"I HATE MY JOB" rants.....

[mustynutz]

white folks is crazy

You’re goddamn right I did. I’m sick of this shit! Whoever came up with that “the customer is always right” bullshit must have been a customer. I’ve reached my tolerance limit for stupidity. I figure that if we, as employees can be fired for unsatisfactory performance, then the customer can be fired for… whatever the fuck I feel like firing them for.

I was helping this bitch with her IRA account a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to transfer her account from Washington Mutual to ________ Bank and open a new account. Cool. I told her that she just had to get WAMU to send the money to us, and we’d take care of it from there. And I repeated - we have no control of the money coming from WAMU. We can only deal with it once it gets here.

They were supposed to send 2 checks. We only received one. I called the bitch on a Friday and told her we had one of the checks. I didn’t hear from her until the following Tuesday. She’s mad because we haven’t received the check, but she’s not mad at WAMU for not sending it. She wants me to figure out what’s going on. So I break her off again - we have no control of the money coming from WAMU. We can only deal with it once it gets here. So I can’t make that call for you, bitch. You need to call them.

So WAMU fucks her over a few more times, then decides to get it right and set everything in motion. She calls the bank today looking for the manager. I answered the phone, and I kinda recognized her voice. I ask if I can tell the manager who’s calling, and she goes, “No - just get him on the phone.”

Aight, bitch…

So I get him on the phone. She proceeds to tell him that although I seem like a nice enough person, it appears that I haven’t made her situation a priority. She feels like i’ve understated her sense of urgency and so forth. It’s nothing against me personally, but she has decided that she doesn’t want to deal with me anymore.

Bitch.

I can deal with that. I don’t like w**** folks anyway, because they do shit like that to you. (Come to think of it, so does everybody else.) But that shit right there kinda turned me off. I try to help a bitch, but now she doesn’t wanna deal with me. Cool. Don’t say shit to me bitch.

My manager’s like, “Don’t take it personally.”

“But she said that she didn’t want to deal with me. That’s a personal issue. Just because her dumb ass says that i’m a nice guy doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have anything against me. I hate a lot of extremely nice people. I usually don’t care when somebody doesn’t like me. In fact, i’d prefer it because people will leave me alone. But I went beyond the call of duty to help this heifer, and now she’s trying to write me off because of some shit that’s out of my control. Fuck her.”

“It’s really not that serious, Damien.”

“You’re right - it’s not.”

Later that afternoon, the scallywag comes back. Apparently she’s had a change of heart. She’s all happy and smiling and shit…

“Hey, Damien! How’s it going? Could you help me out with-”

“Nah, can’t do that.”

“Sorry?”

“I can’t help you out. As a matter of fact, i’ve fired you. I’m no longer working with you.”

“What do you mean by “fired”?”

“I’m firing you as a customer. I did what I could to help you, but apparently you saw things differently. Therefore… somebody else is going to have to help you.”

“But I just-”

“Just have a seat and the next available person will help you. Thanks.”

{Exit stage left}

(bitch.)

 

[mustynutz]

I’m Sure You Know This Already, But…
Filed under: Corporate Whore— damien @ 3:26 pm
White people are crazy. It’s a well-documented fact. I don’t get them sometimes. I’m sorry - I never get them. You’ll probably see me make frequent reeferences to them and their antics from here on out. Don’t worry, everybody else will get their chance - i’m an equal opportunity racist.

Anyway, this crazy bitch comes in today. (This is the kind of shit that only happens to me.) She tells me that she wants to open a new checking account, but there’s one catch: she’s a numerologist, and all of the numbers in the account number have to add up to an absolute value of 8. 8 is apparently her lucky number. I can’t make this shit up.

So we’re going through a long ass list of aaccount numbers, and she’s adding them sumbitches up for real… there was one that equaled the number 4 and she physically threw that one down. Apparently, the number 4 is unlucky when it comes to money. There were a few that totaled 11, but she was unaffected by those because, as she describes, 11 is an immutable number. Whatever. She found one that equaled 8, and she was on cloud nine (bad pun intended).

I couldn’t open her account fast enough. She was telling me about this recital that they’re having at her Unitarian church and how I should consider joining, etc. She started asking me my birthdate and shit… trying to run numerology on my ass - no sir! Then she started breaking down what each number meant to her, and I pretended like I was the most interested person on earth. I didn’t hear shit that she said. She could have called my mother a toeless cow and I wouldn’t have known the difference.

That’s just one example. I could write dialogues about white folks, but that would be unfair to every other ethnicity that needs to be clowned (my folks included).

Someone please put me out of my misery….

 

[mustynutz]

Ladies and gentlemen, something groundbreaking occurred today…

Somebody looked me square in the eye and said, ”Thank you.”

