i hate my wife

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Jun 27, 2002
14,470
135
63
#1
After nearly ten years of marriage, I am slowly beginning to realize that my wife has been fucking with my head. Granted, as the typical male half of the species, I'm kinda slow when it comes to the sassy and subtle things she says to me.

Some friends of ours are going to take our eight-year-old son for the night. My wife tells me that I should thank my friend by telling him that thanks to his generous offer to watch out son, I will be getting laid.

"What? Am I getting laid tonight?" In retrospect, the question was stupid, and it was stupid to ask it.

"Of course not. But you'll have something funny to say to him."

The peener shriveled a little more. Like I really needed that suggested comic line. "Hey, guess what, you got the kid and I'm fuckin' the wife." I can come up with something funny on my own to say, thank you very much. I don't need suggestions that cruelly suggest a slight rise in blood pressure to the groinal regions would be needed, then pull that thought away so coldly with a dismissive "of course not."

And then, sitting in stunned state of mind, I realized that she's been doing this to me for quite some time.

My sexual advances toward my wife vary depending upon many factors, but heavily dependent upon desperation and frustration. I have heard her say before that honesty is important in a relationship.

"Honey, I honestly need to fuck you!"

That level of honesty got a lecture, followed by a shut out. "Why do you have to use THAT word?" That's how the lecture started, a lecture about the proper usage of the word "fuck." While the word "fuck" is a vulgar term for sexual intercourse, it is a word that she did not want to hear being directed toward her to describe the sweet intimacy that she engages in.

"What the fuck are you blabbering about?" Ah, complete shut down. No nooky this lunar cycle.

So, I reverse gears and try the suave approach. I get a chick flick DVD, sit at the end of the couch closest to the TV and let her lay out with her feet in my lap. She watches the movie with a glass of wine and me rubbing her tootsies, arch, heel, and inner calves. Several times, I hear low throaty groans from her. "Yes!" the peener shouts. The movie ends, and the credits roll.

"Honey, let go upstairs and make love (note—did not say "fuck")."

"Oh, I'm so relaxed now that I can't stay awake."

"FUUUCK!" yells peener.

I'm telling you, no winning. A couple of weeks ago, I'm reading the morning paper with a cup of coffee in my hand. I turn to the editorial page when she comes up and rubs her nipples on the side of my face. Now, tits purposely pushed in my face kinda get my attention. So, I look up at her.

"Good morning" she says coquettishly.

"Good morning" I say with guarded sexual caution.

She bends over and plants a big, wet kiss on me. This sort of startles me, because in some parts of the world this is a signal that someone wants, you guessed it, sex. But, the suddenness of it and the suggestion in her lips take me a bit back. I guess I apprehensively "kissed back."

"Hey" she says, pushing up cleavage, "try kissing me like you love me."

Hmm. This could be a suggestion for something more. Kid is not around, early weekend morning, she's practically naked, hmmm. Better not say "fuck" this time. Be clever, be smooth, hmm. Oh, this will do it.

"Do you want me to kiss you like we've been married for ten years, or like we've been dating for two weeks?" I ask.

She stands, rolls her eyes skyward in thought, then answers with the tip of her index finger on her lower lip.

"Like we've been dating for two weeks."

Now, I said I was slow. Slow like most guys that trod upon the earth. But, I'm no idiot. I grab her by the hand, whisk her off to the bedroom, and lightly fling her onto the bed. She giggles playfully—sounds like intercourse is going to happen. I lay along side her right side, slide my right hand up and cup her left breast, gently rolling stroking her nipple, as I plant a firm open mouthed (slight tongue) kiss on her. That goes on for a few seconds when I break away, planting little kisses along her jawline toward her earlobe, then aim for the neck when

"What should we have for breakfast?"

The brakes slammed on, the tires screeched, and the love caravan stopped. She wanted to know what we should eat for breakfast. I'm kissing your goddamned neck, woman, in a manner you requested, and you're trying to decide between sausage or bacon? Peener quickly, and I mean quickly deflated.

