ECW Championship
Chavo Guerrero(c) vs. CM Punk
We get a short overview of the story so far with the Gulf Of Mexico match being the highlight of the feud by far. It’s nice to see no one still gives a fuck about the ECW Championship as the crickets are out in force in Vegas tonight. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! This match is sucking the life out of me, it’s the the most heatless, un-interesting match i have seen so far this year. Chavo has messed up a couple of spots already including a senton where he landed on the back of Punk’s head. Punk goes for the GTS but Chavo reverses and hits a Tornado DDT for a 2 count. Light Chavo chants have begun, who let the special school into the crowd tonight? Punk has assumed control in the last couple of minutes and is trying desperately to hit the one move that will weaken Chavo enough to hit a finisher but fails as he is pushed off the top rope, hit with a Frog Splash for the 3 count and Chavo retains.
Winner and still ECW Champion - Chavo Guerrero.
We are being driven down the Vegas strip which looks about a million times more fun than being in the arena tonight if that first match is anything to go by. Clips from Rey Mysterio attacking Vicki Guerrero on Smackdown! are shown and Rey is asked to explain himself to which he basically tells everyone to fuck themselves. FLOYD FUCKING MAYWEATHER JNR JUST CAME INTO THE INTERVIEW TO TALK TO REY, THIS PPV JUST IMPROVED DRASTICALLY! Chris Jericho is shown preparing for his match in the back.
At this time, let me slip in an advertisement for our new website. It is non-combat sports related and technically doesn’t launch until March 1, but for thoughts on other sports and entertainment see:
www.darksideofthehooligans.com
It’s time for the first Elimination Chamber match of the evening and it’s…the Smackdown/ECW match. Oh fuck.
Smackdown!/ECW Elimination Chamber Match (Winner to challenge the World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania 24)
MVP vs. Big Daddy V vs. The Great Khali vs. Finlay vs. Batista vs. The Undertaker
Big Daddy V and The Great Khali starting in a pod = comedy! Thank you WWE, thank you for giving me this glimmer of hope. Batista and Taker are starting us off in this one, i would’ve enjoyed watching Khali and Big Daddy V start more just because it would be absolutely terrible therefore good. Taker gets his standard grandiose entrance and the appropriate pop from the 15,000 in attendance. They begin by exchanging punches in the centre of the ring, Kimbo Slice they are not. Taker scores the first throw of the evening as he tosses Batista over the top rope to the steel grate below. But just as Taker got control, Batista lands a big right and is in control. This was short-lived as Taker fights straight back and grounds him into a corner and starts to go to work. The crowd after a short period have started to get into this match and our next lucky contestant is…BIG DADDY V!
I think someone fucked up as the light stopped over Khali’s pod but then Big Daddy V was released so the light guy now is out of a job. V quickly establishes control over the original two. Taker flies out of the chamber door after taking a headbutt from V, just a little goofy there guys but i”ll let it go. They just showed Big Daddy V doing a running splash into a corner in slow motion, why? Batista just delivered a spinebuster to Big Daddy V. After a DDT on the metal grate, Batista eliminates V and next into the chamber is…THE GREAT KHALI~!
Khali and Taker exchange shots but Khali gets bored and reverses a chokeslam attempt into a tree slam for a near fall. Batista meanwhile is taking a break on the mat, he makes it up eventually and is immediately locked in Khali’s vice grip. This is broken up by Undertaker as he takes Khali to the mat and locks in his version of a triangle choke and Khali is forced to tap out and we are back to two. More near falls on the metal grate . Number 5 into the chamber is…FINLAY.
Immediately his face meets with Taker’s boot as he steps out of his pod and into the ring, awesome. Finlay recovers and gets Taker up for the Celtic Cross but only gets a 2 count for his trouble. Back and forth action at the moment, no one has any real advantage. Finlay just drove Taker’s head through one of the pod windows and Taker is busted open. God, Michael Cole and Coach suck as a commentary duo.
The final pod opens and MVP refuses to leave as Taker is standing in front of the door. Taker resolves this by beating the living shit out of him with punches and kicks leaving him slumped in the pod. However MVP springs back to life a minute or two later and creams Taker with a punch and scores a 2 count. MVP must be feeling brave challenging Taker to a punch out or maybe he is just retarded. MVP just climbed to the top of a pod and Taker follows. MVP JUST GOT CHOKESLAMED FROM THE TOP OF THE POD TO THE MAT, Finlay is quick to pick up the scraps and MVP is eliminated.
We are down to three but Hornswoggle has just appeared from the bottom of the ring to hand Finlay his sheleigh(may be spelled wrong). He gets a couple of shots in before Batista disarms him and delivers the Batista Bomb. This time Taker picks up the scraps and chokeslams Finlay to the outside and gets the pinfall.
And then there was two…Batista and The Undertaker. They are playing the Boo/Yeah game in the crowd as Batista(Boo) and Taker(Yeah!) whale on each other. Batista ducks under a punch and sets up Taker for the Batsita Bomb and hits it but only for a 2 count. Batista throws Undertaker into a corner and mounts the top rope and starts raining puches. About 4 punches in, Taker says “Fuck this” and scores with the Last Ride but like Batista can only score a 2 count. Taker tries for a Tombstone but it is reversed and is thrown over the top rope. Batista attempts to throw Taker into the chain wall but as he steps back to run off the ropes, Taker manages to flip over the ropes switching positions with Batista and hits the Tombstone for the 3 count. Mediocre at best, not an impressive night for anyone in particular but no one died so i guess that’s a bonus.
Winner - The Undertaker.
Order of elimination: Big Daddy V, The Great Khali, MVP, Finlay and Batista
We cut to the back to Edge and the Rated Army sitting in their dressing room watching Taker’s celebration when Theodore Long walks in to inform Edge that since Vicki is out injured, he is running the show. He then informs Edge that the Rated Army are banned from ringside tonight.
A Wrestlemania 24 ad airs spoofing Baywatch and it involves May Young in a bikini…no buys!!! Next up is a video showing Maria at the Playboy Mansion talking to Hugh Heffner about being this year’s Playboy cover girl…A MILLION BILLION FUCKING BUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Career Threatening Match (and not just beacuse Mr. Kennedy is involved)
Ric Flair vs. Mr. Kennedy
Kennedy botches his mid entrance promo…good start. Floyd Mayweather is shown in the crowd, getting his face about pretty nicely. 2 minutes in and Mr. Kennedy is already starting to piss me off: overselling, being out of place, botchery basically being Mr. Kennedy. I feel i should be providing some entertainment during this shitfest so here you go:
Flair defeats Kennedy via Figure Four, next!
We cut to the back and see Finlay having some work done on his back when Mr. McMahon walks in and basically says he is going to fuck little Hornswoggle up tomorrow night on Raw. Good for him!
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Edge(c) vs. Tiny Tim aka Rey Mysterio
Just before some smart ass leaves a comment saying that Tiny Tim didn’t have a bicep injury, go fuck yourself, your cat, dog or anything else you decide is fuckable. The point i am making is Rey Mysterio is small. Mysterio takes the early advantage using his size and speed to out step Edge. This does not last long as Edge tosses Rey to the outside and slams him injured arm into the ring steps. Edge has reminded dominant for the last 5 minutes or so as he starts to break down Rey. A springboard DDT changes the whole situation and the ball is back in Mysterio’s court as he lands the 619 but cannot connect with the springboard splash as he cannot climb the ropes and shortly after Edge hits a spear for the win.
Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion - Edge
Rey is being tended to by the EMTs when THE BIG SHOW’s music randomnly hits and he appears at the top of the ramp in a suit jacket and jeans with microphone in hand. WTF mate? “Guess who’s back?” are the first words out of his mouth, the crowd are going nuts. He vows to be champion in one of the brands and says it’s only a matter of time before it happens. He’s faster, meaner and immediately stakes his claim by going after the injured Mysterio. Show taunts at Mayweather asking if he wants a piece and Mayweather just stares back. Big Show sets up Rey for the chokeslam and Floyd has seen enough and jumps the barricade and squares up to the Big Show in the centre of the ring with about 8 million security guards trying to keep them apart. After a brief staredown, Show pushes Mayweather and IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKER! Mayweather pushes back and they are broken up, Big Show mockingly goes down to one knee and Mayweather begins to pummel him. Mayweather and his entourage then make a sharp exit through the crowd closely followed by the Big Show but he is stopped by Shane McMahon who calms him down and they leave up the ramp. This was fucking awesome, the crowd loved it and i demand a boxing match between Big Show and Floyd Mayweather at Wrestlemania!!! This alone has made this PPV awesome.
