here you go.
Inman: A week's worth of punch lines
By Cam Inman
Contra Costa Times columnist
Posted: 08/21/2009 06:06:20 PM PDT
Updated: 08/22/2009 05:16:14 AM PDT
The 49ers host the Raiders today in exhibition action at Bill Walsh Field (a k a Candlestick Park), and to get you in that tailgating spirit, here are a few fightin' words:
One coach is on billboards saying: "I want winners." The other coach soon could be on most-wanted posters.
A week ago, Raiders coach Tom Cable's biggest criticism came for not starting Darren McFadden. Cable has much more to worry about now (see: possible felony charge and NFL suspension for allegedly assaulting defensive assistant Randy Hanson).
The NFL should put on blinders (or eye patches, if you must) when investigating this incident. A coach attacking a peer — and reportedly choking him and shouting: "I'm going to kill you!" — is absolutely unacceptable, no matter the franchise.
Citing a lack of institutional control, the NCAA has stripped the Raiders of their 24 wins since 2002.
A Southwest Airlines flight returned to Oakland on Thursday when a 300-pound man became unruly and smacked a fellow passenger in the mouth. Cable's alibi: He was still in Napa at training camp.
What started as a laughable crime has turned into hard time (see: Plaxico Burress, the former New York Giants receiver who drew a two-year prison term for shooting himself in the leg at a Manhattan club.)
Domestic abuse probably shouldn't be cited as a reference point to coach-on-coach violence.
Domestic abuse should always be taken seriously. The Raiders, not so much.
Once NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is done reprimanding his league's criminals, he'll get right to work on new stadiums for California's three franchises. Should be any day now.
Once Burress leaves jail, the Philadelphia Eagles should be listed as a possible destination instead of just the obligatory Raiders reference.
The NFL should subpoena the New England Patriots to see if they have secret video of that Raiders' coaching meeting where Hanson allegedly got injured.
Randy Hanson, meet Matt Walsh, in NFL purgatory.
What do you tell a Raiders assistant with two black eyes? Nothing, Tom Cable already told him twice. (Joke courtesy of "909RaiderLifer" on Jerry McDonald's Inside the Oakland Raiders blog.)
Al Davis told Cable he wanted his players to "go vertical" again, but a confused Cable thought Davis said he wanted his coaches to "go horizontal." (Joke courtesy of anonymous newsroom source.)
Rick Pitino might advise Cable to pay Hanson $3,000 to abort civil action in relation to any indiscreet rendezvous between Cable's fist and Hanson's jaw.
Durable cabinetry, the newest amenity at the Napa Valley Marriott (if you believe the pulling-the-chair/falling-into-a-cabinet/second-gunman theory).
Speaking of crimes in Napa, that was quite a home-invasion robbery by the 49ers at Raiders camp Wednesday morning. Among the items taken: the Raiders' pride and JaMarcus Russell's red-zone passes.
Michael Crabtree's diva reputation grows each day. The 49ers' top draft pick and the Cincinnati Bengals' Andre Smith are the only unsigned first-round selections.
2010 NFL draft prospectus: Crabtree, selected No. 1 overall by the Raiders.
Brett Favre was expected to retire from his Minnesota Vikings debut Friday night after one or two series. Perhaps "retire" is the wrong word, yet again.
If Usain Bolt ever gave up track for an NFL career, not only could he catch deep passes, he also could chase down cornerbacks who intercept them.
If 49ers coach Mike Singletary was accused of slugging an assistant, people might dismiss it as him reverting to his Hall of Fame linebacker ferocity. If a Raiders coach is the accused, people blame it on (Hall of Famer) Al Davis' chaotic culture.
Tale of the tape for today's game: The Raiders have the edge at quarterback, running back, tight end and defensive back; the 49ers at wide receiver, offensive line, defensive line, linebacker and special teams. For a more detailed analysis, visit contracostatimes.com/candidcam.
The late Bill Walsh may have been a boxing aficionado, but he wasn't known for teaching right jabs to all those assistants on his impressive coaching tree.
If (when) the NFL disciplines Cable, Goodell should use an overhead projector to show the media Hanson's X-rays and testimony. If Cable is cleared of all (potential) charges, he should borrow Singletary's stunt, drop his pants and moon everyone. Or not.
what would you call this? i didnt have to bold shit because the entire article proves my point. carry on.