New Verse, want opinions

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Nov 13, 2006
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#1
This was typed up to the Numb/Encore Instrumental. Just curious what yall think.

/ spittin line after line
/ In time you wont find
/ Any other mind quite like mine
/ still stuck on an indefinite white line
/ you got any problems, my 9 will snipe spines
/ The chromes shinin like a blinding white sign
/ your missin layin deep in a pine they wont find
/ dig into my past, into the grime you might find
/ wishin' you could say a rhyme to rewind time
/ now its your turn to shine on prime time
/ all the girls want a taste, like a fine wine
/ Im like the Pioneer and an einstein
/ Every line precise Like Im a mastermind mime
/ Everdays a struggle in this time we call crime
/ came from rock bottom, but Ill climb till im flyin'
/ Broke as fuck holding on to every dime I find
/ need a break from stress for my mind to unwind
/ I'm bitter Like having a lime in fine wine
/ But I cant get ahead with this design Im tryin
/ failure feels like im trapped in hell and I'm cryin'
/ people are talking like Im behind and wont find
/ that there false facts are outta line lyin
/ pushing grudges behind cause my minds blind
/ lookin to the future with no hind when I climb
/ up the vine of success into my prime
/ So i turn to drugs, do a line to stop cryin'
/ eventhough it's still denyin me devine mind
/ Everyone judges blind with no mind
/ But if you got to know me i'm sure that you'd find
/ through all of life's struggles I define and I shine
/ But they still wont help If I asked with 9 signs
/ so for now,I am stuck behind these lines dyin'
/ Tryin' to break out, I'm pryin'n pryin'
/ Feelin stuck like Im dyin' with no sign
/ in time my mind will design devine rhymes
/ Wishin I could go back feeling fine at age 9
 
Nov 13, 2006
763
15
0
38
#3
yeah. I was running out of words that rhymed to mix it up bro. not as complex as I normally write at all but tried to stay with the same rhyme scheme the whole verse
 
Feb 17, 2009
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#7
In order to be on a much higher level it all has to flow with fluid thought. I mean you have to tell a story or write with a purpose in order for it to ever hold something of valid merit or something that someone can use. It's purely rhymes driven with a few metaphors but not a piece I would ever remember as an average listener cause you are supposed to be able to pull away one idea from the entire song very clearly imho. If you can't then the crowd had to decipher it and it's too complex imo. Keep writing I've been watching your getting better bro - peace -