A short while back we had a string of major break-ins in our area. My neighbours would wake up in the morning and notice almost all their appliances and electronics gone in addition to a couple of smashed first story windows. And though the robbers were more interested in looting the house of its worldly goods over harming those inside, the whole neighbourhood was a little freaked out. Unfortunately, this also included my mother.
The week I was out of town camping with friends, my overprotective old lady installed the mother of all security systems in our home. This thing was so advanced that it monitored body heat and measured weight pressure in the carpets. It had motion detectors and lasers, various checkpoints to decode the alarm, as well a huge fucking command center that operated out of my parent's bedroom.
Unbeknownst to me, I came home from camping, keyless, ready to enter the deathtrap that was my home.
Due to my absent minded nature and frequent curfew breaking, I would often sneak into the house through the basement window. However, when I made my way to the side of the house this particular time, I crouched down and noticed thick metal bars blocking my path. That should have been a hint to anybody with half a brain that something was not quite right, but I was pretty tired and I wasn't functioning at normal human efficiency. It was probably more like crack addicted Jessica Simpson with Down syndrome efficiency.
I ran back to the front of the house and miraculously found a key under the mat. I pumped my fist in the air. Excelsior! I grabbed the key, shook off the little ants, and unlocked the door. My exhale of relief quickly turned into a sharp inhale of terror.
ALARM: PLEASE ENTER CODE NOW
Me: WAHHHHH! Who's there?!
ALARM: PLEASE ENTER CODE NOW
I kept looking around frantically to see who was talking.
Me: Who's there?! Come out you bastard!
I grabbed my Swiss army knife out of my backpack and got into attack mode.
Alarm: YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO ENTER YOUR CODE NOW
Me: What the fuck?
It finally hit me that there was some sort of alarm installed in my house. I ran around the first floor looking for the something that would turn this shit off.
Alarm: YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO ENTER YOUR CODE NOW
I finally found it in the laundry room. What the fuck was the code? My palms were sweating as I punched in random numbers.
Alarm: INCORRECT CODE. INCORRECT CODE. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO ENTER YOUR CODE NOW.
"Oh shit," I said. I had no idea what was going to happen.
I closed my eyes for a full five seconds....and then....and then......nothing. Nothing at all.
I laughed. What a crappy alarm.
ALARM: LASERS HAVE BEEN DEPLOYED.THIS IS THE ALARM FORCE CENTRAL STATION. IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY.
"GAHHH!" I screamed out as 40 different red lasers surrounded me in the laundry room. I had nowhere to move. They looked like fucking light sabers. I could see the dust particles floating in their light. I dared not breathe.
ALARM: IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY.
"I FUCKING LIVE HERE" I screamed out.
ALARM: NO RESPONSE. NO RESPONSE. THE POLICE HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED.
"STUPID ALARM" I yelled. Fuck. Maybe there was some way to dodge the lasers.
ALARM: WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!
Nope.
The blaring was so fucking load I thought I was going to pop an eardrum. All of a sudden I heard my mom come barrelling out of the kitchen. FINALLY. Sweet, lovable mother. She would know what to do. I didn't even care that I was in trouble anymore.
I got out of the laundry room, past the lasers, and met her at the bottom of the stairs.
"Mom, what the heck is going on? Mom? Mom?" I looked at her. "Where are your glasses?"
Mom: WAPAS JAHANUM KOO JOW SHATAN KA COOTA BACHA!!!
Loose translation: go back into the depths of hell from which you came you devil-dog child of Satan.
Her next reaction was not so much verbal as it was physical.
She clubbed me in the face with a frying pan.
I'm ashamed to say I never saw it coming.
Several things happened in those few milliseconds. Time slowed down, yet sped up at the exact same time. Somewhere in Tennessee, a butterfly flapping its wings was causing an earthquake in Japan. I realized several truths: Duracell and Energizer were really just the same battery; they froze the caramel in the Caramilk bar then fused the two chocolate halves using a shell moulding plant; there was no right way to eat an Oreo.
My mother, the short, innocent, God-fearing women that I loved so dearly, knocked me out. I heard a sickening crack as my face connected with Teflon, but not much after that.
My nose healed pretty well after a few months. Good as new. You wouldn't even know that just a short while ago, it had been smashed to a bloody pulp by a 110 lb Indian woman. Still, I don't think the bones should grind like that every time I blow my nose. I don't think that's normal.