I didn’t know what to say. The phrase sounded almost foreign to me. I’ve become so accustomed to being bitched and screamed at that I forgot that a lot of what I do actually involves helping people out.This one guy was having some serious issues with his accounts, and over the course of 2 weeks I got him back in line. He also went on to say that out of all the experiences he’s ever had with banks / merchants / vendors / retailers / cable companies / you name it, nobody has ever shown such a genuine concern in correcting a problem for him.

If someone really goes out of their way to help you out, make sure you sincerely thank them for their efforts. It goes a long way.

I’ll admit - I felt pretty good about myself. I started thinking about the other times that i’ve helped people and how it brought smiles to their faces. It might sound sappy, but I get a kick out of doing good for people (if they deserve it). Just hearing that dude tell me “Thank you” pretty much made my day.

The next person that I helped came in bitching and screaming.
That fucked everything up.
I hate this place.

 

[mustynutz]

White people are crazy. It’s a well-documented fact. I don’t get them sometimes. I’m sorry - I never get them. You’ll probably see me make frequent reeferences to them and their antics from here on out. Don’t worry, everybody else will get their chance - i’m an equal opportunity racist.

Anyway, this crazy bitch comes in today. (This is the kind of shit that only happens to me.) She tells me that she wants to open a new checking account, but there’s one catch: she’s a numerologist, and all of the numbers in the account number have to add up to an absolute value of 8. 8 is apparently her lucky number. I can’t make this shit up.

So we’re going through a long ass list of aaccount numbers, and she’s adding them sumbitches up for real… there was one that equaled the number 4 and she physically threw that one down. Apparently, the number 4 is unlucky when it comes to money. There were a few that totaled 11, but she was unaffected by those because, as she describes, 11 is an immutable number. Whatever. She found one that equaled 8, and she was on cloud nine (bad pun intended).

I couldn’t open her account fast enough. She was telling me about this recital that they’re having at her Unitarian church and how I should consider joining, etc. She started asking me my birthdate and shit… trying to run numerology on my ass - no sir! Then she started breaking down what each number meant to her, and I pretended like I was the most interested person on earth. I didn’t hear shit that she said. She could have called my mother a toeless cow and I wouldn’t have known the difference.

That’s just one example. I could write dialogues about white folks, but that would be unfair to every other ethnicity that needs to be clowned (my folks included).

Someone please put me out of my misery….

 

[mustynutz]

As you probablly know by now, i’m trying to leave this shithole of a job. I’m at the point now where i’ve even stopped pretending to work. Usuall I don’t get to that point until about a year or so into the job. But this place sucks worse than any other place i’ve worked.

There’s one very important thing that you should always do before I quit a job: prepare a “Job Quitting Kit”. This ensures that you fully utilize the resources available at your current job. (In other words, pimp the shit out of ‘em!) These are critical components to any Job Quitting Kit:

1. Phone numbers and addresses of everybody in your work location.
Especially the folks that you’re cool with. If you need good references from a bad job, it’s always good to keep one in the chamber. Unfortunately for me, I don’t really care for anybody at this job. I probably won’t get any references when I leave.

2. A few copies of your boss’ business cards
This is especially important if you can’t get a good referral from anybody. You can always forge a reference if there’s not one available. Once you throw in the card, it’s usually all good. If you’re worried about the potential new job calling them, just check the box on the application that says you don’t want them calling previous employers.

3. Company Letterhead
Just get a stack of it. Again, this is pretty important if you ever need anything “verified”. Potential employers NEVER check the authenticity of letters. They just wanna see the letterhead.

4. Customer lists
If you’re in any type of sales environment, print out a list of all the clients that you can - even other people’s clients. If you’re planning on going back into the same field, this is a valuable tool. You have an instant client base. Hell, I still have client lists from my last 3 employers. I’m not fucking around…

5. Office Supplies
I haven’t bought office supplies in 7 years? Why? Because my job has. From the day I get on at a job, i’m coming up on some office supplies. I figure that if i’m not getting paid what i’m worth, I might as well get compensated for that gap. When I know that i’m about to leave a job, I up the ante. Instead of pens and envelopes, i’m walking out with reams of printer paper and staplers. I don’t play around when it comes to office supplies. Come to my crib and you’ll see boxes of shit from various jobs.

6. Free Gifts, etc
Especially shirts. I’ve worked in banks for the longest, so i’m used to coming across everything from coffee mugs to travel bags to… you name it. I make it a point to get at least one of EVERYTHING before I leave. If it’s unbranded, it might make a good gift for someone down the line. I especially like the polo-style shirts that I always end up with. My father has an extensive supply of shirts from Chase, Bank Of America, and wherever i’ve been. I do have a shirt from ________ Bank, but my dog decided that he deserved it more than I did. It currently lines his dog pen. Strangely enough, i’m not mad a him…

7. (And most importantly) - take one item from your job that you KNOW they’ll miss, even if it’s the most insignificant little trinket. When I left Bank of America, I took the deposit endorsement stamp that we used if somebody forgot to endorse their checks. Most people didn’t consider that to be very important, but the next time that somebody walked in to do a business deposit with 30 unendorsed checks, it came to their attention. When I left Chase, I took the dri-erase board that we used to show the meeting schedule for the week. We had millions of meetings, and the only way to keep up with them was put them on that board. They never noticed that I took it. Sucks for them right now…

Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be one step ahead of the game when you quit your shitty job.

I hate my job.

 

[mustynutz]

Remember when I told you that my branch was under the gun? Yeah. Because of that, they’re really pushing for us to set more appointments with clients to discuss investments. The one thing I hate to do is to tell my coworkers who i’m meeting with and how much money we’re looking at. I feel like i’m jinxing myself. However, my branch manager insisted that I give him a list of appointments. I didn’t have any appointments set up for last Friday, so i quickly made one up.

Since I didn’t have a legitimate appointment set up, I had to think of something fast. I know - i’ll call “24/7″. He’s always at work, and he’ll help me out!

It basicall went down like this: I told him to call me, and I made sure that somebody else answered the phone. When I got the phone, I pretended that He was calling to cancel. When I got off the phone, I faked being pissed off - and they bought it.

A couple of weeks before that, I lied about another appointment and had 24/7 call the branch while I was out at lunch to “break an appointment”. It also worked then. That’s what actually gave me the idea for this one. Bad part is - I can’t really do that anymore without raising suspicion. My goal now is to come up with creative ways of making it appear as if i’m working without actually doing anythig. I would normally feel guilty about this, but I hate my fucking job.

 

[mustynutz]

I hate my sorry ass job.

I’m a fucking professional. I’m very good at what I do. I have more experience than a lot of the people that I report to. I’m an absolutely competent financial advisor.

Why the fuck are you trying to “role play” with me?

The branch that I work in has been under the gun for a while because it has traditionally underperformed in sales.. Most of this has been due to a considerable amount of turnover in the last few years. When I got hired, it marked the first time in 5 years that the branch had a fully operational staff. It’s only been that way for about 3 full months.

Of course, regional management could give a shit about the branch being understaffed or whatever. They just look at numbers. They don’t care that we doubled our monthly goal for March (our first full month); they just care that we’re behind for the quarter. In light of this, they decided to send in our regional Investment Manager. (Why?) In order to save her own ass, she had to spend the day in the branch to “coach” us and whatnot.

Come on now…

Our morning group meeting consisted of the Investment lady basically calling us losers for an hour… She got the good old expressionless ice grill from me. No expression on my face for a full hour - and I didn’t break eye contact. She seemed a little uneasy about that. After her hour-long rant, she informed us that she would be holding “one on ones” with each of us during the day. The best part? We would be doing “role plays” with her.

I don’t know if you’ve had any experience with this before, but role plays are one of the gayest training activities created by man. I’m supposed to sit in front of this broad and pretend like she’s one of the dumb asss customers that I run into on a daily basis.

The other two reps in the office took their turns with her,and each one became a little frazzled because of it. But me - I don’t give a fuck. I’m not doing a gay ass role play.

My turn comes up just after lunch, when i’m nice and full. I’m burping and shit. My tie is untied. I ate pretty well. I’m burping and shit. I don’t give a fuck. She says, “The first thing we’re going to do is list your strengths and weaknesses. That way, we can reinforce what you do well, and uncover any development opportunities that you may have.”

Opportunities? I like how corporate folks spin that word to make it sound more positive…

“I’m going to write down what I see as your strengths… 1. You’re very knowledgeable of investments… 2. You’re very personable and friendly to your clients (what the fuck has she been watching?)… 3. You do an excellent job of profiling the clients and listening… ” and she names a few other things that I forget.

“Now, as far as weaknesses go, i’d have to say that your only weakness is closing the sale. Would you agree with that?”

“What are you basing that observation on?”

“Well, i’m just looking at your numbers; they don’t seem to be up to par with some of the other reps.”

“Hmm… okay. Let me ask you a question. How long has it been since I got my securities license transferred here?”

“I’d imagine 2 or 3 months.”

“No - it’s been 3 1/2 weeks. When you say that my production is not up to speed with other reps, are you saying that it’s not up to speed with other reps that have been doing their thing for 3 1/2 weeks?”

“No - most of them have been on the job here for a couple of years.”

“So you’re saying that someone who’s new to the company with no client base should be producing numbers like someone who’s been in it for like 18 years?”

“Well, no but…”

“That’s where i’m becoming confused. It’s like comparing apples to old, moldy apples. I don’t think it’s a fair assessment to judge me against people who have been here so much longer than I have.”

“I can understand that. It’s just that regional is putting pressure on me, so I have to take accountability somewhere.”

“Tell you what. I invite you and / or ‘regional’ to come and watch what I do for a week. If any of you see any weakness in what I do, then you can hold me accountable.”