We are shown a video package building up the WWE Championship match and lo and behold, the next match is:
WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton(c) vs. John Cena
Mostly Cena fans in the arena tonight as the boos are minimal but Randy gets an equally positive reaction. The crowd are going nuts at the bell and they lock up. Orton takes the initial advantage, grounding Cena and working on his mid-section in the corner. Now Cena has taken over landing some flying elbows and quickening the pace but as soon as that happens Orton regains control and slows the pace down again. Duelling Cena/Orton chants have started, the atmosphere is fantastic. Orton is trying to stop Cena cold through the use of varying chokes but Cena will not give up and reverses Orton into the ropes but is countered into a sleeper hold that takes Cena to the mat again.
Cena finally gets out of the hold and springs to life with flips and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Orton and sets up for the FU but Orton escapes to the outside and Cena follows. Both guys are brawling on the outside and forget about the referees count until 9 3/4 but they make it back in. Cena scales the top rope looking to hit a high impact move but Orton gets out of the way on time and Cena crashes and burns. Orton is set for the RKO but Cena counters it into the STFU and they are stranded in the middle of the ring. Amazingly Orton escapes the hold to the outside and goes down holding his knee, as the referee goes over to check on him Orton screams “count me out” and the referee obliges but Cena has made his way outside and Orton springs to life and delivers a brutal RKO to Cena. Cena beats the referees 10 count and Orton is stumped so being a pussy he slaps the ref and he is disqualified, fucking Cena out of the match completely. Orton smiles as Cena pleads with referee to reverse his decision but he has had enough and so has Cena as he flips the fuck out and FU’s Orton anyway following it up with the STFU. Great match, good finish but what now?
Winner by DQ - John Cena (Randy Orton retains WWE Championship)
Chavo Guerrero(c) vs. CM Punk
We get a short overview of the story so far with the Gulf Of Mexico match being the highlight of the feud by far. It’s nice to see no one still gives a fuck about the ECW Championship as the crickets are out in force in Vegas tonight. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! This match is sucking the life out of me, it’s the the most heatless, un-interesting match i have seen so far this year. Chavo has messed up a couple of spots already including a senton where he landed on the back of Punk’s head. Punk goes for the GTS but Chavo reverses and hits a Tornado DDT for a 2 count. Light Chavo chants have begun, who let the special school into the crowd tonight? Punk has assumed control in the last couple of minutes and is trying desperately to hit the one move that will weaken Chavo enough to hit a finisher but fails as he is pushed off the top rope, hit with a Frog Splash for the 3 count and Chavo retains.
Winner and still ECW Champion - Chavo Guerrero.
We are being driven down the Vegas strip which looks about a million times more fun than being in the arena tonight if that first match is anything to go by. Clips from Rey Mysterio attacking Vicki Guerrero on Smackdown! are shown and Rey is asked to explain himself to which he basically tells everyone to fuck themselves. FLOYD FUCKING MAYWEATHER JNR JUST CAME INTO THE INTERVIEW TO TALK TO REY, THIS PPV JUST IMPROVED DRASTICALLY! Chris Jericho is shown preparing for his match in the back.
At this time, let me slip in an advertisement for our new website. It is non-combat sports related and technically doesn’t launch until March 1, but for thoughts on other sports and entertainment see:
www.darksideofthehooligans.com
It’s time for the first Elimination Chamber match of the evening and it’s…the Smackdown/ECW match. Oh fuck.