I guess it wasn't all bad though. Nowadays, every time my mom comes up with another crazy idea, I just give her a knowing look, and slowly tap my nose. She usually quiets down.
The week I was out of town camping with friends, my overprotective old lady installed the mother of all security systems in our home. This thing was so advanced that it monitored body heat and measured weight pressure in the carpets. It had motion detectors and lasers, various checkpoints to decode the alarm, as well a huge fucking command center that operated out of my parent's bedroom.
Unbeknownst to me, I came home from camping, keyless, ready to enter the deathtrap that was my home.
Due to my absent minded nature and frequent curfew breaking, I would often sneak into the house through the basement window. However, when I made my way to the side of the house this particular time, I crouched down and noticed thick metal bars blocking my path. That should have been a hint to anybody with half a brain that something was not quite right, but I was pretty tired and I wasn't functioning at normal human efficiency. It was probably more like crack addicted Jessica Simpson with Down syndrome efficiency.
I ran back to the front of the house and miraculously found a key under the mat. I pumped my fist in the air. Excelsior! I grabbed the key, shook off the little ants, and unlocked the door. My exhale of relief quickly turned into a sharp inhale of terror.
ALARM: PLEASE ENTER CODE NOW
Me: WAHHHHH! Who's there?!
ALARM: PLEASE ENTER CODE NOW
I kept looking around frantically to see who was talking.
Me: Who's there?! Come out you bastard!
I grabbed my Swiss army knife out of my backpack and got into attack mode.
Alarm: YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO ENTER YOUR CODE NOW
Me: What the fuck?
It finally hit me that there was some sort of alarm installed in my house. I ran around the first floor looking for the something that would turn this shit off.
Alarm: YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO ENTER YOUR CODE NOW
I finally found it in the laundry room. What the fuck was the code? My palms were sweating as I punched in random numbers.
Alarm: INCORRECT CODE. INCORRECT CODE. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO ENTER YOUR CODE NOW.
"Oh shit," I said. I had no idea what was going to happen.
I closed my eyes for a full five seconds....and then....and then......nothing. Nothing at all.
I laughed. What a crappy alarm.
ALARM: LASERS HAVE BEEN DEPLOYED.THIS IS THE ALARM FORCE CENTRAL STATION. IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY.
"GAHHH!" I screamed out as 40 different red lasers surrounded me in the laundry room. I had nowhere to move. They looked like fucking light sabers. I could see the dust particles floating in their light. I dared not breathe.
ALARM: IDENTIFY YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY.
"I FUCKING LIVE HERE" I screamed out.
ALARM: NO RESPONSE. NO RESPONSE. THE POLICE HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED.
"STUPID ALARM" I yelled. Fuck. Maybe there was some way to dodge the lasers.
ALARM: WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!
Nope.
The blaring was so fucking load I thought I was going to pop an eardrum. All of a sudden I heard my mom come barrelling out of the kitchen. FINALLY. Sweet, lovable mother. She would know what to do. I didn't even care that I was in trouble anymore.
I got out of the laundry room, past the lasers, and met her at the bottom of the stairs.
"Mom, what the heck is going on? Mom? Mom?" I looked at her. "Where are your glasses?"
Mom: WAPAS JAHANUM KOO JOW SHATAN KA COOTA BACHA!!!
Loose translation: go back into the depths of hell from which you came you devil-dog child of Satan.
Her next reaction was not so much verbal as it was physical.
She clubbed me in the face with a frying pan.
I'm ashamed to say I never saw it coming.
Several things happened in those few milliseconds. Time slowed down, yet sped up at the exact same time. Somewhere in Tennessee, a butterfly flapping its wings was causing an earthquake in Japan. I realized several truths: Duracell and Energizer were really just the same battery; they froze the caramel in the Caramilk bar then fused the two chocolate halves using a shell moulding plant; there was no right way to eat an Oreo.
My mother, the short, innocent, God-fearing women that I loved so dearly, knocked me out. I heard a sickening crack as my face connected with Teflon, but not much after that.
My nose healed pretty well after a few months. Good as new. You wouldn't even know that just a short while ago, it had been smashed to a bloody pulp by a 110 lb Indian woman. Still, I don't think the bones should grind like that every time I blow my nose. I don't think that's normal.
I guess it wasn't all bad though. Nowadays, every time my mom comes up with another crazy idea, I just give her a knowing look, and slowly tap my nose. She usually quiets down.