I did not say a word. I slowly lifted my head, and looked her in the eye. She had that sassy smile on her face. I seriously though of Dirty Sanchezing her right there and then. But I didn't. I pussed out. I slowly got up, got dressed, went outside and mowed the lawn.

As I pushed that mower around the yard, my mind churned over the whole incident. Kiss-me-like-we've-been-dating-for-two-weeks, then ask about breakfast. I started to doubt my abilities in bed. Have things gotten so mundane that I'd actually have to consider letting her strap on dildo fuck me in the ass to make her happy again. <Shudders> No way.

But then, I remember some other similar incidents. Telling me in the morning that had I not fallen asleep we could have had sex. Wait! I fell asleep waiting for you to finish reading that magazine! Or the chastisement in the morning "Why didn't you fuck me last night?!?" (Note: it's okay for her to use the word "fuck" to describe a sexual act when she's irritated).

"I'm sorry. You wanted to have sex last night?"

"Of course I did."

"You never said anything. In fact, you would not let me touch your ass because you were reading."

"Well, you should have been more insistent. Besides, I was wearing my special "I want sex" nightwear."

"What the hell are you blabbering about? You're not wearing anything special or anything that sends a signal that you want to fuck!" Yeah, I was irritated now, so using "fuck" was okay because, well hell, nothing was going to happen now. "You're wearing that oversized college t-shirt and your hole ridden Old Navy PJ bottoms!"

"Yeah, but I'm also wearing my thong."

I looked, and yes she was. Damn! I growled, got up, and got the paper.

I am convinced she's fucking with my head, in an attempt to get me to explode and die so that she can collect social security survivor benefits. As I slide into middle age, I realize now that getting sex is like participating in a game show.

"I'll take 'Will Beren Get Laid Tonight" for $500.00, Alex."
"The answer is, "We can watch 'Joan of Arcadia' in bed."
"What is 'NO?'"
 
Jun 27, 2002
14,470
135
63
#2
Dont pick up hitchikers

So I went to West Virginia to visit my cousins and aunt for the weekend.

We stop halfway to hang out with a family friend and my brother, who doesn't live with me. My dad calls me up and says to pack up; my other brother is stranded on Rt. 50, around 1.5 hours away. We get shit packed and ready to go, then head off.

2 hours later, after making numerous wrong turns and having to retrace our steps countless times, we finally see my brother's car on the side of the road. We stop behind him, and we've already deduced that somehow, the car overheated. The thermostat was sticking.

(For the people here who aren't auto-savvy, a thermostat in a automobile is like a thermometer. When it gets hot enough, it "opens" and allows water to pass through. This is to make the car be able to produce heat faster, so it's useless, really, in the summer.)

A hitchiker named Bobby was riding his bike along the side of the highway, and saw my brother. He offers some help, and since my dad had told Eric (my brother who got stranded) to just sit and wait until we arrived, they sit in the car for a while just talking and smoking.

We finally get there and realize this guy is very talkative. He actually does most of the work to the car, using guidelines from my dad so he doesn't screw up. We lost the bolt that holds the coolant tubing to the engine, and decided to give up for the night.

Because of Bobby's helpfulness, we offer to load his bike up in the truck and give him a place to stay for the night. Now, in West Virginia I got a new piece. It's a three inch tall glass chillum, with a very trippy zebra pattern. Somehow the topic of herb got brought up and I pack the bowl and proceed to smoke a few bowls of some white widow with him.

He starts talking. He's saying the fucking wierdest shit ever. Below, I will include a conversation that we had.

Bobby: You know, dude, it's like.. microwaves. You could be pressing the buttons too hard and one atom drops and explodes the moon. It's like, total fucking chaos, dude, the government plans it so the scooter explodes and splatters TVs all over the desert. It's like a fucking matrix, the whole concept of a computer. I've never used a computer in my life, but it's fucking wierd dude. I can't see how it works, it's like.. satellite transmissions or something. Make sure you burn that hamburger, it really makes it taste good. Oh, and add salt and pepper.

