another crazy story

[mustynutz]

It's march of 2002, and i was a highschool senior. The Ncaa tournament was underway and friend chris was convinced michigan state would win the national championship that year. He even wanted to bet against the field for 70 bucks. Now for a kid with no job 70 bucks seemed like alot to me but i knew where he worked and he was a fairly decent friend so i made the bet with him. When michigan state was knocked out of in the final four he told me he'd pay me when he got his next pay check.

Fast forward two months.
Highschool is officially over and just passing time till graduation. Chris had never payed me and told me he never planned to pay me. I was upset about this but figured thats what i get for betting with the douchebag. My friend jeff ims me to tell me he found chrises profile on face the jury. I experience a flashback in my head.

Back in freshman year chris had set up a yahoo account for me and another friend of ours so that we could join a ncaa pool on their during chemistry. When he asked me what i wanted my password to be i told him i wasn't sure. HE then said he'd use the one he alwaysed used for himself "hooters".

Back to real time

I figrue i might as well check to see if he has the same password. I try it and bingo. I take some liberties to switch his profile to include that he was gay, favorite sport was mens ymnastics, and how he failed highschool becaused he ran a stop sign and t-boned another driver on the day of his english final exam. And the teacher had even told him that all he had to do was show up and he would be passed, but he decided to skip school till that point and then the accident occured.

Me and jeff take turns messing with his info and we keep coming back whenver inspiration hits. Then i get the idea of using aim. Same password again works. Chris really should use some variety in his passwords. I get online and direct all the users online to the face the jury website. I even had one girl tell me how happy she was that i had enough courage and trusted her enough to come out to her.

Aim was fun, but i can't stop there. No i needed to get a full 70 dollars worth of revenge. So i tried getting into his hotmail account. Damn it hooters didn't work here. After about ten minutes of trying different passwords i get fed up and give up for the time being.

I get back on my aim and my friends convince me that chrises password must be something simple seing as chris is a dumb fuck. I go back to the good old hotmail log in screen. This time my first try gets it right, he used the name of our highschool. I go promptly to his address book and click on select all, and send them the link to face the jury. Seeing a he had some porn in his inbox, i forwarded all of that to his address book too.

Eventually i get bored and just look through his stuff on there. I see a file under saved sent messages that says "My pic". I try to open the attachment but i couldn't, probably cause my mom fucked up something on the computer. Oh well, i send the pic to a couple of my friends and leave to go eat dinner.

After a half hour i return and start bragging about my accomplishments to various friends. All of the sudden one of my friends ims me saying "WTF ARE YOU SENDING MY CHRIS PORN FOR!?" It takes a few moments for this to sink in. I had hit the jackpot. I told him i had no idea that was what it was and told him to put it online so i could see it. I click on a link and sure enoguh there he his in all of his glory. I'm laughing my ass off as i close the picture.

First thing i do is go into his hotmail and send the picture to all of my friends. Then i preceed to send it to his address book. After that I mail it to every address i can think of, highschool teachers, my girlfriends friends, parents of people i know.

an hour later one my friend mike who is a mutual friend is pissed at me. He tells me how the people chris had in his address book included his dad, his boyscout leader, a couple of his dads friends, a cop, and someone who was in the fbi. I continue to laugh.

A week later i'm at mike's graduation party. Chris shows up and it takes all of my willpower so i don't burst out laughing right there. Mike is laughing and tells me we can never tell chris about this.

So thats the worst thing i've ever done ot a human, and i'd do it again in a heartbeat.

(unfortunately i no longer have the picture or otherwise i would post it of him)

 

[mustynutz]

Back when I was about 9, I was reluctantly enrolled in summer school. There were about 15-20 kids in my class, all of them girls. In my church, the girls were taught by a nun and the boys were taught in a seperate class by a pastor. My nun's name was Ashley. She was nice for the most part, and at the time I would've guessed she was the same age as my mom. She was pretty and had blonde hair that extended to her shoulders, although she either cut her bangs or hed them beneath her nun hat.

It was the beginning of spring when I went into Summer School one Sunday and sat down for class. I was early, as usual, because my mom had to drop me off before she left for work. As the rest of the students filed in, Sister Ashley came in with her Bible held against her chest as always. She smiled at us and set her Bible down on the desk. That day, we were, ironically enough, learning about the evils of sexual immorality, of course taught to us in delicate terms. I don't think many parents would appreciate if their kids came home one day and said to them,

"Daddy, do you have sex with animals? If so, you have to be hanged. Sorry, daddy."

