http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/applied-creation-science.php
Doctor-Pastor Mullby,
The board has reviewed the research grants for this year and I thought it would be a good idea for you to have a look before we return the notices on the applications. If you want to discuss any of our decisions or would like me to pray some more on the list then just give me a call. Judy should have my number.
With God's Love,
Doctor-Pastor Hillock T. Quivers
Chairman of the Board
IACS Research Oversight
Defeating homosexuality with computers
R. J. Santorum, F. Phelps, P. Robertson
Abstract
God grants every man and woman free will, therefore homosexuality is a choice. This choice exposes tens of millions of Americans every year to sin and pestilence. We have developed an experimental technique using advanced computers, flashing Christian graphics, and prayerful contemplation that may cure homosexuality. This procedure, called De-sodomizing, involves playing a pleasing musical note every time a crucifix appears on the computer screen. When a graphic image of homosexual acts appears on the screen the computer will play an unpleasant buzzing tone. This process coupled with prayerful ministrations will break the cycle of sin in their homosexual cortex. We will also use advanced heterosexual math.
Proposal ACCEPTED - We must proceed with every effort to break the hold of the gays on God's country!
Bibliogical fossil dating of dinosaurs
L. Glans and D. Porridge
Abstract
Scientifically unsound methods of dating fossils and preserved remains provide an inaccurate picture of the world around us. Therefore the development of a new method of fossil dating based on careful readings of the Bible and Christian measurements is critical. We propose to experiment with various interpretations of the Old Testament on the fossilized remains of several dinosaurs. Our goal is to achieve Sixth Day dating accuracy of plus or minus one half hour.
Proposal REJECTED - Fossils, like starlight, were created to test our Faith in the Biblical reality of Creation. No dating methods, no matter how Christian, can be trusted.
Applications of gopher wood framing in aeronautical design
A. Noah and T. Args
Abstract
The aviation industry has a constant need for lightweight and strong materials to use in the framing and construction of 21st century aircraft. We will examine the possibility of using gopher wood, as extrapolated from Genesis, in the construction of next-generation transport and attack aircraft. Known to be excellent in the event of Floods, a computer model of this Biblical material will be tested against various secular materials like aluminum and titanium as well as pagan materials including orichalcum, samite and carbon fiber. When gopher wood proves superior to these godless materials we will recreate the substance through experimentation coupled with rigorous scientific readings of Genesis.
Proposal ACCEPTED - Great positive attitude on this one! We love a researcher with the foresight to know the results before we spend money.
Cross-kind breeding and the satanic reality of genetic tampering
A. Prigg
Abstract
God precluded evolution by creating man and animals so that they can only breed with their own kind. Based on L. Hostraum's 1994 research on the failed breeding of horses to lobsters (Lies of Science & Medicine, p. 78) we will attempt to use genetic machines to cross-combine essences of the horse and the lobster. We will then compare the resulting offspring to Biblical descriptions of demons and devils to prove that genetic science is indistinguishable from demonology. Following the experiment the demon creature will be struck down with a sword and then burned while a choir sings the praises of Christ.
Proposal REJECTED - Genetic machines? Sounds a little too expensive.
The effects of prayer deprivation on membrane homeostasis in protoplasts
H. Bismarck and P. Longjohn
Abstract
The ability of protoplasts to withstand variations in osmotic pressure is proof of a divine creator. We will examine the relationship between prayer and protoplastic membrane resilience by bombarding samples ex situ with levels of prayer varying from no prayer to constant prayer. Solute concentration will be increased incrementally until observers feel lysis is approaching. All cells will be stopped short of cell death and transplanted back into their original growth medium as ordained by God in the miracle of bacterial colonization of an agar plate.
Proposal REJECTED - Even respectful meddling with God's cells is too near to blasphemy!
Oil and the Vapor Canopy: locating crude deposits through the applied principles of flood geology
A. Snelling
Abstract
Creation scientific evidence suggests the world was once surrounded by a layer of atmospheric water that collapsed and condensed on the land in a catastrophic event. Using the knowledge that this event wiped out nearly all life on earth, we will find low spots where dead bodies collected during the upheaval to derive techniques for locating crude oil formed many hundreds of years ago and then placed by God beneath dinosaur bones.
Proposal REJECTED - Unfortunately, we just switched our curriculum to the Hydroplate hypothesis coupled with ice meteor flood geology, so Vapor Canopy related research is no longer welcome. Luckily for Mr. Snelling it only requires a year to complete our doctoral program.
Identifying evil music by spotting devil faces in audio waveforms
R. Roll and D. Metalson
Abstract
Since the advent of musical acts like Jars of Clay and Creed it has been difficult to separate Christian messages from potentially evil songwriting. We intend to test a means to visibly differentiate good music from evil music by studying audio waveforms on our advanced computer. The control group in this experiment will be waveforms derived from an audio recording of Pastor Ed Willickspray snoring softly after lengthy prayer. Experimental and potentially sin-cursed subjects will include Rocket Man by Elton John (known homosexual), Nights in White Satin by Moody Blues (confirmed psychadelics), and Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen (verified unkempt). We will visually search moving waveforms for signs of recognizable devil faces or sinister faces. This will be correlated with scientific backmasking searches for the frequency of devil laughs and cackles on each song. The two will allow us, at long last, to empirically graph the evilness of a song.
Proposal ACCEPTED - Great follow-on to last year's "pollution and devil faces in smoke" study that disproved man-made global warming. If this experiment succeeds begin on the catalog of "rappists" and "hip-hoppers" immediately. Those songs are creeping out of the godless urban areas of America and corrupting the succulent youths of the suburbs. I haven't seen such a nightmare since Elvis Presley.