Smackdown!/ECW Elimination Chamber Match (Winner to challenge the World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania 24)
MVP vs. Big Daddy V vs. The Great Khali vs. Finlay vs. Batista vs. The Undertaker
Big Daddy V and The Great Khali starting in a pod = comedy! Thank you WWE, thank you for giving me this glimmer of hope. Batista and Taker are starting us off in this one, i would’ve enjoyed watching Khali and Big Daddy V start more just because it would be absolutely terrible therefore good. Taker gets his standard grandiose entrance and the appropriate pop from the 15,000 in attendance. They begin by exchanging punches in the centre of the ring, Kimbo Slice they are not. Taker scores the first throw of the evening as he tosses Batista over the top rope to the steel grate below. But just as Taker got control, Batista lands a big right and is in control. This was short-lived as Taker fights straight back and grounds him into a corner and starts to go to work. The crowd after a short period have started to get into this match and our next lucky contestant is…BIG DADDY V!
I think someone fucked up as the light stopped over Khali’s pod but then Big Daddy V was released so the light guy now is out of a job. V quickly establishes control over the original two. Taker flies out of the chamber door after taking a headbutt from V, just a little goofy there guys but i”ll let it go. They just showed Big Daddy V doing a running splash into a corner in slow motion, why? Batista just delivered a spinebuster to Big Daddy V. After a DDT on the metal grate, Batista eliminates V and next into the chamber is…THE GREAT KHALI~!
Khali and Taker exchange shots but Khali gets bored and reverses a chokeslam attempt into a tree slam for a near fall. Batista meanwhile is taking a break on the mat, he makes it up eventually and is immediately locked in Khali’s vice grip. This is broken up by Undertaker as he takes Khali to the mat and locks in his version of a triangle choke and Khali is forced to tap out and we are back to two. More near falls on the metal grate . Number 5 into the chamber is…FINLAY.
Immediately his face meets with Taker’s boot as he steps out of his pod and into the ring, awesome. Finlay recovers and gets Taker up for the Celtic Cross but only gets a 2 count for his trouble. Back and forth action at the moment, no one has any real advantage. Finlay just drove Taker’s head through one of the pod windows and Taker is busted open. God, Michael Cole and Coach suck as a commentary duo.
The final pod opens and MVP refuses to leave as Taker is standing in front of the door. Taker resolves this by beating the living shit out of him with punches and kicks leaving him slumped in the pod. However MVP springs back to life a minute or two later and creams Taker with a punch and scores a 2 count. MVP must be feeling brave challenging Taker to a punch out or maybe he is just retarded. MVP just climbed to the top of a pod and Taker follows. MVP JUST GOT CHOKESLAMED FROM THE TOP OF THE POD TO THE MAT, Finlay is quick to pick up the scraps and MVP is eliminated.
We are down to three but Hornswoggle has just appeared from the bottom of the ring to hand Finlay his sheleigh(may be spelled wrong). He gets a couple of shots in before Batista disarms him and delivers the Batista Bomb. This time Taker picks up the scraps and chokeslams Finlay to the outside and gets the pinfall.
And then there was two…Batista and The Undertaker. They are playing the Boo/Yeah game in the crowd as Batista(Boo) and Taker(Yeah!) whale on each other. Batista ducks under a punch and sets up Taker for the Batsita Bomb and hits it but only for a 2 count. Batista throws Undertaker into a corner and mounts the top rope and starts raining puches. About 4 punches in, Taker says “Fuck this” and scores with the Last Ride but like Batista can only score a 2 count. Taker tries for a Tombstone but it is reversed and is thrown over the top rope. Batista attempts to throw Taker into the chain wall but as he steps back to run off the ropes, Taker manages to flip over the ropes switching positions with Batista and hits the Tombstone for the 3 count. Mediocre at best, not an impressive night for anyone in particular but no one died so i guess that’s a bonus.
Winner - The Undertaker.
Order of elimination: Big Daddy V, The Great Khali, MVP, Finlay and Batista
We cut to the back to Edge and the Rated Army sitting in their dressing room watching Taker’s celebration when Theodore Long walks in to inform Edge that since Vicki is out injured, he is running the show. He then informs Edge that the Rated Army are banned from ringside tonight.