“There’s really no way that we can dedicate that much time to something like that.”

“If you don’t see what’s happening firsthand, how can you make a fair assessment?”

“Let’s do this - why don’t we just do a role play so that I can get a good sense of how you present yourself?”

“I don’t really think that would be effective. Let’s do a REVERSE role play. I’ll play the typical customer, and YOU be the banker.”

She relectantly agreed. Best believe that I her up like a typical customer. Of course - I stumped her. Her feathers got ruffled….

“Your customers aren’t really like that, are they?”

“Like I said before: sit in with me for a day and you’ll see that i’m not exaggerating.”

“Hmm… Well, I think we’ve done all that we need to do for the day. Just look over that list of strengths and weaknesses and see if there’s anything you can improve on.”

Whatever.

Fuck a role play. What’s so difficult about just observing shit when it happens. I’m so sick of this shit.

 

[mustynutz]

Just to kind of finish off what I started last time…

I had a talk with my mother on Friday. I actually spoke with her while was at work. There were 2 or 3 people that needed help, but I just ignored them. I made it look like my phone call was infinitely more important than it actually was. (Come to think of it, maybe it was.)

She could tell that something was bothering me. Honestly, there wasn’t anything different about that day: same shit, same headaches. I couldn’t really put my foot on it. I mean, i’ve only been at this shitty ass job for 3 months. I couldn’t possibly be burnt out, could I?

My parents come from a time where you get a job and stay at that bitch for 40 years. When you retire, you get a pension on top of your retirement and spend the rest of your days taking bus trips to the casino. That’s not the world I live in.

I work in a world where you’re paid salary without overtime; so it’s conceivable to work a 60 hour week without any additional benefit to you. My generation spends more time away from home. We get married and start families later in life. My parents could raise 2 kids through college making salaries in the mid to high $30s. Try to do that today. On top of that, the job market is tougher than any other that my generation has been through. The precentage of self-employed people seems to diminish with each generation, so you have more people (like myself) who walk that long, winding road to becoming corporate whores. Put all of that together, and you get one big ass headache.

My mother’s been at the sme job for 30 years. My father was self-employed all his life until last year. He finally bit the bullet and realized that retirement age is right around the corner. I’m kind of a mix of both of them. I have the entreprenurial spirit of my father, and (until recently) the steadfastness of my mother. I usually don’t have a problem with staying at a job. it’s just that the last 3 years have really challenged psychologically.

I hate being dormant all fucking day. I’m sure that most of my weight gain over the last several years can be blamed on the dormant corporate lifestyle. I mean, I sit behind a fucking desk for 8 hours a day… my fingers get more exercise than my heart. I don’t really have the time to sit down for a nutritionally sound meal during lunch. Since i’m in a position that deals with customers a lot, it’s also a high-stress relationship. I’m confronted with issues all day everyday. That shit can take a toll on you after a while. It’s not healthy.

So I basically told my mother that my job is unhealthy for me - physically and mentally. She kind of laughed it off at first, but then it began to sink in. This shit is going to kill me. Not the part about having a job - just the type of job I have. I used to work at Target a looooong time ago, and it was actually enjoyable. I got to move around; I was pretty autonomous; no sales goals or shit like that; no extensive customer service beyond “we don’t have that - I don’t know when it’s coming in”. The downside was that I was piss poor because I didn’t get paid shit.

I told her that i needed to do something that allowed me to ove around; interact with people in a more positive manner; doesn’t require a tie; and pays respectably. (At least until I get the music thing going - then i’ll be piss poor again.) That’s what really fucks with me now. Annoying people are only secondary to the frustrations of being in the financial industry itself. I really need to get out of here. I have 3 months until my personal deadline…

I hate my fucking job.

 

[mustynutz]

St. Patty’s Day
Filed under: Corporate Whore— damien @ 3:20 pm
Another useless “holiday”…

I’m up to about 90% now. I got smacked around by the flu for a few days, but i’m back to my old bad-natured, loathing, hateful self. If another person asks me why i’m not wearing green today, i’m gonna cough on them. For real. I’m not Irish… but I did eat Lucky Charms for breakfast. That’s as good as it’ll get.

Joe

In any retail environment, you’ll have a gang of “usual suspects” who come through on a daily basis. As i’m sure you’re aware by now, my bank gets a lot of the same gray hair coming in everyday. It’s bad enough dealing with them. It’s another thing to deal with “Joe”.

Obviously, “Joe” isn’t his real name. If anyone ever found out where I worked and knew his real name, they could easily find him out. Joe is one of those guys who doesn’t have any money, but believes that he does. He tries any and every way to get the hook up at the bank. It’s annoying. On top of that, he’s culturally insensitive. I’ll explain in a second.

