Funny Jokes

[savage]

" A man is boarding a plane and he has a huge Black eye. He sits in his assigned seat and notices that the man sitting next to him ALSO has a black eye.

Person A then asks person B, "What happened to you". To that, Person B replied, "Well, it's kind of silly. I actually got into a Tongue twister situation. When i was buying my ticket, the lady helping me had HUGE breasts so when she asked how she could helped me, I accidentally said that I needed a PICKET to TITSBURG."

After they pondered that for a while, person B, noticing Person A's black eye asked, "What happened to you". To that, person A said, "It's funny, I had a tongue twister too... This morning i was sitting with my wife, and I meant to say, "Would you please pass the corn flakes, but I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch".

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Teacher gets up in front of the class and announces that the class will be playing a fun guessing game......

She started with Suzi and put a candy kiss on her desk and asked her to guess what it was.

Suzi couldn't figure it out.

The Teacher asked her to open it and taste it to see if she could guess it...

Again Suzi couldn't guess.

The Teacher said she would give her a clue...."It is what your Daddy wants from your Mommy before he goes to work"

Lil Johnny jumps up and Yells, "Spit it out, it's a piece of ASS"

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's"

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.

0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

lol

 

[savage]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on January 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good Morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car

lol

 

[savage]

Here are the recent changes to the Employee Handbook at my work. I'm not too sure I like them...

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the
work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own
replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In
the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8:00 to
8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40, and
so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
& take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Now get back to work!

THE VOODOO PENIS

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he
thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a
sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that
will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis"
and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed,
and said,

"It looks like a dildo!"


The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door !"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started
pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much
that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis
stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the
husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch".
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three
mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd
had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had
neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in
her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over
the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to
drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my
crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
"Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"


The rest, as they say, is history...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

Half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A two lb. can of coffee and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchase, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single". The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts' intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're fucking ugly."

lol