Me: Yeah. Like with me, I don't judge people based on what color or what style category they fall into. I treat everyone like a friend until they throw the first 'punch,' so to speak. I'm not a violent person, but shit happens and you just --

Bobby: Yeah man, like Ronald Reagan had the plan to atomize the entire fucking state of Delaware, but the marshmallows stopped him somehow, man, the fucking government. You're just a piece of dirt under their belt until you step up and start singing. Whooooaaaa, that light is red. Cool, man, you know?

That's just one part of the conversation. I was just randomly talking about shit to make him stop talking. I have a massive headache, now. Currently he is downstairs watching 'Popeye' on Cartoon Network.

Tomorrow he's supposed to go back and help finish fixing my brother's car so it doesn't get towed. But, I feel that we've done our part in society for a while. We helped a guy out who helped us out, although he turned out to be a nut.

Side Notes:
He claims to have hitched a ride from Bill Gates in a Ferarri.
He claims to have sold heroin to Kurt Cobain in Chicago and New York.
He claims to have had sex with Courtney Love before Kurt Cobain did.
He claims to have been at Woodstock '69, which I believe for some reason. He still seems to be tripping.

"You know, somehow the spaghetti in that refridgerator could overheat, and fly up a million miles into outer-space. Then, you could be walking down the street and the refridgerator could just shoot out at you, dude, like a fucking rocket.

He also used a lot of fucking cool words. The man is not a stupid man, he's just a little bit confused. He uses excellent grammar (for the most part.) He uses the big words in correct context and never contradicts himself. Probably because there's no way to contradict gibberish.
 
Jun 27, 2002
14,470
135
63
#3
Dont pick up hitchikers

So I went to West Virginia to visit my cousins and aunt for the weekend.

We stop halfway to hang out with a family friend and my brother, who doesn't live with me. My dad calls me up and says to pack up; my other brother is stranded on Rt. 50, around 1.5 hours away. We get shit packed and ready to go, then head off.

2 hours later, after making numerous wrong turns and having to retrace our steps countless times, we finally see my brother's car on the side of the road. We stop behind him, and we've already deduced that somehow, the car overheated. The thermostat was sticking.

(For the people here who aren't auto-savvy, a thermostat in a automobile is like a thermometer. When it gets hot enough, it "opens" and allows water to pass through. This is to make the car be able to produce heat faster, so it's useless, really, in the summer.)

A hitchiker named Bobby was riding his bike along the side of the highway, and saw my brother. He offers some help, and since my dad had told Eric (my brother who got stranded) to just sit and wait until we arrived, they sit in the car for a while just talking and smoking.

We finally get there and realize this guy is very talkative. He actually does most of the work to the car, using guidelines from my dad so he doesn't screw up. We lost the bolt that holds the coolant tubing to the engine, and decided to give up for the night.

Because of Bobby's helpfulness, we offer to load his bike up in the truck and give him a place to stay for the night. Now, in West Virginia I got a new piece. It's a three inch tall glass chillum, with a very trippy zebra pattern. Somehow the topic of herb got brought up and I pack the bowl and proceed to smoke a few bowls of some white widow with him.

He starts talking. He's saying the fucking wierdest shit ever. Below, I will include a conversation that we had.

Bobby: You know, dude, it's like.. microwaves. You could be pressing the buttons too hard and one atom drops and explodes the moon. It's like, total fucking chaos, dude, the government plans it so the scooter explodes and splatters TVs all over the desert. It's like a fucking matrix, the whole concept of a computer. I've never used a computer in my life, but it's fucking wierd dude. I can't see how it works, it's like.. satellite transmissions or something. Make sure you burn that hamburger, it really makes it taste good. Oh, and add salt and pepper.

Me: Yeah. Like with me, I don't judge people based on what color or what style category they fall into. I treat everyone like a friend until they throw the first 'punch,' so to speak. I'm not a violent person, but shit happens and you just --

Bobby: Yeah man, like Ronald Reagan had the plan to atomize the entire fucking state of Delaware, but the marshmallows stopped him somehow, man, the fucking government. You're just a piece of dirt under their belt until you step up and start singing. Whooooaaaa, that light is red. Cool, man, you know?

That's just one part of the conversation. I was just randomly talking about shit to make him stop talking. I have a massive headache, now. Currently he is downstairs watching 'Popeye' on Cartoon Network.

