NO SEX TONIGHT!

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ColdBlooded

ColdBlooded

Sicc OG
#1
Apr 25, 2002
15,044
157
0
#1
NO SEX TONIGHT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/60286784.html
 
I AM

I AM

Some Random Asshole
#8
Apr 25, 2002
21,002
86
48
#8
shit is pretty funny...although, some females care more about fuckin and some dudes care more about feelings...
 
Defy

Defy

Cannabis Connoisseur
#11
Jan 23, 2006
24,139
16,657
0
45
Rich City
#11
that was fanfuckingtastic. for once I actually hope to be in that situation, because we'll definetly be hitting up bloomingdales or someshit with a big ass smile on our faces.....only I'll be the only one smiling when we leave
 
Defy

Defy

Cannabis Connoisseur
#12
Jan 23, 2006
24,139
16,657
0
45
Rich City
#12
I peed on my hand

So, I get to work today at about 7:30. Said hello to a few co-workers, checked e-mail, organized my day. Naturally looked through the craigslist posts to see what the hot young ladies were showing off this morning--always a nice way to begin your day with a smile.

Around 9:00 my bladder reminded me it was time for the morning pee break. We have the pretty standard restroom on our floor: couple of stalls, 4 urinals and two sinks---not a wharehouse, but not the private heaven some of the more senior execs are entitled to. Anyway, I saunter into our empty restroom and belly up to my favorite pisser. Unzip, left thumb hooks boxers and keeps them in the down position (I hate using the little hole) and the right hand grabs Atlas (yes, thats what I call him, and to hell with what you think) to point him in the right direction. Like any other guy, I stare blankly ahead and let er go: just aim and shoot---sometimes it is good to be a guy.

It was then I feel the warm stream running down my hand. Seems as if there was a blockage at the exit (dried pre-cum from looking at too many hotties this morning??) and it caused the stream to shoot off at the random angle that got my hand. Easy fix: clench, flick, resume pissing. But the bliss is gone, because now I have a peed-on hand. I finish up and head to the sink.

Don't get me wrong---I don't really care about a little pee on the hand--I mean, it's sterile when it comes out of your body (look it up if you don't believe me) and I AM a guy. So I'm washing up and look in the mirror to discover that Atlas not only got my hand, but my pants as well. And, as luck would have it, I wore khaki today, so the watermark shows up real nice right around the crotch area. I silently curse Atlas and topless picture posting hotties, and consider the best way to clean up the mess.

I could make a dash for my desk and sit there, but I have to move around at work quite a bit, so the chances of me drying out before I have to get up and deal with someone are slim. I could try drying it with paper towles, but have you ever tried to dry fabric with paper towles? Doesn't really work. So I go for option c: take some water from the sink and spash my crotch and upper thighs. If anyone sees me I get to tell a funny story about how I was too enthusiastic at the sink, we have a good laugh, and they never know the dirty secret my cunning strategy is hiding. Nice.

Ok: water on, wet the hands and flick some drops. Hmmm...not quite enough. Maybe a few more...nope, doesn't look right. Maybe a small handfull....SHIT!!! SMALL HANDFULL, MORON! The wet area around my crotch is now covering the size of a dinner plate and extends to mid thigh on both legs. I look like I took a super-soaker and stuck it down my pants.

Well, the paper towel option is the next best bet. For the first time I curse not having a hot air hand dryer: I hate those things, but it would be just the ticket here. I grab a handfull of paper towles and retire to the stall--god forbid someone should walk in now. I quickly start to pat and rub, hoping to soak up some of the water from the deluge and get back to the 'sink accident' story.

Funny thing about some bathroom paper towles. You don't notice it when drying your hands, but then again, your hands aren't made of cloth. They don't do so good as a clothing drying medium--they tend to come apart. As I am rubbing the towles over my pants they start to break down into their smallest element: white lint. Which is now stuck all over the front of my pants. I try to use more to wipe off the lint, and just get lintier. Now the front of my pants has a water stain the size of a dinner plate with miniature pieces of white fluff all over it.

I glance at my watch and realize I am out of time---my 2 minute jaunt to the men's room is now pushing 10, and I have to make a call soon. What I want to do is sit in here, take off my pants and pretend I am taking a half-hour duker so I can let the water dry, but have no time. I gotta chance it. One last check in the mirror, crack the door....good, no one looking, casually stroll back to the desk....good....sit and breath a sigh of relief.

So, here I am now, furtively fanning my crotch, trying to look busy so someone doesn't come by and try to get me to stand up. I've already caught a few odd looks, but hopefully they think I am just scratching (a lot...). I have a meeting in 30 min, but think I will be dried enough by then to brush the lint away...

So, fellow men: BE WARNED. If you want to check out the trim before you take a piss, make sure you give your boy a flick or two to clear the pipe. Wet, linty, and stupid is no way to start your day.
 
S

Speedy

Sicc OG
#13
Aug 5, 2004
2,279
48
48
40
www.myspace.com
#13
ColdBlooded said:
NO SEX TONIGHT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/60286784.html
Click to expand...
1 for guys and 1 Billion for the girls. Damn we got a lot of catching up to do.
 
JP $CRILLA

JP $CRILLA

Sicc OG
#16
Aug 8, 2004
715
1
18
43
#16
as I read this all I could think of was ways to clown your ass for being a Save-A-Hoe and buying your bitch all that shit after she played you the night before. then as I read the last paragraph, I laughed my ass off.

I know you didnt write it but good post. fuckin bitches need to get their mind right.
 
D

daluvlymel

Sicc OG
#17
May 26, 2007
2,846
7
38
#17
thats funny man..I dunno sometimes we just dont want to u know..I know if i am hella tired and want to sleep i am not gonna think about sex really..I'm gunna want to sleep...I do like how u handled that tho...
 
HIM

HIM

Sicc OG
#19
Sep 27, 2002
4,648
1,156
113
41
#19
Some of these are pretty funny and TRUE....

The Guys' Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.




Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, sex, money, making money, where we gonna go out to eat, or sex.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, You think I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


Bu, no its really uncomfortable...and this list has been documented. MAN LAW!!!
 
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