After all the brainlessness that I have been forced to deal with working in customer service, I've often wondered, have I been THAT customer? The customer that irritated the shit out of all the employees? The one that they were still talking about hours or even days after our brief interaction had come to a close? Perhaps, I can't recall a specific occasion, but after all of the shit that I've received from customers I thought it only fair that I take time out of my busy schedule to give back to the community. So I decided to have a little fun.
My girl had requested that I send some "just because" flowers to her at her job so the other chicks there would be jealous. She does this every so often. I find it ironic that only a woman would have the balls to make such a request and as far as the reason, it only reminds me of how glad I am not to be living in the devious ever-plotting world of the female. I hate sending her flowers at work because I normally end up spending something like $70-$80 for the same flowers that would have cost me $30 if I had gone into a store and bought them, but she makes sure I get more than my money's worth. It's funny how most women would slap the shit out of you if you offered them $100 to bang them silly, but they have no problem prostituting themselves for things like flowers and gifts. They use sex as a weapon, for leverage to get what they want (not all women, but most – the smart ones do anyway, I would) but if we are the one to suggest it we're out of line. But I'm getting off the subject. I call the store, not really knowing what I'm looking for...
Florist: Thank you for calling Blossom Boutique, how may I help you?
ME: Hello. Before we proceed, I need to inform you that I am the epitome of the uneducated customer. Do you consider yourself to be a patient person?
Florist: How can I help you sir?
ME: Should I take that as a no?
Florist: Sir, we're very busy today, is there something I can do for you?
ME: Yes, I need to send some flowers.
Florist: What kind of flowers would you like to send?
ME: That's the problem, I don't really know much about flowers. I'm a beer and football kind of guy, not one of those fancy pants if you know what I mean.
Florist: What is the occasion sir?
ME: No occasion.
Florist: (Sarcastically) Well isn't that sweet.
Florist: What is your price range?
ME: I'm really trying to stay under $20
Florist: You can't send flowers for under $20 sir.
ME: You can't?
Florist: Delivery alone is $10
ME: Oh, I see. Well in that case I'll take the cheapest ones you have.
Florist: This is Blossom Boutique sir. Our flowers are not "cheap." The least expensive bouquet would be $50, not including delivery.
ME: Wow, I could buy a lot of porn with $50.
Florist: Excuse me sir?
ME: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?
ME: What's in the bouquet?
Florist: Tulips and baby's breath.
ME: Is it cheaper if I get it without the baby's breath? I don't want to pay for something that I can't even see if I don't have to.
Florist: (Getting frustrated) Sir, baby's breath is...
Florist: (Thinking to herself) Don't bother
Florist: No sir, it is not cheaper if you get them without the baby's breath.
ME: So 2 lips huh? Why do they call them 2 lips? Do they look like a couple of lips?
Florist: No sir, that's TULIPS. And I'm sorry to disappoint you, but they don't look like lips.
ME: Do you guys have a website? I'd like to see what they look like.
Florist: No sir, we do not have a website.
ME: Oh, well can you hang on real quick while I do a google search to see if I can find a pic?
Florist: Sir, we're really very busy...
ME: (Interjecting) Don't worry, it will only take a second.
–2 minutes later-
Florist: What's that sound?
ME: Oh, that's my modem. I'm just now signing on. Good thing I called you on my cell phone or I would have had to hang up and call you back.
Florist: (With an obvious irritation in her voice) Yeah, good thing.
ME: Ok, let's see. No, no, these will never do. What else do you have?
Florist: Everything else is going to be more expensive.
ME: That's OK, money is no object.
Florist: ?#%&$?
ME: How about those purple ones, do you have those?
Florist: There are hundreds of purple flowers sir, which ones are you referring to?
ME: You know, the pretty ones that smell good and have the long stems and the petals and stuff.
Florist: That could be just about anything sir.
ME: Well, you know what's best, how about an assortment.
Florist: We can do that sir, it will be $75
ME: OK, as long as there's some pretty ones in there.
Florist: It includes Birds of Paradise sir, they're some of the most beautiful flowers in existence.
ME: Did you say turds of paradise?
Florist: I said BIRDS sir.
ME: Are you sure, because I could swear you said turds. I can't imagine that turds of anything would be very pretty.
Florist: BIRDS of Paradise sir, BIRDS. What is the address where you'd like them sent?
ME: I'm uncertain of the address. I can tell you exactly where it's at though. It's right between...
Florist: (Raising her voice slightly) No sir, we cannot do that, we have to have the EXACT address.
ME: Well, that's the problem, I have conflicting addresses. I thought I knew the address, but when I looked it up the published address is different what I remembered and I don't believe it's correct. Can I give you both of them and you just try one, and if she's not there try the other?
Florist: (Getting extremely frustrated) Sir, we cannot do that. You'll have to get the correct address and call us back when you are ready to place your order.
ME: C'mon, just flip a coin. You've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right the first time. It'll be like a game.
ME: (About to snap) Sir, again, we cannot do that.
ME: Why not, you guys did it for me before?
Florist: SIR, I AM SORRY, I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT, BUT IF SOMEONE DID THAT FOR YOU THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE! THAT IS AGAINST STORE POLICY!
ME: Let me speak to your manager,
Florist: NO PROBLEM, JUST A MINUTE!
Florist: (To herself) No problem at all buddy, you and that bitch deserve each other.
