JOKES!!!

  • Wanna Join? New users you can now register lightning fast using your Facebook or Twitter accounts.
Hutch

Hutch

Sicc OG
#1
Mar 9, 2005
1,345
1
0
44
#1
Anyone got any good jokes.

I have a stack and I will share a couple with you guys. Always looking for more though. Don't hold back - this one is borderline. Add more later.

Three young nuns die & go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says:
"Young nuns, before you can enter heaven, you must tell me the worst thing you've ever done."

First nun says: "St. Peter, I've looked at a man’s penis." St. Peter says: "Go to the fountain and wash your eyes, then you may enter."

Second nun says: "St. Peter, I've touched a man’s penis." St Peter says: "Go to the fountain and wash your hands, then you may enter."

While the 2 nuns walk to the fountain the third nun hollers aloud: "Don't get the water dirty, I have to gargle!"
 
Hutch

Hutch

Sicc OG
#2
Mar 9, 2005
1,345
1
0
44
#2
A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?"

The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."

He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"

"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"

"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."

"That will be $12.65" says the bartender.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

"What'll it be today?" says the bartender.

"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man.

He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"

"I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"

"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat.

"That will be $21.95" says the bartender.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

"Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"

"Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy some-thing I would have the exact change in my pocket".

"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".

What else did you ask for?"

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
 
Hutch

Hutch

Sicc OG
#10
Mar 9, 2005
1,345
1
0
44
#10
I heard that one Mr.SippyGetippy and paedophile humour isn't my thing but it is a good one.

Here is another one.

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
 
Hutch

Hutch

Sicc OG
#11
Mar 9, 2005
1,345
1
0
44
#11
Here is one more.

This bloke had a talking parrot,but every time he comes home with a woman the parrot shouts out ,i know who is going to get a bit tonight, with this the women used to leave in disgust.
after several times the bloke decides to take the parrot to the pet shop to find out if any thing could be done about the parrot . the petshop owner thought the parrot might be randy and wanted a female parrot,bat as things worked out he did not have a female parrot but he did have a female owl,so the bloke bought that ,stuffed the owl into the cage with the parrot and went home.

so that night he goes out and come home with a woman for a night of fun and no parrot to call out because he had the owl ,so after a bit of kissing and cuddling on the sofa the bloke and woman were heading to the bed room when the parrot calls out I KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET A BIT TONIGHT ,to this the owl hoots out hoo hoo ,and the parrot looks down at the owl and says not you any way you flat faced bitch
 
Hutch

Hutch

Sicc OG
#12
Mar 9, 2005
1,345
1
0
44
#12
One more, I am feeling in a joke mood. This one is something to think about if you are ever ready to retire.


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted

"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again
 
GP$510

GP$510

Sicc OG
#17
Jul 11, 2005
492
0
0
38
www.myspace.com
#17
have u wondered why when some goes to a drive thru they order 2 double cheese burgers fries and a diet coke?

why is that sick people have to walk to the back of the store to get a perscription but ciggarates are sold in the front of the store?


why is it that on products u know will put u to sleep it says"may cause drowziness"


why is it that on a bag of peanuts that they give you in a airplane say"open pouch and eat peanuts"?


why is it that on an airplane they have an indistructable black box?why dont they make the whole airplane out of that stuff?

i dont know if there really funny prolly not but why not post em
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom