Horoscopes

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May 13, 2002
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montyslaw.blogspot.com
#1
I need to create some horoscopes for my school newspaper this issue. I am completely stummped. If you could make some creative ones up for me to use, that would be helpful and very appreciated. Also, if you could keep profanity out of it and keep it school appropriate that would be good as well. Thanks
 
May 21, 2002
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Sacramento, CA
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Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a wreckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
 
Apr 25, 2002
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#6
Why don't you just be like Chris Rock.....


Aquarius - Youre gonna die

Pisces - You're gonna die.

Aries - You're gonna die.

And so on and so on.
 
Apr 29, 2003
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#8
Aries - It is time you laid the cards on the table and worked through some difficult issues. You and your mate have been avoiding something for too long. You should be the one who initiates the conversation.


Taurus - Your desire for excitement and adventure may put you into a very dangerous situation. Using good judgment will help to keep you out of trouble. New interests may be preoccupying your time.

Gemini - Sudden changes at home may catch you by surprise. There may be some difficult issues to face with a member of your family. Secret affairs may cause a great deal of complication in your life.

Cancer - If you are feeling dissatisfied with an area of your life, this is the perfect day to do something about it. Your ability to make changes in your life is at a high point. You've still got a lot of hassles to deal with, but they don't seem as awful as they once did.

Leo - Some members of your family could become involved in a heated argument. You may think that you would be a good mediator, but this argument is based more on emotions than on events. It will take much more than a simple resolution to please them

Virgo - Others may mean well today, but sometimes they promise more than they are able to deliver. Do not expect everyone to follow through on their promises. Stop searching for what you think you don't have, Virgo.

Libra - Use patience and focus to your advantage when dealing with others today, Libra. Not everyone will have the same amount of self-control as you do. You're happy to share and be generous, but give it to those who truly deserve it.

Scorpio - It is time to focus more of your time on improving your health. If you aren't currently on an exercise program, now is a great time to start. You may have to seek out medical advice.

Sagittarius - Use your high enthusiasm to inspire others, Sagittarius. Take on a leadership role and show your followers the way. Take the time to visit a friend or relative who hasn't been feeling well lately.

Capricorn - Your charm and self-confidence will attract members of the opposite sex today. If you are not currently in a relationship, now is a great time to start one. You deserve the best, so don't settle for anything less.

Aquarius - You will be able to help sort out some problems your friends are having. Give back to them the support they have given to you in the past. Restrictions put on you may be difficult to deal with.

Pisces - Be cautious of anyone that wants you to invest money in a suspicious cause. Make sure you take a close look at their credentials. You have not been getting enough rest and your health is starting to suffer.
 
Apr 29, 2003
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#9
or make love horoscopes

Aries - It is a good time to live, study and practice total integration in your affectionate relationship, where the body, the psyche and the mind collaborate toward the same end: fusion, and as a result evolution. Enjoy yourself intensely and become aware of each instant, since true love is bound to the full awareness of each act, each gesture, each feeling and each thought.

Taurus - You prefer to devote part of your energies, your time and your effort to improve the dynamics of your family, have family gatherings from time to time to talk over your problems, or simply to pass the time. Thus, your personal self-esteem is increased, making you a very useful person prejudiced toward evolution and change, which will not bring states of emotional susceptibility or evasion.

Gemini - It is advisable to take some time for personal reflection, thinking about your more recent affectionate or sentimental experiences, before reacting or acting without previous contemplation. Now is the time to look deeper into your real psyche, avoiding at all cost to express your feelings outwardly without having sufficiently worked out what comes from within.

Cancer - You now could be led by instinctive behavior such as jealousy, egocentricity or superiority. If you watch yourself during those times, assuredly you will be able to correct and control them.

Leo -
You will be fully aware of the effect of love and of each instant in the interrelationship with your partner. Moments like this cannot be repeated and, without a doubt, constitute a great opportunity to develop and improve your own psychological qualities.

Virgo - This continuous search for the middle ground and balance in a relationship of courtship or marriage brings the integration of the couple to perfection and self-realization. Avoid imposing attitudes toward your companion, and you will become sensitive toward aspects that theoretically are more of the opposite sex than your own.

Libra - Without a doubt, the greatest adventure you will have together is that of your own life, since sharing determination, projects, ideals and accomplishments will bring vibrant and emotional experiences that you will remember forever. You will also have opportunities for creative leisure, enjoying new surroundings, and very fulfilling periods, weekends or a vacation for both of you.

Scorpio - Speaking about the daily problems from a constructive and positive view without a doubt generates a better vibratory and psychic atmosphere in the relationship. A disharmonious aspect of the current transit doesn't have too much strength, but can be used to amend certain imbalances in your family relationships.

Sagittarius - You are on a difficult road that requires personal security, self-discipline and self-understanding. It is necessary to give in order to receive, which is a simple rule and very practical in regard to family relationships.

Capricorn - This is a good time to strengthen family relationships and the ties with your loved ones. During this period you see things more from an emotional point of view and your psyche now is able to surpass the susceptibilities, including those bound to family situations of the past.

Aquarius - Your imagination is intensified now, especially, since your surroundings provide a stimulus and small daily events that make you agreeable and merry. In this respect, you could receive a gift, a call, have a special meaningful encounter, or simply will observe that some of your loved ones respond to you in a vibrant, cozy and warm way.

Pisces - This is a good time to openly express your feelings so that you will be totally sincere with yourself and with your loved one. Sharing is being open to new realities, and opening up is necessary for a confident and respectful environment.
 
Nov 20, 2002
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#12
SLIT_THROAT999 said:
Sagittarius - Use your high enthusiasm to inspire others, Sagittarius. Take on a leadership role and show your followers the way. Take the time to visit a friend or relative who hasn't been feeling well lately.

Thats some crazy ass shit. My aunt has been in the hostpital for about 2-3 weeks. Startin to scare me.. lol
 
Apr 25, 2002
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www.dreamtdk.com
#14
Deep Thought said:
Pisces (Feb 22 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Even though Horoscopes are hoo ha and useless jibber jabber, damn, hah, that shit is pretty much true!
 
Jun 27, 2002
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#15
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20 If you and your partner have a spat, it's partially because you don't agree and partially because your nerves are on edge and partially because you relationship is falling apart and partially because they are cheating on you and partially because you're gay. Give it up.

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Aries
March 20- April 19 You're a hard worker, but today expect complications. You may not have much time for family. Schedule a meeting with them for tomorrow like they're some kind of business associate or something. That’s so condescending and makes you look like even more of a dick. You're a terrible husband/wife/mother/father/child.

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Taurus
April 19 - May 20 If a loved one complains about a lack of funds, stay cool. Instead of getting upset, use this as your inspiration. Get them to do all sorts of degrading things that they'd never do if you weren't holding the money over their head. See how low they'll stoop and then call them a worthless whore.

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Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21 You may want to stay close to home and tidy things up. It may take a lot of scrubbing to get that huge bloodstain off the carpet, but when the cops start asking questions, you'll be glad you put in the effort.

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Cancer
June 21 - July 22 Is somebody telling you to do something stupid, like jumping off a building to see if you can fly? You're a nice person, but this could rattle you. Maybe you ought to do what they ask. That's a good way to prove it won't work.

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Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23 Someone has slipped LSD into the last thing you ate or drank. Stay calm, and get to a hospital as quickly as possible. You're just going to have to ride this one out.

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Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 No more money's in it for you, if you're right. You might want to bite your tongue and let the other person find out the hard way. It will be funny watching them go broke and have to give up their house. Maybe their spouse will divorce them too. If this happens, offer you condolences, but secretly try and date their ex. You can chuckle to yourself every time you see either one of them from then on.

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Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22 You're sharp, but you may also be irritated. You're never going to find the answer you're seeking by worrying about it. Ask an expert to help. Call 411. It's really a misnomer that they only handle telephone directory information. You can find out all sorts of things from these friendly people. If they don't have the answer right away, ask to speak to their supervisor.

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Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22 If you have financial difficulties, don't try to borrow the money now. You can get what you need another way. You can steal it, blackmail your neighbor or sell drugs. If you have young children, you can pimp them out to Japanese businessmen. Financial opportunities are all around you.


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Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 If you and a friend aren't getting along, it might not be the other guy's fault. It doesn't really matter though does it? You're not about to admit you’re wrong, you ignorant fucking prick. It's all about you isn't it, you dick.

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Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20 You may have to get together with loved ones during the day for your relative's funeral. What? Didn't anyone tell you they died? You idiot, you'd better hurry or you're going to look like a real asshole.

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Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19 Things may not go quite as planned. You might find you don't have enough to buy what you want. You'll find a way. You always do since you're so addicted to the stuff and don't want to go through the sweats and vomiting again. That methadone doesn't do a fucking thing for you either.
 

Dana Dane

RIP Vallejo Kid
May 3, 2002
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#16
mustynutz said:
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22 You're sharp, but you may also be irritated. You're never going to find the answer you're seeking by worrying about it. Ask an expert to help. Call 411. It's really a misnomer that they only handle telephone directory information. You can find out all sorts of things from these friendly people. If they don't have the answer right away, ask to speak to their supervisor.

Fuck. Its almost like i am under surveillance!