Fridays Time Killers

[mustynutz]

the drug test...

Well Chris, as you know we're doing our quarterly random drug testing today, and your name has been selected."

"Oh shit."

"What was that?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. When do I piss?"

"Testing is at noon."

"Crap."

I knew I shouldn't have smoked that joint last night. What to do now? Water, got to find some water. Yeah, that'll do the trick. Just start chuggin' some water. You've still got a couple hours.

–30 min and 64oz of water later-

Damn, I've got to piss.

- 10 min later -

Crap, I've got to piss again.

– 5 min later -

Shit, not again.

Damn, if I piss out all the water now, it won't be clear by the time I take the test. What can I do? I think I heard drinking Robitussin makes you come out clear. Yeah, that's it, I'll drink some Robitussin.

– The next day -

"Ring, ring"

"Hello?"

"Hi Chris, this is your boss."

"Hi."

"I've got the results of your drug test."

"Did I pass?"

"Now Chris, you know we said we'd only be contacting you in the result of a failure."

"It must be a mistake. Perhaps I got some second hand smoke at that rock concert last week."

"Haha. Nope, no mistake here. They said it was conclusive, without a doubt."

"No, something's got to be wrong."

"They said they've never seen so much THC in a single sample."

"I see."

"It was off the charts. Your sample nearly broke the machine, the whole thing went haywire."

"Uh huh."

"Not just weed either."

"Ok, ok."

"They said it would have been easier just to list the things that didn't come up positive."

"Alright, I get the picture."

"They're amazed you're alive!"

"So I shouldn't worry about coming in on Mon."

"Heh heh. Ah hell no, you'll be lucky if you're allowed to collect your things."

"Is there anything else?"

"Yeah, be sure to take care of that cold buddy."

"Cold?"

"Yeah, aren't you sick? They said it looked like you'd been taking a lot of Robitussin."

 

[mustynutz]

Note: All of these actions were done by me, or my best friend. And yeah, the girls we did this shit to got really pissed off. But we got a good laugh.


1)You know how you can move your boner? Its a good idea to not poke her in the face and start laughing.

2) Dont poke her in the eye either.

3) When she is giving head, dirty talk shouldn't consist of, "Yeah! Take it, bitch! You like that? Yeah! Aw yeah you love it!" except said in a really disturbing "child-raper" sort of voice (like Steven Segal).

4) When goin down on her, rasberries arent as funny to her as they are to you.

5) It's not a good idea to make eating noises while going down on her.

6) While fucking her, if the TV is on, dont ask her to move her head so you can watch.

7) If the radio is on, dont start singing along with the song, no matter how awesome the song is.

8) When using whipped cream, after you're done and it gets all warm and gross smelling, dont accuse her of farting and punch her in the arm.

9) While going down on her, dont pause for a moment, make your eyes go really wide and say, "What the hell is that?"

10) While she is going down on you, dont say, "What the hell are you doing? Are you for serious wiht that? That is fucking terrible."

11) While having sex, its a real good idea to not fart.

12) If you do fart, dont try to blame it on her.

13) Dont slide your debit card through her vag lips and make the sound of a cash register.

14) If you do # 13, dont make up a phony reciept that says, "$100 withdrawl on your vagina."

15) Dont confuse her name with her mother's name.

16) If you put whipped cream on her 'giney town while going down on her, its not a good idea to give her a rasberry so all the whipped cream goes everywhere.

17) It may seem funny to you, but she wont find it funny when you pretend you bit off her clit.

18) It doesnt make it funnier to give her an M&M and say, "Bam! Next clit! Next clit!"

19) There is only the A Spot and the G Spot. There is no "G Unit Spot" or "50 in da club" spot.

20) Dont freestyle rap about her while she is giving you head.

21) Dont rub your nose on her clit while quoting lines from, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back."

22) Dont quote lines from Caddyshack during sex, at all.



That's all for now. And yeah, after doing those things, it usually resulted in us saying, "Oh baby I am so sorry. Please dont stop, I just got carried away is all. C'mon baby, you are sooooo beautiful."

But then when she would start again, and we do something else from the list, we usually didnt get play from her for about a week and heif.

It's ok, though. These make for awesomely funny stories with your pals.

Anyone else ever do anything stupid/funny like this?