Joe is broke. He has his own insurance company, but he’s broke. He makes ends meet by drawing cash advances from his credit cards. Not good. Your boy has a very high negative net worth. He’s the type of dude that gets by because everybody likes him. More specifically, he forces people to pretend like they like him. He tries his best to flatter people. I mean, REALLY flatter people. But he doesn’t realize how fucking insensitive he is. This is how he stepped up to me today:

“Damien! How’s it hangin’, bro-thah?”

Ugh. I don’t even know if black folks still use “brother”. It’s another thing when white folks try too hard to slang it out. I’d rather have him say “brother” - the normal, Webster’s dictionary way. He just sounded so pale with it. And he was loud…

So I hit him back with my best Carlton Banks / Bryant Gumbel: “Hello there, Joe. And how are things this fine day?”

I don’t think he took it too well. He just kinda gave me that little half smile thing that folks give you when you pass by them four times a day but don’t really feel like “hi” every time.

So then he goes over to one of the tellers, who’s originally from Mexico. She’s fluent in English, but has a thick Spanish accent (as one would imagine). Again, he’s loud as hell…

“Hey, how’s it going, senorita? Doin’ muy bueno, huh? I notice the rain’s cleared up a bit - it’s about time. Does your husband still do landscaping? Well, he’s going to be pretty busy this week when the grass dries up. Is he from Mexico, too? Does he speak English pretty well? Does he speak it at all? Tell him that if he ever needs some extra work to come by my office. I can dig up a few projects for him.”

I couldn’t tell if old girl was offended or not, but I could see that some of the other customers in the branch appeared a little shocked. That dude is about as dense as a brick. People like that don’t even offend me. In fact, most racism doesn’t get to me, as long as I can turn it back on them. At least i’m an equal opportunity racist - I don’t like anybody.

 

[mustynutz]

First of all - fuck Washington Mutual.

After that fiasco, I hit the internet grind and filled out more applications than I could keep up with. I didn’t even care about who or what I was applying for. I just needed that J.O.B. After a couple of weeks of pounding it it out, I finally got a call from Compass bank for an interview. After the situation with WAMU (and other previous experiences) I was already jaded going into this one. Balls were against the wall….

The position was a small step up from what I had previously done at Chase, but a slight drop in pay. (I’ll admit - Chase overpaid me for what I did.) I was cool with it. This position would at least live up to my qualifications and make good use of my skills.

The first interview (note that I said first) was a couple of blocks from my crib at the regional headquarters. I wasn’t mad about that. I even put on my one good suit. See - I have 3 suits in all, but I wear my gray suit for interviews. I’ll have a story on suits / corporate dress later. I have a lot of shit to say about that…

I can honestly say that the interview went well. The HR lady that interviewed me read from a standard list of questions, and pretended to understand my answers. Most of the questions dealt with investments and financial advising, of which she didn’t know SHIT. I made my answers as complex and confusing to her as I possibly could. I know for a fact that she couldn’t understand whatever the hell I was saying. Fine by me. After I ran my mouth long enough, she brought the interview to a close and expressed how impressed she was at what I had to say. Whatever. Just give me the job, beeyotch!!!

So she tells me that she’s going to let me interview with the branch manager at the location for which I was interviewing. Normally, I would have to interview with 2 more people before got to him, but she felt that I was good enough to skip over that. I hate being misled…

Now here’s the fucked up part: when we’re done, she says, “Here, take a few of my business cards. If you have any friends that are looking for positions here, have them call me.”

I’m thinking:

You got me fucked up. I’ll be damned if I try to get anybody a job before I get mine.

Despite that, I still left the interview feeling confident about my chances.

More on this tomorrow…. some old lady just walked in the door and she looks like she needs help.

Fuck - she’s trembling and shit…

 

[mustynutz]

When I left off last time, I was undergoing torture in the guise of a group interview with Washington Mutual Bank (WAMU). After all of the silly ass parading by the clowns trying to get hired and the 3 rounds of WAMU trivia that we had to participate in, it was time for the second round of interviews, this time with the branch managers that were interested in interviewing us individually for their respective locations.

Like I said before, this dude I used to work with referred me to some folks up there, and a team at this particular location was very impressed with my resume. They pulled me to the side and decided to ask some “additional” questions. Funny thing was - they were the exact same questions that we were asked in the group interview! Wow. That’s some bullshit…

I played the game and answered the questions, telling myself that this was the first time that I had been asked. I could tell that this was kind of a formality for them, and they had already decided that I was the person for the job. Then came the question:

“When can you start?”

This is where things get a little complicated. See, I was about to go out of town for about a month. I couldn’t back out of it, either. I decided that the best thing to do was to be up front and let them know - if they want me then they’re gonna have to wait a month.

“I can start roughly a month from now. I’m going out of town in two days, and I won’t be back until the 28th of October, which is a Tuesday.”

“Can you start on the 29th?”

“Honestly, I don’t know if I can. See, i’ll be out of the country for that month, and I doubt that I can be very productive the day after I get back. Would it be too much of a stretch to wait until the following Monday?”