After class was over, I was about to wait outside for my mother who would always stop by half an hour after class was over. Sometimes she took an hour if she had to work late. The rest of the class had left already, and I was about to leave the room when Sister Ashley put her hand on my shoulder.

"Come, my child. I wish to show you something."

In my naivity, I nodded giddily and followed her. She led me into the boiler room, which I was excited about because I had always wondered what was in this room. She shut the door and turned on the lights and led me to the center of the room. She took off her hat, revealing even more hair that just flowed down her body like a waterfall. She told me to turn around and when I asked why she just told me, "You'll see." As I felt my shirt come off, she asked me in a friendly tone,

"Can you, just for today, call me Queen Ashley?"

I nodded and gulped, not knowing what was going to happen next.

"Can you say my name?"

"Yes Sis--I mean Queen Ashley,"

"You're just the cutest little thing I've ever seen."

I won't go into details after that, but I never went to Sunday School again. When my mom asked me why, I told her I didn't like Sister Ashley. It wasn't until 12 that I realized what she'd done to me and I told me mother. We tried searching for her, and after a few months, we got word that she'd moved to the Florida region. Living in Wisconsin, and not knowing her full name, we decided that we didn't have much of a chance finding her. Nobody else who attended Sunday School had my experience and the ministry didn't have her full name. In fact, she just left the church a year back without saying anything. I still have hope in my heart that Queen Ashley will be found out and her true self will show once again. This time, I'll be waiting.

 

[mustynutz]

I woke up that morning at three and left my humble abode at three thirty. I hopped into my Isuzu Pup truck and headed towards work. As usual I used my key chain flashlight to look at my clock(My truck is old and the clock doesn't light up, so I have to use a flashlight.) The clock read three thirty six as the blue beam of light struck the display. What the blue beam of light failed to illuminate was the giant ball of ravenous fur that lay in wait amongst the pile of fast food wrappers and empty Sobe bottles.

As I sped down the road at seventy MPH(I can't go faster or my truck will explode.) a feeling of dread came over me, a "Spidey Sence" some may call it. I looked over to see a creature perched on the passenger side seat, all time inside the truck had stopped as our eyes met, I looked at this creature trying to figure out what it was. It appeared to be a squirrel but it was far too large to be a squirrel. It had a large fluffy tail just like a squirrel and was covered in fur just like a squirrel. But this thing was at least ten pounds, I've seen dogs smaller than this thing. "Man, you are one hairy midget." I don't know why I said it, it may have been the absurdity of the situation or it may have been the two hours of sleep I had had that night. But as I said those words I came to the realization that, despite time stopping inside the truck, time was still moving at a very high speed outside the truck.

I ripped my eyes away from the squirrel in time to see the upcoming turn in the road. I slammed on the brakes, but it was raining so it didn't do much. The truck started to spin and the front tires hit the curb hard enough to pop one of them and send my face into the steering wheel.

As I pulled the steering wheel out of my mouth, I turned to look at the squirrel, he was now wedged between the dash and the windshield. I assumed he was unconscious and reached out to poke him(Yes, that's how smart I am.) His eyes snapped open and he screamed a battle cry, as if to say "Your going down BIATCH!" He lunged from his position and sunk his claws in to my shoulder, I attempted to shake him off but the shoulder is a hard body part to shake. So I screamed like a girl while I attempted to open my door. I jumped out side of my truck and tried to dislodge the creature from my shoulder. Then I "Stop, Dropped, and Rolled"(That's right kids, it's not just for fire, it's also for rodent removal) After rolling on top of him several times, he unhooked his claws and ran away chattering with victory.

After I changed the tire and got back in my truck, so I could get to work, I noticed that there was a tooth stuck in the steering wheel. I was so distracted by getting my ass kicked by a squirrel that I didn't notice I was missing a tooth "Son of BITCH!"

 

[Don Hollywood Godzilla]

LOL that first one is comedy... the 2nd one belongs on Montell Williams haha

 

[DaytonFamily]

lol

 

[mustynutz]

The sun was beating down like Mike Tyson, and Gidget was thirsty. He had been traveling for days with no luck as to a ride. Maybe they couldn't see him as they drove by; or maybe they had reservations about picking up a midget. After all, midget's these days have become quite a violent group. The news was always telling stories of midget attacks.