 

[mustynutz]

I have fairly large breasts. Each of them is roughly the size of a small cantelope. So when I walk, jump, run, skip, or jog, They bounce uncontrollably. I mean, I've been knocked out cold by one of them before when I was jumping on my trampoline. When I awoke, I had a black eye and a bloody lip.

So, without further ado, here is the story of how the internet caused my boobs to become squished.

See, I like to watch porn. I'm constantly pulling my pud whenever I see a hint of skin. I also have a cat. She likes to attack anything that moves fast. So, there I was, yanking my yerkel furiously, boobs bouncing, when the cat walks in. "Ahh, fuck it, I'm too close to being done," I said, as she looked at me with what seemed to be curiousity.

She slowly wandered over to my bed, and I wasn't paying a lot of attention to her, as she had been leaving me be recently. Not attacking, not howling in my ears, not using my body as a scratching post. Naturally, I thought she would just curl up behind me and lay there, wondering what I was doing.

She did as I thought, and I continued fluffing my ferret in the most unimaginable way. "Oh.... my.... god.... I'm... so...... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I screamed as the cat jumped on my back, digging her claws in repeatedly, "GET OFF OF ME, SATAN!" I rolled backwards, and she climbed on top of me. I got up, she was still on my chest, furiously clawing my boobs. Blood was everywhere, and I could see silicon.

I woke up an hour and a half later. There was one large pillow of silicon laying on my stomache, the other lay shredded next to the cat's litter box.

"Ow, what the fuck happened?!"

Two days later, after returning from the hospital for reconstructive surgery, I thought that I would, once again, pleasure myself. I opened my porn folder, rearranged them by "Date Modified," and looked for my newest video.

"11 yr old latino gets fuked by 48 yr old daddy ass sex nude boobs cunt tits.....mpg"

"Wow, I haven't seen this one yet." *Click-click* was the sound as I opened the file. *ziiipppp* was me unzipping my pants. I looked down at my mangled chest, and looked back up at the screen.

Then I saw, by far, the most horrendous thing imaginable. Me. Flailing about violently with a small furry animal holding tight to my chest. I watched myself on the screen as I got up and ran face-first into the wall. My boobs stick out, so they actually hit first. I watched as my naked body fell to the floor. I watched the cat smirk at the camera and retrieve the silicon pillow from the wall, where it was stuck. I watched her tear my boob to shreds.

"HHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!," I heard my brother laughing uncontrollably from opposite the door. "I FOUND YOUR VIDEO, SICK ASS!!"

This is what ruined my life.

 

[mustynutz]

.........Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

 

[mustynutz]

This is my lame observation for the day-

There seems to be a trend going on with the fair sex that I have really been noticing lately.
I don't know if it is a product of increasingly lower cut pants or increasingly shorter shirts.

I am presently attending college, hence perpetually hungover. In the mornings I tend to sit
near the back of class, so my brewery stinking ass does'nt bother anyone. Anyway this affords
me a view of the back-ends of my fellow students.

Virtually all of the females tend to wear pants, that when they sit expose, at least, a teasing
view of their undergarments, and at most a near full on ass-crack viewing. This in conjunction
with shirts that rarely pass the small of their backs. This all during a chill New York fall
to boot.

I don't know about the rest of you, but nothing makes me (I am male) more uncomfortable than
feeling a cold breeze against my lower back. If it ever does happen to me, much shirt tucking
and pants pulling up will occur post haste.

This also leads me to start defining girls who I don't even know by their undies. There is
the middle-aged housewife looking lady who sits in front of me in Spanish, I was suprised and
disturbed to see a little black thong peeking out at me from her nether regions. I was led
to believe that her frumpy exterior was just a front for the spiciness hidden within.
Then there is the fat girl from brit-lit who I know smile at cause she was wearing colorful
spiderman underpants yesterday.

Do you ladies adapt to this uncomfortable situation, or is it something you just grin in
bear in the cruel, cruel face of fashion?

Anyway, I'm interested if anyone else has any opinions, or observations on this phenomena.

 

[Been Drinkin]

I once fucked a bitch with a spatula hahah that was funny shit. Once i said lets have a race and see who can cum first i did and i laughed as it hit her in the face and she started crying hahahahah that was funny shit indeed.

20 was funny and so was 14