Tomorrow he's supposed to go back and help finish fixing my brother's car so it doesn't get towed. But, I feel that we've done our part in society for a while. We helped a guy out who helped us out, although he turned out to be a nut.

Side Notes:
He claims to have hitched a ride from Bill Gates in a Ferarri.
He claims to have sold heroin to Kurt Cobain in Chicago and New York.
He claims to have had sex with Courtney Love before Kurt Cobain did.
He claims to have been at Woodstock '69, which I believe for some reason. He still seems to be tripping.

"You know, somehow the spaghetti in that refridgerator could overheat, and fly up a million miles into outer-space. Then, you could be walking down the street and the refridgerator could just shoot out at you, dude, like a fucking rocket.

He also used a lot of fucking cool words. The man is not a stupid man, he's just a little bit confused. He uses excellent grammar (for the most part.) He uses the big words in correct context and never contradicts himself. Probably because there's no way to contradict gibberish.
 
Jun 27, 2002
14,470
135
63
#4
Crazy Bill

Their after me they all are, The ninjas, the C.I.A., the F.B.I. (actually the C.I.A. and the F.B.I are at war right now over which one of them will invade canada first and which one will invade mexico last)The pirates, the Boy Scouts, the girl scouts, the mailmen, the firefighters, the U.C.O.A(united clowns of america), the color orange, the word stuff, the man who invented strained peas, the guy who mowed my yard 15 years ago, Al Capone, Abe Lincoln,(you only think their dead they are secretely being cloned and visited me one night and told me how they escaped and how they had plans to take over the world, see Abe Lincoln is going to shock the world by running for president in the year 2020. by t his time Al Capone will have massed a fortune for Abe to do it. And by this time Abe will be so well liked and respected that he will automatically be accepted into office.

Then he will begin his plans of world domination with Al Capone as his Co Captain (not Vice President). They will change the Vice President title to Co Captain, And they will Nuke Congress and hold the supreme court hostage in one court room so they can ramble on amongst each other and argue until they die. Then by this time Abe And Al Capone will be the only people left to run the country and Bill Gates will come in and say "NOT SO FAST ABE LINCOLN I CREATED YOU AND NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU, YOU TOO CAPONE". Abe says "NO YOU DIDNT Y OU BASTARD I WAS CREATED BY LENNOX MUAHAHAHAHAH AND SO WAS CAPONE". BILL GATES SAYS "DAMNT I COULD'VE SAVE THE WORLD IF I HAD A MONOPOLY ON THE DAMN COMPUTER MARKET BUT NO EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SAYING HOW MICROSOFT IS EVIL AND HOW WE SUCK, BUT SEE WHAT YOUR PRECIOUS LENNOX HAS DONE YOU BASTARDS NOW THE EARTH IS GOING TO DIE BY THEIR HANDS, I want a smoothie bye!

THEN CAPONE AND LINCOLN WILL DECLARE WAR ON CHINA AND FORCE RUSSIA TO BOMB ANTARCTICA STARTING A WAR WITH THE POLAR BEARS. And the polar bears will come down and take over the country mongolia and mingle with humans there and create a whole new species, the new species will defy such logic that all the gay and bi people will turn straight. Then all the former gay and bi people will join forces with the polar bears and destroy and take over china. and mingle with the chinese and convert them. The russians and Abe lincoln and Al Capone will declare war on the new china. And Abe Lincoln is going to change the name of America to Turd Town.

THEN santa clause will come down with HO HO HO and shout MERRY SHITMAS and steal abe's hat and take a dump in it. then santa will fly to the moon to start a colony away from earth and declare war on earth.

to find out what happens next look for a later version of CRAZY BILLS CONSPIRACY THEORIES oh and the picture below is CRAZY BILL
 

RIX

Sicc OG
Dec 6, 2002
2,148
0
0
40
#11
ON THA WIFE TOPIC.... TELL YO WIFE TO QUIT TRIPPIN YO ESP IF U PAYIN THA BILLZ N BRINGIN HOME THA SAUSAGE LOL I MEAN BACON