“Well, we kinda wanted to fill the position ASAP…”

“Well, if it’s a burden for you to wait that long, it might be worth your time to interview some more people. I wouldn’t want you to hold up that position just for ME.”

(I was actually being sincere.)

“We’re extremely impressed by your resume, so we really don’t want to let you slip away.”

“Tell you what - I don’t want you to put yourself into a hole. I get back on the 28th. I’ll call you on the 29th to let you know what’s up. If you feel like you need to fill the position in the meantime, then do so. I won’t hold it against you.”

(Like that would really matter.)

“That sounds like a good. We’d feel so guilty if we felt like we missed out on you and had to settle for someone less qualified.”

“But at the same time, your business still needs to move forward. I’d understand if you had to.” (The main reason why I was so “understanding” was because the job didn’t really pay shit. It was merely a last option.)

“Okay, we’ll be waiting on your call on the 29th. In the meantime, we’ll decide what we’re going to do on our end. Just in case - go ahead and fill out this application. That way, if things work out in your favor, it won’t take anything to get you in the system.”

“Umm… Okay… cool…”

(Dumb asses)

So I go out of town for a month. When you’re gone for that long, you don’t really care about coming back to work at all. Therefore, I was reluctant to call these fools back on the first place. But when I got home on the 28th, this is what I heard on my answering machine:

“Umm… Damien… this is ________ at Washington Mutual. It’s Tuesday the 27th. I was just calling to see if you were coming in today like we discussed.”

Umm…yeah… this bitch is dumB…

“Whenever you get a chance, give me a call so that I can se how we want to proceed with this.”

Oh yeah, she got a call - on the 29th. Just like I told her the month before.

“This is Damien. What’s up?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m back in Houston.”

“No - I mean - where are you in relation to coming to work today?”

“I didn’t realize that I was coming in today.”

“Obviously. We’ve been expecting you to come in for the last two days. We haven’t gottena word from you.”

“I told you that i’d call you today. I was on another continent two days ago.”

“That’s not what I had in my notes.”

“No, I specifically said - is this the same ________ that I spoke to a month ago?”

“Yes.”

“And you don’t recall me saying that if you wanted the position filled immediately, to keep interviewing?”

“You were supposed to be here on the 27th.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. As a matter of fact, we’ve already processed your paper work and have assigned you a rep number.”

“So i’m on the payroll?”

“Yes.”

“Wow. How about this - i’ll give you a call back later when I get my thoughts together.”

“Please call back soon…”

So I waited 3 1/2 minutes. I thought about how fucked up the whole situation was. I realized that if I took this job, they would have it out for me from day one. Fuck em. Fuck em all.

“Yeah, is ______ there?”

“This is she.”

“This is Damien calling you back.”

“Already?”

“Yeah, i’m not going to take the position. I found something elsewhere.”

“But I thought-”

“Thanks. Have a good day.”

About 2 days after that, I got a check from WAMU for a week of work. Best believe I cashed that bitch.

Suckers…

Tomorrow: “How I Ended Up At ________ Bank, Part 3: Compass Bank”

 

[mustynutz]

I was originally going to give you part II of “How I Ended Up At ________ Bank”, but I came across an article on msn.com that caught my attention. It basically talks about what I discussed yesterday with the whole “group interview” thing. I found this article particularly amusing and unrealistic. I’m offering my personal commentary on what the article discusses. By the way, this is being reprinted without permission; if you know anyone from msn.com, tell them to kiss my ass…

Surviving a Group Interview

Let’s face it. Few people encounter the traditional one-on-one, face-to-face interview anymore. Many companies utilize panel interviews to save time and give multiple employees the opportunity to interact with a candidate in a similar situation. Interviewers are able to see the candidate in the same light and can then easily share notes and thoughts about the candidate following the interview. While many job seekers find this situation intimidating and challenging, there are ways to succeed when being grilled by more than one person at a time. Here are a few suggestions.

Damien’s Note: This is a bullshit attempt to condition job seekers into believing that this is a good way to interview candidates. ”…to save time and give multiple employees the opportunity to interact with a candidate in a similar situation…”? Bullshit. They just wanna get you in and out. I don’t feel like “interacting” with anybody that’s competing with me to get the bills paid. I’m only worried about myself.

1. Make eye contact with and speak to everyone in the room.
Although you may be interviewing with one senior team member and several subordinates, it is important to treat every member of the interviewing team with the same amount of respect. You can do this by paying attention to each individual in the room. Acknowledge the individual who asks you a question first, but then vary your eye contact from person to person as you give your answers. Keeping all parties involved in the interview will demonstrate that you are a team player rather than someone who only wants to make a good impression with the “top dog.”

