After 27 years together, Maggie was sure her husband wouldn't notice if she had an affair - but HE had a surprise for HER
By Sadie Nicholas
Last updated at 8:46 AM on 19th February 2009
On the face of it there was nothing remarkable about Maggie Barlow's date with a man she had met after placing an ad in the lonely hearts column of her local newspaper.
It was a classic case of 'lonely middle-aged woman meets forlorn middle-aged man for drinks in the hope it might lead to companionship and perhaps more'.
Except that Maggie was married, with three children, and her husband of 27 years knew nothing about her assignation.
Shamelessly, she was trying to orchestrate an affair and find a knight in shining armour to rescue her from her staid marriage, confident that her husband Graham wouldn't notice.
In her quest to find a lover, she advertised in the dating section of several newspapers, had lunch and dates in coffee shops and country pubs with about 15 men, she even joined a gym and a theatre group. But ultimately she was to uncover a devastating flaw in her plan...
First, though, we must rewind the clock back to 1976 when, after a whirlwind romance, Maggie, then 25 and a secretary, married Graham, 27, an accountant. They were brought together by a love of classical music.
They bought their first home in Hertfordshire and had a son the following year, before moving north as Graham took a new job.
'I loved it up in Yorkshire, surrounded by beautiful countryside, and we were happy,' Maggie recalls. 'Our second baby soon followed and before we had our youngest, we moved nearby to our dream home, a five-bedroom detached property.'
After such a promising start to married life, it's difficult to imagine what went so drastically wrong. But Maggie puts it down to a chance remark made by an aunt. 'We'd been married for about ten years and one day when Graham had left for work she said: "He hardly talks to you."
'I'd never thought about it before, but it was true. Each night Graham would come home from work, exchange a few words with me, then disappear behind his newspaper for the evening. But he worked hard as the breadwinner and I was busy running the home. We were just like countless other couples, weren't we?'
Losing the spark
In the pursuit of raising her family - their children are now 30, 27 and 20 - Maggie all but forgot her aunt's words until a decade later when a compliment from a friend led her to set her heart on an extramarital affair.
'We hadn't seen these friends, a married couple, for ten years when they came to visit us,' Maggie continues. 'I'd always got on well with the husband, but that particular weekend he held my gaze and declared that I hadn't aged a bit in a decade since.
'It stirred butterflies in my stomach that I hadn't felt for years. Graham never paid me compliments and I realised that perhaps I didn't look like a frumpy, middle-aged wife and mum after all.
'Graham was kind, and he helped in the house when he wasn't at work. I couldn't fault him. But he didn't make me feel special or attractive. I might as well have been invisible.'
Coincidentally an old friend, Sue, happened to be in the throes of leaving her own husband. In an uncanny resemblance to the 1989 movie Shirley Valentine in which Shirley (Pauline Collins) flees to Greece to escape her mundane marriage, the pair decided a girls' only holiday to the Greek islands was just what the doctor ordered.
'Sitting on the beach that first day I felt a freedom there that I'd not had since I travelled round America on my own for three months before I met Graham,' Maggie recalls.
'A bit like Shirley Valentine, I used to say that talking to Graham was like talking to a wall and on that holiday I suddenly became aware of all the other men around me and their adultery potential.'
Despite her wanton wishes and admitting to a 'teenage crush' on the male tour guide in Greece, there was no holiday romance for Maggie. But she returned home with one ambition - to have an affair.
It's a remarkable admission for a self-confessed homemaker who believed strongly in the institution of marriage and who had her youngest son still at home.
'I started doing voluntary work and staying with Sue at weekends,' she says. 'I hoped that both might lead me to meet a man who'd sweep me off my feet. I did feel guilty. I had a beautiful home, three great children and a husband who worked hard. What did I have to complain about?'
But Maggie's initial guilt didn't last for long and five years ago she began her search in earnest.
'I'd tried to tell Graham I was unhappy,' she recalls, 'asking why he didn't chat to me, why he didn't notice me. He sighed, hugged me and said he was just busy and tired. I tried to show him affection by doing silly little things like such as buying his favourite puddings, but he didn't reciprocate my efforts. Our sex life was non-existent.'
Out for adventure
Convinced she'd be able to take a secret lover without damaging her marriage, Maggie embarked on a series of surreptitious dates. 'Graham didn't show much interest in anything I did, so I was certain he wouldn't notice if I was having an affair,' Maggie says. 'He'd be the last person to have an affair himself, so I was sure he wouldn't recognise any of the signs.