Manager: This is the manager sir, how may I help you?
ME: Yes, that young lady was very rude to me. All I requested was to send a dozen roses to 666 Main St and she's acting like I asked her to cure cancer.
My girl had requested that I send some "just because" flowers to her at her job so the other chicks there would be jealous. She does this every so often. I find it ironic that only a woman would have the balls to make such a request and as far as the reason, it only reminds me of how glad I am not to be living in the devious ever-plotting world of the female. I hate sending her flowers at work because I normally end up spending something like $70-$80 for the same flowers that would have cost me $30 if I had gone into a store and bought them, but she makes sure I get more than my money's worth. It's funny how most women would slap the shit out of you if you offered them $100 to bang them silly, but they have no problem prostituting themselves for things like flowers and gifts. They use sex as a weapon, for leverage to get what they want (not all women, but most – the smart ones do anyway, I would) but if we are the one to suggest it we're out of line. But I'm getting off the subject. I call the store, not really knowing what I'm looking for...
Florist: Thank you for calling Blossom Boutique, how may I help you?
ME: Hello. Before we proceed, I need to inform you that I am the epitome of the uneducated customer. Do you consider yourself to be a patient person?
Florist: How can I help you sir?
ME: Should I take that as a no?
Florist: Sir, we're very busy today, is there something I can do for you?
ME: Yes, I need to send some flowers.
Florist: What kind of flowers would you like to send?
ME: That's the problem, I don't really know much about flowers. I'm a beer and football kind of guy, not one of those fancy pants if you know what I mean.
Florist: What is the occasion sir?
ME: No occasion.
Florist: (Sarcastically) Well isn't that sweet.
Florist: What is your price range?
ME: I'm really trying to stay under $20
Florist: You can't send flowers for under $20 sir.
ME: You can't?
Florist: Delivery alone is $10
ME: Oh, I see. Well in that case I'll take the cheapest ones you have.
Florist: This is Blossom Boutique sir. Our flowers are not "cheap." The least expensive bouquet would be $50, not including delivery.
ME: Wow, I could buy a lot of porn with $50.
Florist: Excuse me sir?
ME: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?
ME: What's in the bouquet?
Florist: Tulips and baby's breath.
ME: Is it cheaper if I get it without the baby's breath? I don't want to pay for something that I can't even see if I don't have to.
Florist: (Getting frustrated) Sir, baby's breath is...
Florist: (Thinking to herself) Don't bother
Florist: No sir, it is not cheaper if you get them without the baby's breath.
ME: So 2 lips huh? Why do they call them 2 lips? Do they look like a couple of lips?
Florist: No sir, that's TULIPS. And I'm sorry to disappoint you, but they don't look like lips.
ME: Do you guys have a website? I'd like to see what they look like.
Florist: No sir, we do not have a website.
ME: Oh, well can you hang on real quick while I do a google search to see if I can find a pic?
Florist: Sir, we're really very busy...
ME: (Interjecting) Don't worry, it will only take a second.
–2 minutes later-
Florist: What's that sound?
ME: Oh, that's my modem. I'm just now signing on. Good thing I called you on my cell phone or I would have had to hang up and call you back.
Florist: (With an obvious irritation in her voice) Yeah, good thing.
ME: Ok, let's see. No, no, these will never do. What else do you have?
Florist: Everything else is going to be more expensive.
ME: That's OK, money is no object.
Florist: ?#%&$?
ME: How about those purple ones, do you have those?
Florist: There are hundreds of purple flowers sir, which ones are you referring to?
ME: You know, the pretty ones that smell good and have the long stems and the petals and stuff.
Florist: That could be just about anything sir.
ME: Well, you know what's best, how about an assortment.
Florist: We can do that sir, it will be $75
ME: OK, as long as there's some pretty ones in there.
Florist: It includes Birds of Paradise sir, they're some of the most beautiful flowers in existence.
ME: Did you say turds of paradise?
Florist: I said BIRDS sir.
ME: Are you sure, because I could swear you said turds. I can't imagine that turds of anything would be very pretty.
Florist: BIRDS of Paradise sir, BIRDS. What is the address where you'd like them sent?
ME: I'm uncertain of the address. I can tell you exactly where it's at though. It's right between...
Florist: (Raising her voice slightly) No sir, we cannot do that, we have to have the EXACT address.
ME: Well, that's the problem, I have conflicting addresses. I thought I knew the address, but when I looked it up the published address is different what I remembered and I don't believe it's correct. Can I give you both of them and you just try one, and if she's not there try the other?
Florist: (Getting extremely frustrated) Sir, we cannot do that. You'll have to get the correct address and call us back when you are ready to place your order.
ME: C'mon, just flip a coin. You've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right the first time. It'll be like a game.
ME: (About to snap) Sir, again, we cannot do that.
ME: Why not, you guys did it for me before?
Florist: SIR, I AM SORRY, I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT, BUT IF SOMEONE DID THAT FOR YOU THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE! THAT IS AGAINST STORE POLICY!
ME: Let me speak to your manager,
Florist: NO PROBLEM, JUST A MINUTE!
Florist: (To herself) No problem at all buddy, you and that bitch deserve each other.
Manager: This is the manager sir, how may I help you?
ME: Yes, that young lady was very rude to me. All I requested was to send a dozen roses to 666 Main St and she's acting like I asked her to cure cancer.