Dear Jesus,
I'm not quite sure what to say, this is kind of weird talking to the son of god. I mean, I don't even really pray, and I'm not sure about the Christian religion, but what the hell. I've got this problem you see... I keep getting fucked over by women. I think I'm just meeting the wrong ones, I don't know. Maybe it's hopeless. I'm wondering if you can give me any guidance on where to meet a decent girl. One that's smart, open, fun, and attractive. They don't have to be a movie star, just not a beast. I'd settle for porn star... oh yeah, and what's your view on porn? Well, I've got to go. Thanks Jesus.
-Ian Bennett
Dear Ian Bennett,
First all let me apologize for your life thus far. It actually started as a bet between me and the apostles to see if I was truly capable of loving all of Gods creatures. Sadly they still won’t let me live that one down. Next I would like to address your problem. Now normally in this situation, I would tell someone that if at first you don’t succeed you should keep trying. For you however, I must look at the bigger picture and I think that it would be best if you didn’t meet a girl and reproduce. I think you should stop asking the question, “Why am I meeting the wrong ones” and you should start asking “Is there even a right one out there?” But being the son of God and all, I can’t just condemn you like that so I will tell you what. If you meet me half way on this one I can help you out. I help those who help themselves, and by that I mean go get some plastic surgery and I will see what I can do. Remember I make blind people see, not the other way around.
The Jewish religion states that porn is an unnecessary evil that corrupts men and women of the earth, but let’s remember these are the same people who nailed me to the cross, so what do they know? Bottom line is that porn is great for all the humans of the world. Without it, there would be more suicides due to loneliness.
But your question was what my view on porn is. Well you see Ian, being in heaven has its advantages, the main one being able to watch people at all times (mostly while they are going at it or in the shower) which eliminates the need for porn. This is one of the major benefits to being in heaven. It’s just a shame that you will never experience it.
So, in the words of the Bible, “Keep on trucking.” – John 3:15
Yours Truly,
The Man Upstairs, and Down the Hall
-Jesus
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