Damien’s Note: As long as all of the interviewers are sitting by each other, i’m straight. I don’t have the energy to keep cranking my neck so that the unimportant folks seem more important. I’m all about getting in with the person that’s handing out the checks. I don’t feel like making anybody’s secretery feeling like “part of the group”. The secretary already has a job. She shouldn’t be worried about all of that. See, people try to make you think that group interviews are a more effiecent means of interviewing candidates. Companies really do it because they’re getting cheaper. It takes fewer man-hours to throw all 3 or 4 of the people that you’re interviewing into the same room. It’s that simple. The biggest downside is - their attention is divided by the other 12 monkeys in the room vying for attention.

2. Try to read and respond to different personality types and responsibilities.
It’s no secret that humans like to talk about themselves and tend to be more satisfied when they feel their needs are met. You can often figure out what kind of relationship the interviewers have with each other just by being observant and listening to the information between the lines. Once you have done this and have figured out who plays what role and what each individual’s personality type is, you can then speak to these different personality types in a subtle way.

Damien’s Note: Again - that’s taking up too much energy. Just let me know who does the hiring; that’s the only relationship that I need to figure out. I can tell up front which folks at the company are sleeping together, which ones hate each other, and which ones are full of shit. But i’m not worried about them… i’m trying to get that J.O.B.

3. Take them one at a time.
Remember that, even in a panel interview, you are being judged by individuals with different thoughts and feelings. Each person will have his or her own agenda and the more you can pick up on those agendas, the better you can use them to your advantage. For example, a human resources manager might want to learn about how you work in a team environment, while a department manager will want to know more about specific skills and capabilities. Make sure your answers satisfy the needs of all the interviewers in the room.

Damien’s Note: If you have to think about all that, why not just split them up like most companies still do? I don’t want to think about how I need to adjust my shit because this or that person has an agenda. I’m gonna tell you what I can do to fill that position. I know that i’m coming across as selfish, but I don’t believe in putting on airs when i’m interviewing for a job. A lot of people do that and change as soon as they get on the payroll. That’s when they start to fuck with you. I give them who I am from Day 1. If they don’t like it (and there’s no reason why they should dislike me), then they shouldn’t bother from the beginning.

4. Be prepared.
There is no substitute for solid interview preparation, and doing your homework is the best way to come out of a panel interview feeling like a rock star. Before you go to your interview, research the company and, if possible, different departments. Make sure you understand the job description and the direction the company is taking so you can address the company’s strategy, successes and challenges. And, ask the interview coordinator about its structure, who the interviewers are, and how many you’ll be meeting with at a time. This will give you an opportunity to learn about each individual’s department and think ahead about each department’s needs.

Damien’s Note: I see all the info I need on Monster.com. You know - the part that says ‘Positions Available”. With the way the economy works these days, I just need to know if they’re hiring.

5. Pay attention to names and use them.
When you walk into a panel interview, you will be introduced to several people and will quickly be told what each individual’s role is. As hard as it is to pick up on names and other facts in a stressful situation, do your best to retain whatever personal information you can. When you meet and shake hands with each individual, repeat that person’s name, either out loud by saying, “nice to meet you, John,” or simply in your head. You will then be able to refer to each person by name, which will make a big impression on the group.

Damien’s Note: I can’t really disagree with this one. I try to learn everybody’s name in case I need to mail a bomb threat later…

 

[mustynutz]

Since I’m not going to work today (because I’m taking a bullshit flight to Austin), I probably won’t have much to say about being on the job today. Thus, I’ve decided to describe the events leading to my employment at ________ Bank. I’ll have to break it down into about 4 or 5 parts because I went through some BULLSHIT just to get here; most of that due to a struggling economy and tough job market.

As I mentioned before, I left Chase Bank on September 22, 2003. Trust me, I’ll do a separate post just for my experience at Chase and my reasons for leaving. That’s an epic in itself. Anyway – I left Chase on September 22, 2003. I had an opportunity to travel overseas for a month, and circumstances at Chase would not allow me to take a leave of absence (again, you’ll get the details later). I wasn’t scheduled to leave until like October 3, so I had a couple of weeks to get some job hunting done in hopes of landing a job by the time I got back. Working in the Financial Services has its perks, including having a lot of contacts in a lot of different places. Everybody jumps ship pretty often, so it’s not unusual for one of us to know somebody at each bank or investment firm. So I started calling on folks at other banks to see if I could get the hook up on some employment. Nobody was really hiring for a position with my qualifications, so I had to bide my time.

I finally ran into a guy that I worked with during my first stint with Chase; he jumped over to Washington Mutual and moved up in the ranks to Branch Manager. Cool! I’m like, “Hook me up with a Branch manager position or something!” There weren’t any openings for Branch Manager, but there was a sales position available that might have worked for me.

