I decided to kick it at the house today...no wife...no kids...just me.
After everyone cruised this morning...I got up around 10:00...had some coffee...and started watching the tube.
Well...actually...I popped in a porn and rubbed one out real quick...if you do that early on and get it over with...you won't be tempted to lay around and masturbate all day...I did have a cup of coffee sitting on the table though.
I threw the sock in the dirty clothes hamper and started looking through some movies I had picked up the night before...I traded my coffee in for that first Pepsi of the day...sit down and started the movie...about halfway through it...I got a little hungry...hit the pause button...and headed for the kitchen.
I made a fresh glass of Pepsi...pulled the Big Bag of Lime flavored Tostitos out of the cupboard and began looking for the Tostitos Restaurant Style Salsa...it wasn't where I had put it last night...my heart jumped a little...but...I figured I had just misplaced it...I like my Salsa at room temp...so I never put it in the fridge...and...since I eat the whole fucking jar anyway...don't have to worry about refrigerating after opening...I checked all over the cupboard...no salsa...I opened the fridge...checked all over it...no salsa.
I began to tremble...was I losing my mind...???...surely it had to be in the kitchen...
I called my wife...
Her..."Hi honey...!...how is your day go..."
I didn't have time for that shit, so I cut her off...
Me..."Have you seen the Salsa!?"
Her..."It was in the cupboard last night"
Me..."Well...!...It's fucking not now!"
Her..."That's the last place I saw it?"
Me..."Did you Eat it...and you're not telling me!?"
Her..."NO!...I didn't eat it...maybe it's...
Me..."Listen!...I'm going to look around...I'll call you back!?"...click!
I wasn't buying it...she fucking knew...and I knew she fucking knew...she was hiding something...or...Protecting someone...!
I did a perimeter search of the kitchen...but didn't turn anything up.
I picked up the phone and dialed...
Her..."Hi Honey...did you find..."
Me..."You're not playing a trick on me are you...cause if you are...you got me pretty good...I'll tell all my buds...you got me..."
Her..."No baby...I'm not playing a tri..."
click!
"Ok"...I said to myself..."It didn't just get up and walk out of here...Think man...THINK!"
I picked up the phone and dialed...
Her..."Hey...listen...you're going to have to quit hanging up on me and cutting me off in mid-sent..."
Me..."Could you go out and check your car...?...I just want to make sure it's here...you know...somewhere in the house..."
Her..."Did you look in the kids room...?"
Me..."NO...WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IN THERE...!?!?!"
Her..."Well...honey...they like salsa too..."
ME..."I HID IT...IT WAS HIDDEN...!!!...HANG ON...I'll call you right back..."
Her..."Well Ok...but...you'll have to..."
click!
I sat the phone down and started the long walk down the hall towards the kids rooms...my heart was racing...I reached down and opened the door with a sweaty palm...and walked inside...it was dark...it didn't smell right...I knew then why I never came to this part of the house...I just wanted to look...and get the hell out!
I waded through a pile of what felt like wet clothes...I couldn't see very well...yet didn't want to turn the light on...I looked the room over pretty good...satisfied that it wasn't in here and was turning to leave.
As I reached out to open the door...something shiny behind it caught my eye...my head said..."Glass!"...my heart said..."Please god........No...."...
I flicked on the light switch!...and there it was...My Salsa jar...IT WAS LAYING EMPTY...NEXT TO AN EMPTY BAG OF FRITOS...FUCKING FRITOS...!!!...the little bastards didn't even have the decency to use Real chips on it...!"
My mind was reeling...I felt like I couldn't catch my breath...I stood there and stared at that empty jar mocking me for what seemed like an eternity...!
Like coming out of a bad dream...I was sitting at the bar...phone in hand...it was ringing...
Her..."Hey sweeti..."
Me..."THEY ATE MY FUCKING SALSA...!!!...THEY FUCKING ATE EVERY BIT OF IT HONEY...OH GOD!!!...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT...!?!?!"
Her..."Jesus babe...calm down...it's just a jar of Salsa!"
Me..."Just a jar of Salsa...?...JUST A JAR OF SALSA...!?!?!?...I'm getting on the internet to see if I can get some brochures to some far away military schools...I want you to leave work right now...I'm calling the school...telling them you're swinging by to pick them up...and we're going to put THE FEAR OF GOD INTO THESE KIDS!!!"
Her..."Why don't you just calm down...drive to the store and get yourself a jar of Salsa...?"
Me..."Drive to the store...???...Get a jar of Salsa...???...I DON'T WANT A FUCKING JAR OF SALSA ANYMORE...!!!...I want retribution...!!!...I want accountibilty...a reckoning...PAYBACK BABY...!!!...You dont Fuck!...With a mans SALS..."
click!
Me..."Hello...!!!...Hello...!!!...HONEY...!?!?!?!...HELLO...!!!