Gidget was different though. He was educated, refined, and gentle. His aspiration was to be a fast food manager, but so far, all he could get were circus gigs. After touring with Sigfried and Roy, for 3 months, and a romantic stint with the magic assistant, he decided it was time to pursue what seemed so stagnant, his dream of managing.

He made his way to San Antonio, Texas, from Virginia, by foot.He figured if he was going to get acceptance anywhere, it would be Texas.

"Look at the quality of life here. Everyone is a freak of some sort, except the girls and they are hot" he thought to himself.

He was worn, hungry, and tired. He decided it was time to stop and check out the opportunity. His new job, was being a jockey, for a horse named Gaseous the Fastest. He didn't particularly like the job, but he was good at it. He soon became the number 3 jockey in the nation, and made the cover of "Horse and Jackass Monthly" Things seemed to be going pretty good, but other than the variety of nightly poontang, he hated fame. He just wants to manage a taco bell. One night Gidget said his evening prayer,

"When God, when will you let me be a fast food manager? I have been faithful to you since the day my mother drank all that whiskey, and slept with a goat.. Why can't you just open up a position at McDonalds, or Jack in the Box? I am a faithful servant."

That night he had a dream. He was in the middle of the city, walking around downtown San Antonio. He saw a police officer on a horse. The horse was staring him down, and then it winked. He walked up to the horse and the horse spoke,

"Gidget, you have been a faithful servant to me. It is time that you go to a small city, known as Odessa,Tx. There you will find a Taco Bell. On the window, there will be a sign that says help wanted, you must go there to fulfill your destiny."

Upon saying this, the horse started to buck wildly and it exploded into a flash of bright light, and Gidget woke up in a cold sweat.

The next day, he bid farewell to his Gaseous, and jumped on a bus to Odessa. Once on the bus, he realized that this was no regular greyhound, it was the short bus. Not the kind of short bus that the handicap travel in, this was one for really short people. He walked down the isle, and everyone that had an available seat looked at him weirdly, and told him"seats taken" Finally, towards the back of the bus sat a girl. She was the most beautiful girl Gidget had ever seen.

She said in her sweet voice "you can sit here if you want." He sat down and gazed into her eyes.

"What's your name," he said.

"Sporty......Sporty the Shorty, I am on my way to Odessa to get a job at Burger King"

Gidget was smitten, he didn't know what to say. Just then there was a disturbance, and a group of midget terrorist, had come to hi-jack the bus.

"My name is Warf the Dwarf, and these are my companions, The Leapin' Leprechauns. We don't want any trouble, we just want to make a statement to the powers that be. It is time that short people will run the world, and deservedly so. We are smarter than the tall ones, stronger than the tall ones, meaner than the tall ones, and we can still ride children's rides at the state fair. Our intention, is not to hurt any of you, but whoever doesn't cooperate, will be considered a traitor and shot on site. Our plan is simple, we have stolen the bubonic plague, from a college near here. We plan to take it a release it in Washington, DC during the Million Half Man March. We have already forwarned all the short ones that will be in DC, and they have already taken a vaccination for this. We are going to use this to wipe out a portion of the tall ones, and threaten the survivors with the remaining supply. If we don't rise to immediate power, then we will be the only ones left on the planet."

Gidget didn't like this at all. He knew he was vertically challenged, but he didn't feel the need to take it out on people who weren't. That is the way God(the talking horse) made him, and he didn't intend to ruin his future career, on some nutbar with a dream. He had to stop them.

"What are we gonna do, Gidget?"

" We gotta stop this mad man, and I know just how to do it," he said with a sadistic grin.

The bus was off course, heading towards Dallas, the land of the midget. On the way, an 18 wheeler pulled up next to the bus, the driver, a midget. He smiled and waved. Gidget looked at the back and noticed it was a horse truck. He saw Gaseous in the back, gidget knew it was him, because he could smell him through the windows. Midget's have a great sense of smell, and Gidget had worked on developing his since he was a child. As the sunset, he noticed that the horse trailer was following them.

"Maybe it's going to the same place," thought Gidget.

As they entered the big city, trailer still behind him, he realized he was getting hungry. He pulled out his lunch box. It had a half sandwich, a half pint of chocolate milk, and one swiss cake roll. He ate it rather fast, as he looked over, he noticed sporty was still sleeping. The bus and following horse truck, pulled into a barn in Denton(right outside of Dallas)
It came to a jolting stop, waking Sporty. They all piled out into a giant warehouse.

