one apple spoils a fucking bunch, I seriously feel like quiting....
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4, Dec. 25 and any
other public holidays.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and
so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and the seat will
eject you.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes
for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations,allegations, cusations, contemplations, consternations
or input, should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
rofflmao!!!!
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4, Dec. 25 and any
other public holidays.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and
so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and the seat will
eject you.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci
bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do
not need a raise.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes
for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations,allegations, cusations, contemplations, consternations
or input, should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management
rofflmao!!!!
