A Little Keystyle(I NEED FEEDBACK)

[ovarbmu]

i wrote this in about five minutes, i got no name for it so im just gonna call it 'panda bear'. give me some feedback.


i'm known to spark~a~pound as in you get no daps, you the mark~in~town/
im pushin weight, but niggas that sleep on me's the only 'narcs'~i~found/
parked~on~the~ground, my mind is like the darkest~around/
i'm fourtunate enough to be harboring targeting~sounds/
i'm on community service so i can still 'sweep~the~streets'/
recieving a footjob is the only way ill ever 'meat~defeat'/ (get it? haha)
seek~a~beat, people~believe~in~me, that this evening/
im leaving~these, sorry excuses for rappers deceased~and~beat/
so peace~be~with~me, get it? my piece~be~with~me/
take ya niece~in~B, if she's over ace teen then she will leave~with~me/
im a menace~to~society, from venice~to~higher~scenes/
good music sells, ya head spinning like a gyroscope from piracy/
im a southern nigga but not one a crunk~tip one~bit/
i come~wit staright lyricism to leave you done~wit/


Here's an audio of it(with a beat) so you can see how i flow it. the audio's real rough but you can make out what im saying plus the lyrics are right above this. i recommend you peep this audio, its sick:

http://s12.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=3J65OZNKCEZ1C2BDUARVZWUI6M

 

[FATAL NYGHTMARE]

I see you've elevated since I last saw your shit. Your rhymes are much more complicated and come off smoother. This piece is not bad, but there are some rough points. As for the audio, it was pretty distorted and I couldn't hear most of what you were saying. Obviously I could figure it out by reading the lyrics above....

Anyway good job homeboy. You've improved without a doubt.

 

[ovarbmu]

thanks for the feedback, but could you also tell me what the rough points are so i can correct them? im in the process of improving the way i rhyme and the shit i say so i need some advice/help on it. thanks for the feedback bro. as for the audio, its just sound recorder and a computer mic, thats all i use, thats why as minute long and sucks.

 

[thatguy]

like yur flow and shit, if it was cleaner sounding in terms of quality, it would be sick

 

[Mi$ta-Murda187]

i like ur voice and flow style...
good lyrics.. peacee

 

[ovarbmu]

thanks for the feedback everyone, any more?

 

[ovarbmu]

here's another freestyle i dropped on a rap board(black wallstreet) repping my crew from chamill.com's boards(FATE). before i post let me tell you, the crew i roll with on cham.com is THE HARDEST CREW I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THE INTERNET PERIOD. all of them are at a caliber of say a fatal nyghtmare or jabbz caliber. if yall newbies dont know about fatal nyghtmare or jabbz, read up, cause those niggas could slaghter, straight up. i mean im really the only one not there yet but im soo close i can taste it. any way here's something that took me about 5 min to write that i posted on theblackwallstreet.com's rap board reppin my cham.com crew, FATE.






Verse 1:
its umbravo, reppin the hardest crew on the internet/ (FATE nigga)
they said they haven't found the hottest, only cause i aint entered~yet/
i rip the hardest~vets, niggas that rhyme now a days have chartier~reps/
i know you wanna find a 'harder~set' but 'my balls' aren't a rapping 'starter~kit'/
so get off~of~them, try to be a rough~guy, and get a lump~eye/
i'm never matched word for word but believe me, some~try/
you can gather up all your crews and talk like you mean~some~plex/
but analyze yall like 'pornstarts', 'no one's hard between~ya~sets'/
your all retards, like 33 year olds on see~saws/
like '10 year olds on a playground', i 'control these~bars'/
your mad~at~me cause i happily weave through the tapestry/
of niggas that say there dope, in the south we say you cappin~g/
but i dont mean you shoot~guns, but to an extent means you shoot~up/
i means your a god damn liar and you know~whats/
up~or~down, when fuzz~around you buzz~around/
that's your cuff~and~drown, cousin i dont trust~a~pound/

Chorus:
get~up, this tech stretch your abs like a sit~up/
when hit~up, we dont get~buck or split~up/
we too~fly, we the shit grab some two~ply/
you can't fuck with none of us dude, your all a new~guy/


REMEMBER THIS ONLY TOOK ABOUT 5 MINUTES TO WRITE AND IT'S STILL THIS DOPE.

 

[ovarbmu]

any more feedback on either one?

 

[Jabbz]

all of them are at a caliber of say a fatal nyghtmare or jabbz caliber.

i beg to differ playa. aint nobody on my level except fatal...

haha

ya boy is now the reigning champ on 4 different forums but i gotta say this one is the best

 

[ovarbmu]

still a cocky bastard, how you been? jabbz i been meaning to ask bro, how bout we do it up in a battle for old times sake bro?

 

[Jabbz]

aint got the time right now homie i'm just swoopin through to check the old stompin grounds feel me? but in a week or so i will be back and we can get down then playboy..

