I believe in this president
Stephen Colbert
Tuesday May 2, 2006
The Guardian
http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,,1765485,00.html
The appearance of a George Bush impressionist alongside the real thing at the White House correspondents' dinner this weekend was seen across the world, but the speech that followed - by Stephen Colbert, a colleague of the American satirist Jon Stewart - was a lot less chummy. Below is an edited extract from the address.
Mr President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not members of the fact police. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true.
Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no-fact zone. Fox news, I own the copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal saviour.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yoghurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us; we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr President, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half full, because 32% means its two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it.
I haven't. I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he has stood on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will.
Stephen Colbert
Tuesday May 2, 2006
The Guardian
http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,,1765485,00.html
The appearance of a George Bush impressionist alongside the real thing at the White House correspondents' dinner this weekend was seen across the world, but the speech that followed - by Stephen Colbert, a colleague of the American satirist Jon Stewart - was a lot less chummy. Below is an edited extract from the address.
Mr President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not members of the fact police. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true.
Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no-fact zone. Fox news, I own the copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal saviour.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yoghurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us; we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr President, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half full, because 32% means its two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it.
I haven't. I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he has stood on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will.