The only downside to this position was that it was mostly commission based. I’m more of a salary person. I kind of like the idea of getting paid the same no matter how much (or how little) I work. I figure that if I’m never going to get paid what I’m worth, I might as well get the best paying job that requires the least amount of effort. However, this sales position had the shittiest base salary that I’d ever seen. $16, 000 + commission. Okay, the commission side was pretty lucrative, but I couldn’t get over the $16,000 thing. That’s a fucking insult. I’m not even trying to see that. But – seeing how I didn’t have any other prospects at the time, I decided to holler at them. In the worst case scenario, I’d at least have something to give me gas money when I get back.

Begrudgingly, I apply for “WAMU” and get invited to an interview. (Note – I actually applied at WAMU about a year before, so I knew what to expect…)

A group interview.

If you don’t know what a group interview is. Just know that it’s the biggest waste of fucking time in the whole world. You get into a big room with other losers that are hard up for a job, and you parade and dance around the interviewers in hopes that one of them feels sorry enough for you to throw you a bone. It’s just a big dog and pony show. They show you a film about the history of WAMU and try to convince you that this is a company that stands above all others because it _______. (I didn’t really pay attention to that part.) Then, they do a presentation on the “core values” of the company and make you memorize their stupid ass mission statement. It’s corny. Then, they make everybody stand up and do a song / cheer involving the company slogan. Mind you, we haven’t gotten to the interview portion of the interview yet…

I know what they’re trying to do. They want to get the most mindless, cheerleading lapdogs to work for them. We all know it’s true – nobody wants to hire anybody that might be a threat to their job.

By this time, the session has taken on a carnival-like atmosphere. Very becoming for a job interview… Then they start asking the serious questions. They don’t address them to anyone in particular: you have to raise your hand and volunteer to answer. WTF? You get the typical questions:

“What do you think we’re looking for in an employee?”
“What will you bring to the table if you work for WAMU?”
“Out of these 4 qualities: ____, _____, ____, and ____, which describes you best?”
“Name a situation at a previous job when ______ happened and describe how you dealt with it.” (We got about 4 of these.)

And the list went on and on. It sickens me to even think about what I went through. The amount of preemptive ass kissing in the room that day made me nauseous. People can act like fucking clowns when they’re trying to impress employers. I’m like, fuck it - i’ll just be myself and they’ll take it or leave it.

I’m about to get on this plane, so i’ll give you the results of the Washington Mutual experience tomorrow. But just for the record - group interviews are fucking gay and just show how lazy a company can be when they’re hiring people.

Comments (4)
3/1/2004
Stealing My Thunder!!!
Filed under: Corporate Whore— damien @ 3:13 pm
This is going to be a weird week for me. I have to fly to that bullshit orientation follow up on Wednesday (maybe); then I have to drive waaaaaaaay the fuck out to LaMarque, TX (54.21 miles from my front door) on Friday for a 1/2 day meeting. (1/2 day MY ASS!) This means that I have to squeeze a week’s worth of work into 3 days.

(That should work out for me, since I only do about 3 days’ work per week anyway…)

It’s going to be weird because this is the first week of month, which is usually busy in a banking center. This is also the first week where my sales, etc will be tracked - so I already know that i’ll be behind at week’s end. My Investment Manager is stopping by today for some compliance shit, so nothing’s going to get done today either. On top of that, we’re short staffed…

I’m starting to notice a trend here. Remember the last time that I was out “sick”? Remember how the guy that I work with mysteriously ended up with the same “illness” that I had the next day? Yeah… If you recall, I was out the first half of Friday because I was at the doctor’s office. Well, the dude I work with called in today because his car is “in the shop”. Funny thing is, he was calling from home. When one of the ladies here asked how he got home if his car was in the shop, he told her that he got a loaner car. When she asked him why he couldn’t drive the loaner to work, he replied that his truck should be fixed “any moment now”. As soon as his truck is fixed, he’s going to come in to work.

Now, we all know what’s going to happen with this one:

He’s not coming in today. I know it. If I were him, I would call in later this afternoon and tell them again that it should be ready any minute now. After that, they wouldn’t hear from me until the next day. I can’t blame him - the manager’s out for another week, so nobody’s going to check him. I can’t hate - hell, more power to him. The only bad part is, I might have to subtract this excuse from my list of reasons to use when calling to work. (Yes, I do have a list that I use, and it resets itself with every new job.) I’m just upset that he’s stealing my thunder as the company slacker

 

[Incar]

you expect people to read alllllll.... that?

 

[L Mac-a-docious]

I did. Good post Musty.

 

[YOUNGNUTT]

you expect people to read alllllll.... that?

I NEVER READ THEM BULLSHITS!!!

 

[Nuttkase]

I NEVER READ THEM BULLSHITS!!!

uses needs to go backs to skool

 

[YOUNGNUTT]

FUCC SCHOOL CUZZ, I MAKE PLENTY SKRILLA!!!

 

[Nuttkase]

Thats cool man I was just fucking with ya....

Nuttkace

 

[suspect#1]

i read it all to damn im glad im not a corporate wroker i work the shipyards