'I placed an advert in the classifieds of the regional newspaper.'
Maggie's plea for a 'lively, outgoing man for fun and companionship' yielded 15 responses. Of course, she hadn't mentioned she was married with children. 'I had to log into a telephone mailbox to access all my replies,' she says. 'It was exciting and I decided to call several of the men. I arranged dates in coffee shops or pubs that weren't on my doorstep so I wasn't spotted.
'The first man I met was so boring - he droned on about his love of the ballet for an hour. The next looked like he'd fallen out of a caravan with his scruffy clothes. I met another man in a pub one evening, having told Graham I was doing voluntary work. I could tell immediately that all he wanted was sex. "You're not physically my type at all," he said within seconds of handing me a glass of wine. I bid him an immediate farewell.
'There was one chap who I met several times. He had his own business, was handsome and I quite liked him, until he turned up with darker hair one day and I realised he must dye it. Call me fussy, but it's an instant turn-off when a man dyes his hair. A couple of the men I dated turned out to be married and, like me, were looking for an affair to spice up their lives.
'One man I met panicked when he spotted his brother-in-law in the same pub and admitted to me he was married. It didn't make me feel guilty at all about what I was doing, just more determined.'
As a sexual adventure continued to elude her, Maggie posted her desires in the dating pages of a national newspaper, a move she says produced a 'better calibre' of would-be lover. 'I got 11 replies and the first date was with a psychologist. He was married, but his wife was an invalid and although he had no intention of leaving her, he missed physical companionship with a woman.
'And there were also a couple of businessmen who travelled to Yorkshire with work, so I'd meet them at lunchtimes in different pubs. None of them were what I was looking for, but I felt more alive and desirable as a result of the dates. There was one man, though, who I really developed feelings for. We used to walk our dogs together and I was so sure he had feelings for me that so I told him I wanted us to have an affair.
'He was horrified and said he was only interested in me as a friend and wouldn't entertain anything more because I was married. I hadn't seen that coming and was very upset.'
The husband's bombshell
Undeterred, Maggie then joined a gym and a theatre group and admits both were moves to try to find a lover. But there was to be a monumental and unforeseen sting in the tail of Maggie's tawdry quest for instant gratification.
'For while she was busy entertaining thoughts of other men, boring, dependable, dull Graham began to talk about a new female colleague.
'It was 2005, about two years after I'd been contemplating an affair, and he began to mention a lady at work called Linda,' Maggie recalls, though far from feeling unnerved by this, she admits it simply appeased any guilt she may have felt about her own deceit.
'I almost willed him to have an affair because it would leave me free to stop sneaking around trying to find a lover. But even though he started socialising often with colleagues after work, something he'd never done, I knew Graham wasn't the sort to cheat.'
In a bitter twist of irony, though, the husband she thought was incapable of infidelity had news for Maggie.
'One night I felt compelled to ask Graham if there was something going on between him and Linda,' Maggie explains. 'Yet even though my suspicions about them had grown, I wasn't prepared for his answer; yes, they were having an affair and he wanted us to separate and for them to be together.
'I was shocked, but mainly put out that after my efforts to have an affair, my husband had betrayed me. More galling was that Linda had appeared under his nose at work - he hadn't had to go out looking. The following day I couldn't stop crying, even though my abiding feeling was that Graham's affair made everything easier for me.'
A year later, with the family home sold, Graham and Linda moved in together and Maggie moved to the three-bedroom semi where today she lives alone. Despite continuing her search for a lover, a mission that has since involved internet dating, speed dating and singles' holidays, she remains just that, single. 'I feel resentful that Graham found someone else,' Maggie, now 58, says.
'I've got so much to give and there's a big gap in my life, but there seem to be so few single, middle-aged men out there.
'The saddest thing is that after his bombshell, Graham admitted to me that he too had been feeling neglected and invisible in our marriage, just as I had. I bitterly regret that I didn't try harder to talk to him and that we didn't sit down ten years ago and admit we were wrong for each other ten yers ago.
'It would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache for both of us and the children if we'd just been honest about our feelings. It might also have been easier for me to meet someone else when I was much younger than I am now and without the sneaking around.
'Our divorce was finalised in January 2008 and he and Linda married last year. Graham and I are still good friends and he tells me that he wishes I had someone special to share my life with. But everywhere I go there are lots of single women, but very few single men of my age, so I don't know whether it's going to happen.'
It's a salutary warning for anyone else too cowardly to walk away from an unhappy marriage before trying to find a new love.
