I've eaten some sick things in my life... a pig brain, a dead fish on the beach, and a sheep testicle, but 2 year old Easy Mac took the cake.
Every night when I go to my cupboard looking for something to eat... a packet of Easy Mac falls to the counter and teases me with its potential cheesy goodness. But, I don't eat it because of all the Thiamin.
Last night I had to eat something quick to get to the bar in time to catch the end of the Pistons game. Pistons won... and I had to make something "easy". Some food I could "mac" on. Some Easy Mac. I was excited. I was going to eat the Easy Mac.
I opened my cupboard in anticipation waiting for it to fall down to the counter, yet tonight... it stayed put. It sat there and taunted me like a little bitch. A little bitch I would devour.
I snatched it out, emptied the crusty noodle into a bowl, splashed some water in, and nuked. As I kept my face pressed against the leaky microwave I caught a glimpse of the noodle wrapper. I saw what I thought was the serial number and started thinking to myself what a huge dork would understand what that shit actually meant. I mean honestly, how boring of a person would that have to...
<BEEP!>
I emptied the cheesey pack into the bowl and stirred. It wouldn't be long now. A cloud of cheese powder floated into the air with the toxicity of what I could only guess was that of asbestos. I took my first bite. It didn't taste like easy mac at all. It tasted like Satan.
I ate three more chomps wondering if maybe I just hadn't had the shit in so long my body needed to build up a tolerance. The third bite kind of sat in between my lungs. Almost like there was some sort of problem down below...
I waited for my food tube to push the easy mac down yonder and started looking at the serial number again. Maybe I could decipher it...
"EXPMAR01"
Hmmmm... before I could let the realization of my own stupidity sink in, it felt like I'd been shot in the stomach. I keeled over and stared at my trash can for a couple seconds and as quickly as it came, it went away.
I got up, threw away the easy mac, and ate a sandwich.
The next day I was at the Secretary of State renewing my licesnse plate. I'd taken my number and was sitting in the row of chairs that face the wall, when a little thimble of gas arrived to my rectum. It was a minor disconfort and I was sure nothing would come of it. I put my arm over the chair next to me, lifted my right cheek as I acted like I was looking behind me, and released.
<pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffsssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh>
I hadn't noticed but a small black kid was curled up behind my chair, I had probably just killed half his brain cells. I soon realized that was the least of my worries. I could watch the smell move through the room as people one by one became extremely uncomfortable. I finally smelled it, it smelled like death.
My number was called. I sat motionless deciding on my next move. Would I sit and wait for the smell to leave and then get another number? Or would I give away the culprit. There was no was I was about to sit here for another hour in this room, besides it smelled like shit now.
I walked through the aisles and approached the counter. As I walked through the aisles I heard comments behind me.
"Oh for Christ's sake..."
"Damn, that boy needs a Doctor!"
That one got people laughing.
"Yes, I need to renew my plates."
"Ok sir..." she looked at me with a skeptical look, "here's a pass to leave and come back, you won't even have to wait in line. Go out that door, use the bathroom NEXTDOOR, and come back after you've made sure that won't happen again."
"Yes maam," Id just gotten a Federal pass because of my ass.
As I walked out I saw the little black kid's eyes roll into the back of his head. He fell over and the mother exploded in agony...
"naw NAW NAAAAWWW!!! MUH BABY BOY!" she turned to look at me, "you did this, cracka!"
"No maam, Thiamin did this. Thiamin."
Every night when I go to my cupboard looking for something to eat... a packet of Easy Mac falls to the counter and teases me with its potential cheesy goodness. But, I don't eat it because of all the Thiamin.
Last night I had to eat something quick to get to the bar in time to catch the end of the Pistons game. Pistons won... and I had to make something "easy". Some food I could "mac" on. Some Easy Mac. I was excited. I was going to eat the Easy Mac.
I opened my cupboard in anticipation waiting for it to fall down to the counter, yet tonight... it stayed put. It sat there and taunted me like a little bitch. A little bitch I would devour.
I snatched it out, emptied the crusty noodle into a bowl, splashed some water in, and nuked. As I kept my face pressed against the leaky microwave I caught a glimpse of the noodle wrapper. I saw what I thought was the serial number and started thinking to myself what a huge dork would understand what that shit actually meant. I mean honestly, how boring of a person would that have to...
<BEEP!>
I emptied the cheesey pack into the bowl and stirred. It wouldn't be long now. A cloud of cheese powder floated into the air with the toxicity of what I could only guess was that of asbestos. I took my first bite. It didn't taste like easy mac at all. It tasted like Satan.
I ate three more chomps wondering if maybe I just hadn't had the shit in so long my body needed to build up a tolerance. The third bite kind of sat in between my lungs. Almost like there was some sort of problem down below...
I waited for my food tube to push the easy mac down yonder and started looking at the serial number again. Maybe I could decipher it...
"EXPMAR01"
Hmmmm... before I could let the realization of my own stupidity sink in, it felt like I'd been shot in the stomach. I keeled over and stared at my trash can for a couple seconds and as quickly as it came, it went away.
I got up, threw away the easy mac, and ate a sandwich.
The next day I was at the Secretary of State renewing my licesnse plate. I'd taken my number and was sitting in the row of chairs that face the wall, when a little thimble of gas arrived to my rectum. It was a minor disconfort and I was sure nothing would come of it. I put my arm over the chair next to me, lifted my right cheek as I acted like I was looking behind me, and released.
<pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffsssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh>
I hadn't noticed but a small black kid was curled up behind my chair, I had probably just killed half his brain cells. I soon realized that was the least of my worries. I could watch the smell move through the room as people one by one became extremely uncomfortable. I finally smelled it, it smelled like death.
My number was called. I sat motionless deciding on my next move. Would I sit and wait for the smell to leave and then get another number? Or would I give away the culprit. There was no was I was about to sit here for another hour in this room, besides it smelled like shit now.
I walked through the aisles and approached the counter. As I walked through the aisles I heard comments behind me.
"Oh for Christ's sake..."
"Damn, that boy needs a Doctor!"
That one got people laughing.
"Yes, I need to renew my plates."
"Ok sir..." she looked at me with a skeptical look, "here's a pass to leave and come back, you won't even have to wait in line. Go out that door, use the bathroom NEXTDOOR, and come back after you've made sure that won't happen again."
"Yes maam," Id just gotten a Federal pass because of my ass.
As I walked out I saw the little black kid's eyes roll into the back of his head. He fell over and the mother exploded in agony...
"naw NAW NAAAAWWW!!! MUH BABY BOY!" she turned to look at me, "you did this, cracka!"
"No maam, Thiamin did this. Thiamin."
