He does, however, download several gigabites worth of porn each weekend. We know this because, although he deletes the files at the end of the day, he knows nothing of the cookies stored in his "Temporary Internet Files" folder in the Windows directory. While we're out jumping around and singing as Barney, Elmo, and Spider-Man, he's in the office---alone and very, very horny.
Another nail in his unholy coffin of pornography is the fact that he has a habit of locking the door to the second floor for seemingly no reason. His office is beyond the door, and he would probably be considerably displeased if we happened to simply walk in, catching him in the act of baptizing his keyboard with the stickiest of body secretions.
Everyone knows it. No one has mentioned anything to him. Now you have the backstory.
As it turns out, I can do a reasonably decent Stephen Hawking impersonation, making my voice sound convincingly like a machine, or robot. I was on my way from a job with my boss last weekend when the two of us hatched a plan. I called up the office, and Ralph answered.
"Big Bob's Children's Entertainment, Ralph speaking."
Robot-voiced Jared: "Hello," normal voice, "Ralph Sharpe," back to robot voice, "This is a message from the New York State attorney general's office. Your IP address has been logged though MCI telecommunications services. We have reason to believe that you have been downloading Internet files containing child pornography. Know that this has been entered as evidence in the State's files, and that you will be contacted forthwith regarding our further investigations. Thank you and have a good day."
We hung up, laughing and wondering if he bought it or not.
When we arrive back in the office, Ralph is there, in the middle of the floor, surrounded by his disassembled computer.
"Bob!" my boss exclaims, "What're you doing? That's a company computer!"
Ralph looks up. "I---uh---I think the computer has a virus, so I'm just checking everything on the inside."
Knowing the little I do about computers, I'm able to call his bluff with reasonable accuracy. "But Ralph, why would you have to open the case to fix a virus? Wouldn't it be a software issue?"
"The computer just stopped working. I'm trying to solve it from the inside out."
My boss shakes his head. "Just make sure it's working before you leave today. We can't have a broken computer in the office."
After Ralph reassembles the machine, he still has problems working it. I take over the recovery operation and find that a few important files have been deleted. My working theory is that he took the call for real and went nuts trying to delete everything.
To test this theory, I say, "Well, I think I should be able to recover everything that's been lost. It seems as though the 'virus' just did some superficial damage. Everything will be back just the way it was in no time."
Ralph approaches nervously. "Everything? Why don't you just delete the entire hard drive and then reinstall? I have backups of all the old client contracts anyway---"
"Oh, that would take too much time, and it's unnecessary. I just need the Windows installation CD. I can finish in a few minutes."
"It would probably be better if you just erased the whole thing."
Long story short, I found the Windows CD and fixed the problems. Of course, his porn had been deleted, but the cookies were still there, filling up the Temporary Internet Files folder like sperm in a nutsack upon seeing a pretty gal walk by.
Fast-forward to this past weekend. Bob and I decide to try our luck with Ralph again. This time, I call up and say (in the robot voice), "Hello. We are calling from the New York State attorney general's office. It appears that you have ignored our first warning. Please be advised that seventeen felony counts have been filed against the owner of the IP address 167.34.56.01. You may expect further communication from us in the next few days on this matter. Thank you."
Yes, I made up the IP, but Ralph doesn't know that. We made it back into the office and we find him formatting the hard drive. I ask, "Hey, what're you doing?"
"I'm still having computer trouble, like from last week. I went online and found out how to erase everything, so I figure that it's the best thing to do."
Bob was livid. "You're erasing everything? What about all of our old client information?"
"Don't worry. I have it all on backup."
Just today, I called the office, and Ralph picked up. I said (robot voice), "You are still downloading child pornography even after our previous two warnings. Be advised that you," normal voice, "Ralph Sharpe," robot voice, "Will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law," pause, "You sick fuck!"
Click.
This is one of them (names changed to protect the masturbating).