Married Maggie Barlow actively but unsuccessfully sought an affair to spice up her life
By Sadie Nicholas
Last updated at 8:46 AM on 19th February 2009
On the face of it there was nothing remarkable about Maggie Barlow's date with a man she had met after placing an ad in the lonely hearts column of her local newspaper.
It was a classic case of 'lonely middle-aged woman meets forlorn middle-aged man for drinks in the hope it might lead to companionship and perhaps more'.
Except that Maggie was married, with three children, and her husband of 27 years knew nothing about her assignation.
Shamelessly, she was trying to orchestrate an affair and find a knight in shining armour to rescue her from her staid marriage, confident that her husband Graham wouldn't notice.
In her quest to find a lover, she advertised in the dating section of several newspapers, had lunch and dates in coffee shops and country pubs with about 15 men, she even joined a gym and a theatre group. But ultimately she was to uncover a devastating flaw in her plan...
First, though, we must rewind the clock back to 1976 when, after a whirlwind romance, Maggie, then 25 and a secretary, married Graham, 27, an accountant. They were brought together by a love of classical music.
They bought their first home in Hertfordshire and had a son the following year, before moving north as Graham took a new job.
'I loved it up in Yorkshire, surrounded by beautiful countryside, and we were happy,' Maggie recalls. 'Our second baby soon followed and before we had our youngest, we moved nearby to our dream home, a five-bedroom detached property.'
After such a promising start to married life, it's difficult to imagine what went so drastically wrong. But Maggie puts it down to a chance remark made by an aunt. 'We'd been married for about ten years and one day when Graham had left for work she said: "He hardly talks to you."
'I'd never thought about it before, but it was true. Each night Graham would come home from work, exchange a few words with me, then disappear behind his newspaper for the evening. But he worked hard as the breadwinner and I was busy running the home. We were just like countless other couples, weren't we?'
Losing the spark
In the pursuit of raising her family - their children are now 30, 27 and 20 - Maggie all but forgot her aunt's words until a decade later when a compliment from a friend led her to set her heart on an extramarital affair.
'We hadn't seen these friends, a married couple, for ten years when they came to visit us,' Maggie continues. 'I'd always got on well with the husband, but that particular weekend he held my gaze and declared that I hadn't aged a bit in a decade since.
'It stirred butterflies in my stomach that I hadn't felt for years. Graham never paid me compliments and I realised that perhaps I didn't look like a frumpy, middle-aged wife and mum after all.
'Graham was kind, and he helped in the house when he wasn't at work. I couldn't fault him. But he didn't make me feel special or attractive. I might as well have been invisible.'
Coincidentally an old friend, Sue, happened to be in the throes of leaving her own husband. In an uncanny resemblance to the 1989 movie Shirley Valentine in which Shirley (Pauline Collins) flees to Greece to escape her mundane marriage, the pair decided a girls' only holiday to the Greek islands was just what the doctor ordered.
'Sitting on the beach that first day I felt a freedom there that I'd not had since I travelled round America on my own for three months before I met Graham,' Maggie recalls.
'A bit like Shirley Valentine, I used to say that talking to Graham was like talking to a wall and on that holiday I suddenly became aware of all the other men around me and their adultery potential.'
Despite her wanton wishes and admitting to a 'teenage crush' on the male tour guide in Greece, there was no holiday romance for Maggie. But she returned home with one ambition - to have an affair.
It's a remarkable admission for a self-confessed homemaker who believed strongly in the institution of marriage and who had her youngest son still at home.
'I started doing voluntary work and staying with Sue at weekends,' she says. 'I hoped that both might lead me to meet a man who'd sweep me off my feet. I did feel guilty. I had a beautiful home, three great children and a husband who worked hard. What did I have to complain about?'
But Maggie's initial guilt didn't last for long and five years ago she began her search in earnest.
'I'd tried to tell Graham I was unhappy,' she recalls, 'asking why he didn't chat to me, why he didn't notice me. He sighed, hugged me and said he was just busy and tired. I tried to show him affection by doing silly little things like such as buying his favourite puddings, but he didn't reciprocate my efforts. Our sex life was non-existent.'
Out for adventure
Convinced she'd be able to take a secret lover without damaging her marriage, Maggie embarked on a series of surreptitious dates. 'Graham didn't show much interest in anything I did, so I was certain he wouldn't notice if I was having an affair,' Maggie says. 'He'd be the last person to have an affair himself, so I was sure he wouldn't recognise any of the signs.
'I placed an advert in the classifieds of the regional newspaper.'