Gidget couldn't help but feel like he had seen Warf before. Inside the warehouse, was an array of tall ones, having experiments run on them, they were powerless. Gidget feels it's time to set his plan into action.

"What are the horses for?" he says to Warf

"We need them in the march, you see we want public sympathy, and everytime someone sees a midget on a horse, they say *oh, how cute.* It's like monkeys, have you ever seen the movie, Dunston Checks In? What a cute little monkey. We want the whole country watching us, eyeing us. I am not a cruel man, I am friends with alot of the tall ones. I just believe in our cause."

"I see. What if they offer you money, will that stop you?"

"you know what they say kid, money talks, bullshit walks."

Gidget was starting to figure this out. He leaves Warf to go find his new girl friend sporty. She has been searching for the plague, so they can stop the plan. She has searched everywhere in the lab, and has not found it. She is leaving the room, when she trips on a crack in the floor. The noise was so loud, how could anyone not have heard. She lands in a pile on the floor along with broken beakers and test tubes. She did however, stumble across the hiding place, of the viles of the plague. She grabbed them both before she heard this voice, that made the hair raise up on her neck.

"Hey, lassie. You must not have been eating your lucky charms today, because your focked."

It was one of the leapin leprechauns. She really was fucked.

The meeting of the dwarves, midgets, and leprechauns was in place. Gidget noticed Sporty was nowhere to be found and he was worried. Suddenly, cheers arose from the crowd. It was Warf, he had come on stage, along with a surprise guest, Sporty. She was tied up. Gidget decided to back away slowly.

"Nnnaayy" came from behind Gidget's head, he recognized that sound anywhere. It was Gaseous. He winked at Gidget

"Hello Gidget." said Gaseous

"Oh my God, you really are the horse in my dreams, why didn't you talk before"

"You never asked me too" replied the horse "That's not important, what's important is that you save sporty, and the world. I am your lord God, almighty, and I believe in you Gidget."

"So, you really are God? Why don't you stop him yourself?"

"Because, I am shaped like a horse. What can a horse do? Don't be an idiot Gidget!"

Gidget knew he had to follow God's orders, after all, he was God. So, he climbed on top of the rafters, above the stage, and watched from above. When he was up there, he met a new friend. A drifter, that had been hiding.

"

 

[mustynutz]

"Hey man, what's up. I'm Tommy Chong the Leprechaun. I knew you weren't one of them the moment you came in here man. You see, I smoke this Irish kind bud, and I can tell who is and who isn't. You and your girlfriend down there are incapable of being brainwashed, just like me. They have a machine that does it, but I don't know anything about computers man. Other wise, I would have brought them down. It's that Warf, man, he has everyone under mind control man. The machine is over there man, I can show you."

Upon hearing this, they ran to a machine, hidden in the corner, of the upper warehouse. It had a sign on it that said"the manipulator 2000" After some research, they figured out that the only way to stop the brainwashing, would be to reverse it. Gidget was a small time computer programmer, so he thought he could figure it out. He searched the program running it, and found the way to change the direction. He clicked the button, but it wasn't that simple. A screen came up asking for a password. He thought long and hard and decided on one. He chose "taxi" the computer said access granted. He knew it!!! Warf was really someone else.

Tommy and Gidget run down the stairs to find that everyone in chaos. They are confused, and have no clue as to what is going on. Warf is on stage trying to get everyone under control. Gidget runs at him, lunges, and tackles him to the ground. Tommy right behind him, helps him tie Warf up. Then God, runs to the front of the stage with a carriage attached to him.

"I have figured you out Warf, or should I say Danny Devito!"

"What, how did you know?" exclaimed the movie and tv star.

"Let's just say, I was an avid Taxi fan. Too bad you won't be at the taxi reunion. You're going to jail"

Gidget unties Sporty, and together with their new friend, Tommy, get in the carriage, and God leads them to their new home.......Odessa, where Gidget manages the most successful Taco Bell ever, and Tommy becomes employee of the month for 4 months in a row.

An anonymous phone call lead police to Danny Devito, and he was sentenced to life in prison. As for the rest of the people, they were given medical attention, and all released safely back into the wild, and everyone lived happily ever after.