 

[ovarbmu]

speaking on you saying nobody on ur level, if you seen my niggas proof evident or robby bishop, you would change that statement, quick fast and in a hurry.

 

[Jabbz]

we can do it like this playboy.. you bring your girls here and when i get back from my vacation in a week or so i'll put an end to any discussions of anyone being on my level besides fatal nyghtmare. real talk boy..

 

[ovarbmu]

you dont wanna do that boy......im telling you....i know about the talent here and when i seen these niggas.....they on their own level.

 

[ovarbmu]

bring you and fatal and ill bring proof evident. we'll light this shit up, in a hurry.

 

[FATAL NYGHTMARE]

How did I get involved in this little battle?

If you wanna have them get down you can bring them here. I'm not gonna go out looking for some fools on the net.

 

[Jabbz]

drop a sample of what these fools got to offer. i guarantee they aint what you say they are

 

[ovarbmu]

@ jabbz- ill post some of proof's shit.

@ fatal- i am gonna bring them here, if your down, just be ready. its not diss cause i have infinite respect for you, but im just here for some friendly comp.

 

[ovarbmu]

here's a battle verse proof evident did in a battle against a nigga named sier carr(who is also live as fuck).

"I~Spit~Bombs~No~Doubt~Proof~Make~His~Year~Seem~Ruff",Ya Defeat Is Like 'Ya First Name' "I~Just~Don't~Know~How~To~Say~It~Clear~Enough"//
"Wipe~This~On~Yo~Mouth~(And)U'll~Take~This~Serious", With 'Great Flow' "I~Shyt~On~Whole~Crowds,~Like~Lakes~Its~Erie~Stuff"//

Speak Truth? No Im The Proof, U've Never "Seen~A~Real~Hawk", I'll 'Install Real Player Between Ya Teeth' So U Finally "Speak Some Real~Talk"//
Ya On Da Table And Ya Label Thought They "Found~Heroes", Till They Find Ya Grind Is Like 'The Site Of The Towers' Cuz U've "Ground~Zero"//

They "Gon'~Drop~Him" And Im The Proof And The Truth "Shown~Shocks~Men", So Like 'Crowds Catchin Game Ballz' U Bringin The Memories "Home~Not~Wins"//
Ur "Known~Hot~When" U Stand Alone, Handed Thrones But "Won't~Hop~In", But Even Greater When Ur 'Seen As Hater' To 'Higher Than Carr' On His "Own~Top~Ten"//

I Got "This~Thug~Left~In~Fear", Sier Knows I'm Like 'The Rush Of Imbalmbing Fluid' I'll Take All Of "His~Blood~Sweat~And~Tears"//
I 'Love~Testing~Peers'"With~Armed~Hand~Oozies", Its Like I Was Stuck In Da Fukkin 'Mud~Pressin~Gears' Cuz "This~Carr~Can't~Move~Me"//

Proof'll "Aim~To~Blast~Techs" And Points "Lazers~Past~Pecks", U Could 'Rescue Ya Lungs From Cancer' But Still Can't "Save~Ur~Last~Breath"//
Cuz My Aim Is "Scaldin~With~The~Heat", Sier Sees The Stretcher I Bring And Like 'Sex Deprived Women' He Starts "Crawling~In~The~Sheets"//

Ya Tryin To Be Gangsta Its Seems U've "Sold~Ur~Self~Forever",The 'Only Clip U Got On Ya Waist' "Holds~Ya~Belt~Together"//
Toss Rocks Naw My "Hilts~Just~Carrying~Slings", Cuz Im like 'Ancient Pyramids' Fukk A Carr Was I "Built~For~Burying~Kings"//

Sier Spits "Practical~Metas" And Thinks His "Tacticals~Better",ATTENTION!!! Sier Carr 'Aint Gettin None At Home' So He Types In "Capital~Letters"//
He's "Actin~All~Lone~Ranger" But This "Faggots~Got~No~Bangers", Ur 'A Loss Of Life' Like A Fetus "Stabbed~By~A~Coat~Hanger"//

I'll Force U To "Fear~Proofs~Demons", 'Scary I Know' Cuz After I Eat U, When I Take A Shyt I'll "Hear~U~Screamin"//
U've Went Hard, But Ur "Bet~Is~Fukked", Its like 'U Fell Out My K'NEX Box' Cuz U Built Like U Came From My "Set~Of~Nuts"//

--Signed Proof Evident da Rawkus--

this my friend's is proof evident, my nigga.

 

[FATAL NYGHTMARE]

Dude doesn't seem too bad, but his layout is horrible and some of the punches were indirect (it's sad when someone who doesn't know either competitor knows when your disses are indirect) and some made no sense. He tries a little too hard to drop multis and forces a lot of them in the process, which is a major negative in these parts. I personally think Jabbz will take him apart. No disrespect intended, just my personal opinion. Stay up.