Maggie's plea for a 'lively, outgoing man for fun and companionship' yielded 15 responses. Of course, she hadn't mentioned she was married with children. 'I had to log into a telephone mailbox to access all my replies,' she says. 'It was exciting and I decided to call several of the men. I arranged dates in coffee shops or pubs that weren't on my doorstep so I wasn't spotted.
'The first man I met was so boring - he droned on about his love of the ballet for an hour. The next looked like he'd fallen out of a caravan with his scruffy clothes. I met another man in a pub one evening, having told Graham I was doing voluntary work. I could tell immediately that all he wanted was sex. "You're not physically my type at all," he said within seconds of handing me a glass of wine. I bid him an immediate farewell.
'There was one chap who I met several times. He had his own business, was handsome and I quite liked him, until he turned up with darker hair one day and I realised he must dye it. Call me fussy, but it's an instant turn-off when a man dyes his hair. A couple of the men I dated turned out to be married and, like me, were looking for an affair to spice up their lives.
'One man I met panicked when he spotted his brother-in-law in the same pub and admitted to me he was married. It didn't make me feel guilty at all about what I was doing, just more determined.'
As a sexual adventure continued to elude her, Maggie posted her desires in the dating pages of a national newspaper, a move she says produced a 'better calibre' of would-be lover. 'I got 11 replies and the first date was with a psychologist. He was married, but his wife was an invalid and although he had no intention of leaving her, he missed physical companionship with a woman.
'And there were also a couple of businessmen who travelled to Yorkshire with work, so I'd meet them at lunchtimes in different pubs. None of them were what I was looking for, but I felt more alive and desirable as a result of the dates. There was one man, though, who I really developed feelings for. We used to walk our dogs together and I was so sure he had feelings for me that so I told him I wanted us to have an affair.
'He was horrified and said he was only interested in me as a friend and wouldn't entertain anything more because I was married. I hadn't seen that coming and was very upset.'
The husband's bombshell
Undeterred, Maggie then joined a gym and a theatre group and admits both were moves to try to find a lover. But there was to be a monumental and unforeseen sting in the tail of Maggie's tawdry quest for instant gratification.
'For while she was busy entertaining thoughts of other men, boring, dependable, dull Graham began to talk about a new female colleague.
'It was 2005, about two years after I'd been contemplating an affair, and he began to mention a lady at work called Linda,' Maggie recalls, though far from feeling unnerved by this, she admits it simply appeased any guilt she may have felt about her own deceit.
'I almost willed him to have an affair because it would leave me free to stop sneaking around trying to find a lover. But even though he started socialising often with colleagues after work, something he'd never done, I knew Graham wasn't the sort to cheat.'
In a bitter twist of irony, though, the husband she thought was incapable of infidelity had news for Maggie.
'One night I felt compelled to ask Graham if there was something going on between him and Linda,' Maggie explains. 'Yet even though my suspicions about them had grown, I wasn't prepared for his answer; yes, they were having an affair and he wanted us to separate and for them to be together.
'I was shocked, but mainly put out that after my efforts to have an affair, my husband had betrayed me. More galling was that Linda had appeared under his nose at work - he hadn't had to go out looking. The following day I couldn't stop crying, even though my abiding feeling was that Graham's affair made everything easier for me.'
A year later, with the family home sold, Graham and Linda moved in together and Maggie moved to the three-bedroom semi where today she lives alone. Despite continuing her search for a lover, a mission that has since involved internet dating, speed dating and singles' holidays, she remains just that, single. 'I feel resentful that Graham found someone else,' Maggie, now 58, says.
'I've got so much to give and there's a big gap in my life, but there seem to be so few single, middle-aged men out there.
'The saddest thing is that after his bombshell, Graham admitted to me that he too had been feeling neglected and invisible in our marriage, just as I had. I bitterly regret that I didn't try harder to talk to him and that we didn't sit down ten years ago and admit we were wrong for each other ten yers ago.
'It would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache for both of us and the children if we'd just been honest about our feelings. It might also have been easier for me to meet someone else when I was much younger than I am now and without the sneaking around.
'Our divorce was finalised in January 2008 and he and Linda married last year. Graham and I are still good friends and he tells me that he wishes I had someone special to share my life with. But everywhere I go there are lots of single women, but very few single men of my age, so I don't know whether it's going to happen.'
It's a salutary warning for anyone else too cowardly to walk away from an unhappy marriage before trying to find a new love.
Married Maggie Barlow actively but unsuccessfully sought an affair to spice up her life