Doctor-Pastor Mullby,
The board has reviewed the research grants for this year and I thought it would be a good idea for you to have a look before we return the notices on the applications. If you want to discuss any of our decisions or would like me to pray some more on the list then just give me a call. Judy should have my number.
With God's Love,
Doctor-Pastor Hillock T. Quivers
Chairman of the Board
IACS Research Oversight
Defeating homosexuality with computers
R. J. Santorum, F. Phelps, P. Robertson
Abstract
God grants every man and woman free will, therefore homosexuality is a choice. This choice exposes tens of millions of Americans every year to sin and pestilence. We have developed an experimental technique using advanced computers, flashing Christian graphics, and prayerful contemplation that may cure homosexuality. This procedure, called De-sodomizing, involves playing a pleasing musical note every time a crucifix appears on the computer screen. When a graphic image of homosexual acts appears on the screen the computer will play an unpleasant buzzing tone. This process coupled with prayerful ministrations will break the cycle of sin in their homosexual cortex. We will also use advanced heterosexual math.
Proposal ACCEPTED - We must proceed with every effort to break the hold of the gays on God's country!
Bibliogical fossil dating of dinosaurs
L. Glans and D. Porridge
Abstract
Scientifically unsound methods of dating fossils and preserved remains provide an inaccurate picture of the world around us. Therefore the development of a new method of fossil dating based on careful readings of the Bible and Christian measurements is critical. We propose to experiment with various interpretations of the Old Testament on the fossilized remains of several dinosaurs. Our goal is to achieve Sixth Day dating accuracy of plus or minus one half hour.
Proposal REJECTED - Fossils, like starlight, were created to test our Faith in the Biblical reality of Creation. No dating methods, no matter how Christian, can be trusted.
Applications of gopher wood framing in aeronautical design
A. Noah and T. Args
Abstract
The aviation industry has a constant need for lightweight and strong materials to use in the framing and construction of 21st century aircraft. We will examine the possibility of using gopher wood, as extrapolated from Genesis, in the construction of next-generation transport and attack aircraft. Known to be excellent in the event of Floods, a computer model of this Biblical material will be tested against various secular materials like aluminum and titanium as well as pagan materials including orichalcum, samite and carbon fiber. When gopher wood proves superior to these godless materials we will recreate the substance through experimentation coupled with rigorous scientific readings of Genesis.
Proposal ACCEPTED - Great positive attitude on this one! We love a researcher with the foresight to know the results before we spend money.
Cross-kind breeding and the satanic reality of genetic tampering
A. Prigg
Abstract
God precluded evolution by creating man and animals so that they can only breed with their own kind. Based on L. Hostraum's 1994 research on the failed breeding of horses to lobsters (Lies of Science & Medicine, p. 78) we will attempt to use genetic machines to cross-combine essences of the horse and the lobster. We will then compare the resulting offspring to Biblical descriptions of demons and devils to prove that genetic science is indistinguishable from demonology. Following the experiment the demon creature will be struck down with a sword and then burned while a choir sings the praises of Christ.
Proposal REJECTED - Genetic machines? Sounds a little too expensive.
The effects of prayer deprivation on membrane homeostasis in protoplasts
H. Bismarck and P. Longjohn
Abstract
The ability of protoplasts to withstand variations in osmotic pressure is proof of a divine creator. We will examine the relationship between prayer and protoplastic membrane resilience by bombarding samples ex situ with levels of prayer varying from no prayer to constant prayer. Solute concentration will be increased incrementally until observers feel lysis is approaching. All cells will be stopped short of cell death and transplanted back into their original growth medium as ordained by God in the miracle of bacterial colonization of an agar plate.
Proposal REJECTED - Even respectful meddling with God's cells is too near to blasphemy!
Oil and the Vapor Canopy: locating crude deposits through the applied principles of flood geology
A. Snelling
Abstract
Creation scientific evidence suggests the world was once surrounded by a layer of atmospheric water that collapsed and condensed on the land in a catastrophic event. Using the knowledge that this event wiped out nearly all life on earth, we will find low spots where dead bodies collected during the upheaval to derive techniques for locating crude oil formed many hundreds of years ago and then placed by God beneath dinosaur bones.
Proposal REJECTED - Unfortunately, we just switched our curriculum to the Hydroplate hypothesis coupled with ice meteor flood geology, so Vapor Canopy related research is no longer welcome. Luckily for Mr. Snelling it only requires a year to complete our doctoral program.
Identifying evil music by spotting devil faces in audio waveforms
R. Roll and D. Metalson
Abstract
Since the advent of musical acts like Jars of Clay and Creed it has been difficult to separate Christian messages from potentially evil songwriting. We intend to test a means to visibly differentiate good music from evil music by studying audio waveforms on our advanced computer. The control group in this experiment will be waveforms derived from an audio recording of Pastor Ed Willickspray snoring softly after lengthy prayer. Experimental and potentially sin-cursed subjects will include Rocket Man by Elton John (known homosexual), Nights in White Satin by Moody Blues (confirmed psychadelics), and Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen (verified unkempt). We will visually search moving waveforms for signs of recognizable devil faces or sinister faces. This will be correlated with scientific backmasking searches for the frequency of devil laughs and cackles on each song. The two will allow us, at long last, to empirically graph the evilness of a song.
Proposal ACCEPTED - Great follow-on to last year's "pollution and devil faces in smoke" study that disproved man-made global warming. If this experiment succeeds begin on the catalog of "rappists" and "hip-hoppers" immediately. Those songs are creeping out of the godless urban areas of America and corrupting the succulent youths of the suburbs. I haven't seen such a nightmare since Elvis Presley.