A Wrestlemania 24 ad airs spoofing Baywatch and it involves May Young in a bikini…no buys!!! Next up is a video showing Maria at the Playboy Mansion talking to Hugh Heffner about being this year’s Playboy cover girl…A MILLION BILLION FUCKING BUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Career Threatening Match (and not just beacuse Mr. Kennedy is involved)
Ric Flair vs. Mr. Kennedy
Kennedy botches his mid entrance promo…good start. Floyd Mayweather is shown in the crowd, getting his face about pretty nicely. 2 minutes in and Mr. Kennedy is already starting to piss me off: overselling, being out of place, botchery basically being Mr. Kennedy. I feel i should be providing some entertainment during this shitfest so here you go:
Flair defeats Kennedy via Figure Four, next!
We cut to the back and see Finlay having some work done on his back when Mr. McMahon walks in and basically says he is going to fuck little Hornswoggle up tomorrow night on Raw. Good for him!
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Edge(c) vs. Tiny Tim aka Rey Mysterio
Just before some smart ass leaves a comment saying that Tiny Tim didn’t have a bicep injury, go fuck yourself, your cat, dog or anything else you decide is fuckable. The point i am making is Rey Mysterio is small. Mysterio takes the early advantage using his size and speed to out step Edge. This does not last long as Edge tosses Rey to the outside and slams him injured arm into the ring steps. Edge has reminded dominant for the last 5 minutes or so as he starts to break down Rey. A springboard DDT changes the whole situation and the ball is back in Mysterio’s court as he lands the 619 but cannot connect with the springboard splash as he cannot climb the ropes and shortly after Edge hits a spear for the win.
Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion - Edge
Rey is being tended to by the EMTs when THE BIG SHOW’s music randomnly hits and he appears at the top of the ramp in a suit jacket and jeans with microphone in hand. WTF mate? “Guess who’s back?” are the first words out of his mouth, the crowd are going nuts. He vows to be champion in one of the brands and says it’s only a matter of time before it happens. He’s faster, meaner and immediately stakes his claim by going after the injured Mysterio. Show taunts at Mayweather asking if he wants a piece and Mayweather just stares back. Big Show sets up Rey for the chokeslam and Floyd has seen enough and jumps the barricade and squares up to the Big Show in the centre of the ring with about 8 million security guards trying to keep them apart. After a brief staredown, Show pushes Mayweather and IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKER! Mayweather pushes back and they are broken up, Big Show mockingly goes down to one knee and Mayweather begins to pummel him. Mayweather and his entourage then make a sharp exit through the crowd closely followed by the Big Show but he is stopped by Shane McMahon who calms him down and they leave up the ramp. This was fucking awesome, the crowd loved it and i demand a boxing match between Big Show and Floyd Mayweather at Wrestlemania!!! This alone has made this PPV awesome.
We are shown a video package building up the WWE Championship match and lo and behold, the next match is:
WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton(c) vs. John Cena
Mostly Cena fans in the arena tonight as the boos are minimal but Randy gets an equally positive reaction. The crowd are going nuts at the bell and they lock up. Orton takes the initial advantage, grounding Cena and working on his mid-section in the corner. Now Cena has taken over landing some flying elbows and quickening the pace but as soon as that happens Orton regains control and slows the pace down again. Duelling Cena/Orton chants have started, the atmosphere is fantastic. Orton is trying to stop Cena cold through the use of varying chokes but Cena will not give up and reverses Orton into the ropes but is countered into a sleeper hold that takes Cena to the mat again.
Cena finally gets out of the hold and springs to life with flips and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Orton and sets up for the FU but Orton escapes to the outside and Cena follows. Both guys are brawling on the outside and forget about the referees count until 9 3/4 but they make it back in. Cena scales the top rope looking to hit a high impact move but Orton gets out of the way on time and Cena crashes and burns. Orton is set for the RKO but Cena counters it into the STFU and they are stranded in the middle of the ring. Amazingly Orton escapes the hold to the outside and goes down holding his knee, as the referee goes over to check on him Orton screams “count me out” and the referee obliges but Cena has made his way outside and Orton springs to life and delivers a brutal RKO to Cena. Cena beats the referees 10 count and Orton is stumped so being a pussy he slaps the ref and he is disqualified, fucking Cena out of the match completely. Orton smiles as Cena pleads with referee to reverse his decision but he has had enough and so has Cena as he flips the fuck out and FU’s Orton anyway following it up with the STFU. Great match, good finish but what now?
Winner by DQ - John Cena (Randy Orton retains WWE Championship)