After everyone cruised this morning...I got up around 10:00...had some coffee...and started watching the tube.
Well...actually...I popped in a porn and rubbed one out real quick...if you do that early on and get it over with...you won't be tempted to lay around and masturbate all day...I did have a cup of coffee sitting on the table though.
I threw the sock in the dirty clothes hamper and started looking through some movies I had picked up the night before...I traded my coffee in for that first Pepsi of the day...sit down and started the movie...about halfway through it...I got a little hungry...hit the pause button...and headed for the kitchen.
I made a fresh glass of Pepsi...pulled the Big Bag of Lime flavored Tostitos out of the cupboard and began looking for the Tostitos Restaurant Style Salsa...it wasn't where I had put it last night...my heart jumped a little...but...I figured I had just misplaced it...I like my Salsa at room temp...so I never put it in the fridge...and...since I eat the whole fucking jar anyway...don't have to worry about refrigerating after opening...I checked all over the cupboard...no salsa...I opened the fridge...checked all over it...no salsa.
I began to tremble...was I losing my mind...???...surely it had to be in the kitchen...
I called my wife...
Her..."Hi honey...!...how is your day go..."
I didn't have time for that shit, so I cut her off...
Me..."Have you seen the Salsa!?"
Her..."It was in the cupboard last night"
Me..."Well...!...It's fucking not now!"
Her..."That's the last place I saw it?"
Me..."Did you Eat it...and you're not telling me!?"
Her..."NO!...I didn't eat it...maybe it's...
Me..."Listen!...I'm going to look around...I'll call you back!?"...click!
I wasn't buying it...she fucking knew...and I knew she fucking knew...she was hiding something...or...Protecting someone...!
I did a perimeter search of the kitchen...but didn't turn anything up.
I picked up the phone and dialed...
Her..."Hi Honey...did you find..."
Me..."You're not playing a trick on me are you...cause if you are...you got me pretty good...I'll tell all my buds...you got me..."
Her..."No baby...I'm not playing a tri..."
click!
"Ok"...I said to myself..."It didn't just get up and walk out of here...Think man...THINK!"
I picked up the phone and dialed...
Her..."Hey...listen...you're going to have to quit hanging up on me and cutting me off in mid-sent..."
Me..."Could you go out and check your car...?...I just want to make sure it's here...you know...somewhere in the house..."
Her..."Did you look in the kids room...?"
Me..."NO...WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IN THERE...!?!?!"
Her..."Well...honey...they like salsa too..."
ME..."I HID IT...IT WAS HIDDEN...!!!...HANG ON...I'll call you right back..."
Her..."Well Ok...but...you'll have to..."
click!
I sat the phone down and started the long walk down the hall towards the kids rooms...my heart was racing...I reached down and opened the door with a sweaty palm...and walked inside...it was dark...it didn't smell right...I knew then why I never came to this part of the house...I just wanted to look...and get the hell out!
I waded through a pile of what felt like wet clothes...I couldn't see very well...yet didn't want to turn the light on...I looked the room over pretty good...satisfied that it wasn't in here and was turning to leave.
As I reached out to open the door...something shiny behind it caught my eye...my head said..."Glass!"...my heart said..."Please god........No...."...
I flicked on the light switch!...and there it was...My Salsa jar...IT WAS LAYING EMPTY...NEXT TO AN EMPTY BAG OF FRITOS...FUCKING FRITOS...!!!...the little bastards didn't even have the decency to use Real chips on it...!"
My mind was reeling...I felt like I couldn't catch my breath...I stood there and stared at that empty jar mocking me for what seemed like an eternity...!
Like coming out of a bad dream...I was sitting at the bar...phone in hand...it was ringing...
Her..."Hey sweeti..."
Me..."THEY ATE MY FUCKING SALSA...!!!...THEY FUCKING ATE EVERY BIT OF IT HONEY...OH GOD!!!...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT...!?!?!"
Her..."Jesus babe...calm down...it's just a jar of Salsa!"
Me..."Just a jar of Salsa...?...JUST A JAR OF SALSA...!?!?!?...I'm getting on the internet to see if I can get some brochures to some far away military schools...I want you to leave work right now...I'm calling the school...telling them you're swinging by to pick them up...and we're going to put THE FEAR OF GOD INTO THESE KIDS!!!"
Her..."Why don't you just calm down...drive to the store and get yourself a jar of Salsa...?"
Me..."Drive to the store...???...Get a jar of Salsa...???...I DON'T WANT A FUCKING JAR OF SALSA ANYMORE...!!!...I want retribution...!!!...I want accountibilty...a reckoning...PAYBACK BABY...!!!...You dont Fuck!...With a mans SALS..."
click!
Me..."Hello...!!!...Hello...!!!...HONEY...!?!?!?!...HELLO...!!!