Ralph Sharpe, 50, is the office manager, second or third down in line from the boss. Ralph keeps the costume area tidy, stays on top of the scheduling, and is always there, answering the phones to talk to a client. He certainly is a godsend, and it's amazing that we were ever able to make it by without him.
He does, however, download several gigabites worth of porn each weekend. We know this because, although he deletes the files at the end of the day, he knows nothing of the cookies stored in his "Temporary Internet Files" folder in the Windows directory. While we're out jumping around and singing as Barney, Elmo, and Spider-Man, he's in the office---alone and very, very horny.
Another nail in his unholy coffin of pornography is the fact that he has a habit of locking the door to the second floor for seemingly no reason. His office is beyond the door, and he would probably be considerably displeased if we happened to simply walk in, catching him in the act of baptizing his keyboard with the stickiest of body secretions.
Everyone knows it. No one has mentioned anything to him. Now you have the backstory.
As it turns out, I can do a reasonably decent Stephen Hawking impersonation, making my voice sound convincingly like a machine, or robot. I was on my way from a job with my boss last weekend when the two of us hatched a plan. I called up the office, and Ralph answered.
"Big Bob's Children's Entertainment, Ralph speaking."
Robot-voiced Jared: "Hello," normal voice, "Ralph Sharpe," back to robot voice, "This is a message from the New York State attorney general's office. Your IP address has been logged though MCI telecommunications services. We have reason to believe that you have been downloading Internet files containing child pornography. Know that this has been entered as evidence in the State's files, and that you will be contacted forthwith regarding our further investigations. Thank you and have a good day."
We hung up, laughing and wondering if he bought it or not.
When we arrive back in the office, Ralph is there, in the middle of the floor, surrounded by his disassembled computer.
"Bob!" my boss exclaims, "What're you doing? That's a company computer!"
Ralph looks up. "I---uh---I think the computer has a virus, so I'm just checking everything on the inside."
Knowing the little I do about computers, I'm able to call his bluff with reasonable accuracy. "But Ralph, why would you have to open the case to fix a virus? Wouldn't it be a software issue?"
"The computer just stopped working. I'm trying to solve it from the inside out."
My boss shakes his head. "Just make sure it's working before you leave today. We can't have a broken computer in the office."
After Ralph reassembles the machine, he still has problems working it. I take over the recovery operation and find that a few important files have been deleted. My working theory is that he took the call for real and went nuts trying to delete everything.
To test this theory, I say, "Well, I think I should be able to recover everything that's been lost. It seems as though the 'virus' just did some superficial damage. Everything will be back just the way it was in no time."
Ralph approaches nervously. "Everything? Why don't you just delete the entire hard drive and then reinstall? I have backups of all the old client contracts anyway---"
"Oh, that would take too much time, and it's unnecessary. I just need the Windows installation CD. I can finish in a few minutes."
"It would probably be better if you just erased the whole thing."
Long story short, I found the Windows CD and fixed the problems. Of course, his porn had been deleted, but the cookies were still there, filling up the Temporary Internet Files folder like sperm in a nutsack upon seeing a pretty gal walk by.
Fast-forward to this past weekend. Bob and I decide to try our luck with Ralph again. This time, I call up and say (in the robot voice), "Hello. We are calling from the New York State attorney general's office. It appears that you have ignored our first warning. Please be advised that seventeen felony counts have been filed against the owner of the IP address 167.34.56.01. You may expect further communication from us in the next few days on this matter. Thank you."
Yes, I made up the IP, but Ralph doesn't know that. We made it back into the office and we find him formatting the hard drive. I ask, "Hey, what're you doing?"
"I'm still having computer trouble, like from last week. I went online and found out how to erase everything, so I figure that it's the best thing to do."
Bob was livid. "You're erasing everything? What about all of our old client information?"
"Don't worry. I have it all on backup."
Just today, I called the office, and Ralph picked up. I said (robot voice), "You are still downloading child pornography even after our previous two warnings. Be advised that you," normal voice, "Ralph Sharpe," robot voice, "Will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law," pause, "You sick fuck!"
Click.
