Kids under 12 abusing cough syrup more then ever
- Thread starter mustynutz
- Start date
Kyle: Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine!
Token: Cough medicine?
Kyle: That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.
[South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle.]
Butters: Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.
Kyle: How do we know which one to use?
Stab: [reaches out and grabs one, then steps back] How about this one? Calminex? [reads the label] "Warning: Taking more than the recommended amount can cause severe side effects."
Cartman: That sounds perfect.
Jimmy: B-b-bbingo!
Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.
Pharmacist: Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.
Kyle: It's not?
Pharmacist: No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.
Kyle: Oh, okay.
Pharmacist: Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.
Jimmy: Wha, what do you think, fellas?
Stan: I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
Pharmacist: That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave waiting for the pharmacist]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight.
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jezuth Christh
Butters: Woo. We aren't havin' a party.
Mr. Garrison: Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? [fakes a bad cough and nudges Mr. Slave] Us too. [coughs]
Mr. Slave: [coughs] Jezuth. [coughs]
[Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup]
Kyle: [handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise.
Butters: [Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Hohhh, it's all think and g-gooey.
Cartman: [taps at his tablet several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.
Kyle: Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle how has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right?
Jimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
Cartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas?
Butters: Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.
[Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an aminated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys]
Cartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away]
[Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Stan speak to him in weird altered voices]
Cartman: Oh Stan, I just got the best idea
Kyle: Me too. [they quickly write their ideas down in their tablets]
[Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown. Butters talks to him in the same altered voice the other voice have spoken to him in]
Butters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [takes off his clothes and run away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.]
[Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in amchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy]
Cartman: Dude, this TV show is awesome.
Stan: It's... 's the greatest show of all time.
Kyle: I could watch this for days. [the show they're watching is Clyde's new show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats]
The Boys: [without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute.
[Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters' head is on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around]
Stan: You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused]
Kyle: Ah!
Butters: Huh?
Kyle: Butters, get away from me!
Butters: [looks down at his body] Oh Jesus, where are my clothes??
Stan: We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.
Cartman: Ah I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys]
Kyle: I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.
Stan: You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.
Token: [still groggy] Yeah. It was great.
Stan: No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine!
Kyle: Jesus, you may be right.
Jimmy: Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives!
[An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music]
Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a shot of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here's Rick Cartman!
Cartman: [camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remiedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Hoochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse.
Stan: [voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a shot of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise and running away] Behind the school! [a shot of the Goths downing cough medicine]
Red-haired Goth: Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!
Stan: Even in the girls' bathroom! [a shot of Bebe and Red in the restroom. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent under the ceiling]
Bebe: [approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you!
Stan: [a shot of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal!
Principal Victoria: Oh my goodness!
Jimmy: P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fuh-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.
Principal Victoria: Well I... we...
Kyle: [steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a shot of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest]
Token: The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula.
Cartman: And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch.
Butters: [from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uhn, I'll keep my eyes open.
Stan: The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: ridded their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a shot of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze]
