Me and my turd Hermie first met after a particularly excruciating bowel movement last Thursday; I blame it on the Double Whopper(tm) and fries I scarfed on the way to my doctors appointment. Six hours after the meal and the six pills the doc gave me my intestines felt as if the were ready to burst; the meal had found its exit after a journey through my digestive tract. As soon as I was able to find a suitable porcelain throne at the local strip mall I promptly pulled down my jeans and boxer briefs, after closing the stall door of course, and proceeded to deposit my bowel's fetid load into its watery recepticle. A couple of grunts, the cursory piss, a wipe, and I was done. As a matter of habit I pull up my underwear and pants first before peering into the bowl to see my deposit, and this time was no exception.
Thus, I had the shock of my life; my introduction to my turd Hermie.
It was bobbing nonchalantly in the toilet bowl, slowly moving through the piss-yellow water of its domain. As it saw my face peer into the bowl it politely introduced himself with a voice that was somehow reminiscient of Mr. Bill in those Saturday Night Live episodes, haunting my dreams forever:
"Hi! I'm Hermie, And I'm your friend to the end!"
My eyes and ears could not believe the spectacle that was unfolding in to toilet bowl. Subconciously I stepped backwards against the stall door.
Before I could pull the handle that would flush this unholiest of abominations to its watery grave Hermie stood up, leaving brown skidmarks where its fecal feet lost purchase to smooth porcelain, and abruptly leapt clear from the confines of it's birthplace. As it plopped onto the floor beside the toilet, my eyes wandered to an undigested piece of lettuce that somehow smeared against the concrete. It then shook the excess water from its shitty little body, which resembled a cartoonish gingerbread man's physique, and proceeded to walk out of the stall. Its tracks, nothing more than little shitty smears that belonged home on toilet paper, found their way out underneath the stall and snaked onwards towards the door. As I gathered my wits and finally opened the stall door, flushing what contents that were left in the toilet towards eternity, I noticed that it was impatiently wating at the bathroom door. The two slits the passed for eyelids peered unflinchingly at me. It spoke again:
"Man, I sure am hungry! How about some Taco Bell(tm)?"
Somehow the thought did not appeal to me; I was still in a state of amazement about what was happening. Sanity was departing from it's tenous cage inside my head, and I was beginning to wonder at what stage would the men in white suits would haul me off to my new home. I shuddered.
I opened the swinging door, letting myself out of the bathroom and unleashing Hermie onto an unsuspecting world. An unpleasant odor followed as I ventured in uncertainty, with my shitty sidekick walking besides me and leaving diarhea-like tracks fading down the hall...
Thus, I had the shock of my life; my introduction to my turd Hermie.
It was bobbing nonchalantly in the toilet bowl, slowly moving through the piss-yellow water of its domain. As it saw my face peer into the bowl it politely introduced himself with a voice that was somehow reminiscient of Mr. Bill in those Saturday Night Live episodes, haunting my dreams forever:
"Hi! I'm Hermie, And I'm your friend to the end!"
My eyes and ears could not believe the spectacle that was unfolding in to toilet bowl. Subconciously I stepped backwards against the stall door.
Before I could pull the handle that would flush this unholiest of abominations to its watery grave Hermie stood up, leaving brown skidmarks where its fecal feet lost purchase to smooth porcelain, and abruptly leapt clear from the confines of it's birthplace. As it plopped onto the floor beside the toilet, my eyes wandered to an undigested piece of lettuce that somehow smeared against the concrete. It then shook the excess water from its shitty little body, which resembled a cartoonish gingerbread man's physique, and proceeded to walk out of the stall. Its tracks, nothing more than little shitty smears that belonged home on toilet paper, found their way out underneath the stall and snaked onwards towards the door. As I gathered my wits and finally opened the stall door, flushing what contents that were left in the toilet towards eternity, I noticed that it was impatiently wating at the bathroom door. The two slits the passed for eyelids peered unflinchingly at me. It spoke again:
"Man, I sure am hungry! How about some Taco Bell(tm)?"
Somehow the thought did not appeal to me; I was still in a state of amazement about what was happening. Sanity was departing from it's tenous cage inside my head, and I was beginning to wonder at what stage would the men in white suits would haul me off to my new home. I shuddered.
I opened the swinging door, letting myself out of the bathroom and unleashing Hermie onto an unsuspecting world. An unpleasant odor followed as I ventured in uncertainty, with my shitty sidekick walking besides me and leaving diarhea-like tracks fading down the hall...